My partner and I have been together for about 8 months, 4 of which have been spent dealing with my PTSD symptoms. I've told him about my history of sexual assault. He's been incredibly supportive, kind, and caring throughout the whole process, but I'm always afraid I'll do something that will cause a big conflict. I'm afraid that my PTSD will cause me to do something irrational or act out.
Earlier this morning, he and I were having sex when I got triggered. I didn't know I'd gotten triggered; all I knew was I told him to stop because I was getting uncomfortable. He didn't think anything more of it, rolled over to his side of the bed, and went to sleep. I curled up on my side of the bed and started crying.
I was just so ashamed of getting triggered and that he'd have to see me in such a vulnerable position. Just felt really worthless because I wasn't good for sex anymore. I went to the bathroom and hid in there crying for at least 15-20 minutes, if not longer. When I thought I'd finally calmed down, I got back in bed, but started crying again when he put his arms around me to comfort me. I didn't feel worthy of his kindness and compassion.
I was furious at myself for crying so much in front of him, and angry at him for caring about me, so I got up out of bed, got dressed, and started gathering my things. He sat me down and tried to get me to talk, but I just couldn't talk or else I'd really start bawling.
The poor guy followed me down the stairs and finally got me to sit down with him on the couch instead of walking out the door. And this time, when he tried to get me to talk, I did tell him how I felt and he listened. He said that he had been confused and wondered if he'd done anything wrong to trigger me. I listened to him and reassured him that he hadn't done anything wrong. He had a meeting to go to, but we agreed we'd talk more about triggers and bedroom dynamics next week. I guess we'll brainstorm about how to handle me being triggered.
I just feel so terrible that I was angry and silent at him. He has been nothing but supportive. It must have been hard for him to see me cry and yet shut him out. He wanted to help, but I didn't let him until I was nearly out the door.
I don't want to burden him with my own shit. I do my best to be a supportive partner to him, and told him that I would make space for him if he needed to talk about work, etc. I'm afraid that our relationship will turn into one where I'm perpetually "in the wrong" for acting out while being triggered, and where he's the one perpetually trying to soothe me. So far our relationship is pretty egalitarian and open, but I do worry about the future.
I just really needed to get this off my chest. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to handle a relationship while a partner has PTSD?
Earlier this morning, he and I were having sex when I got triggered. I didn't know I'd gotten triggered; all I knew was I told him to stop because I was getting uncomfortable. He didn't think anything more of it, rolled over to his side of the bed, and went to sleep. I curled up on my side of the bed and started crying.
I was just so ashamed of getting triggered and that he'd have to see me in such a vulnerable position. Just felt really worthless because I wasn't good for sex anymore. I went to the bathroom and hid in there crying for at least 15-20 minutes, if not longer. When I thought I'd finally calmed down, I got back in bed, but started crying again when he put his arms around me to comfort me. I didn't feel worthy of his kindness and compassion.
I was furious at myself for crying so much in front of him, and angry at him for caring about me, so I got up out of bed, got dressed, and started gathering my things. He sat me down and tried to get me to talk, but I just couldn't talk or else I'd really start bawling.
The poor guy followed me down the stairs and finally got me to sit down with him on the couch instead of walking out the door. And this time, when he tried to get me to talk, I did tell him how I felt and he listened. He said that he had been confused and wondered if he'd done anything wrong to trigger me. I listened to him and reassured him that he hadn't done anything wrong. He had a meeting to go to, but we agreed we'd talk more about triggers and bedroom dynamics next week. I guess we'll brainstorm about how to handle me being triggered.
I just feel so terrible that I was angry and silent at him. He has been nothing but supportive. It must have been hard for him to see me cry and yet shut him out. He wanted to help, but I didn't let him until I was nearly out the door.
I don't want to burden him with my own shit. I do my best to be a supportive partner to him, and told him that I would make space for him if he needed to talk about work, etc. I'm afraid that our relationship will turn into one where I'm perpetually "in the wrong" for acting out while being triggered, and where he's the one perpetually trying to soothe me. So far our relationship is pretty egalitarian and open, but I do worry about the future.
I just really needed to get this off my chest. Does anyone have suggestions as to how to handle a relationship while a partner has PTSD?
