General I Feel I Should Go Into Mourning

[lonetree]

Before my SO was diagnosed with PTSD I had years of turmoil, doubt, anger and I guess all the other feelings one has when his marriage is falling apart but I had no understanding of why it was. Now that I understand, or at least have something to blame, I wonder if it would be healing for me and make me a better carer if I allowed myself a period of mourning for the relationship that was. Perhaps this would make the transition to the new relationship that much easier. Or am I jumping to far ahead? Is it better to take things day by day and hope that the openness and trust we had once can return.

I know I now have a new role and am pondering how I can best fit into it. Maybe I'm just thinking way too much and should roll with it and see what happens. I'd love to know how some of the carers who have been at it for a while have managed their own emotions, dreams and hopes for the future.

 

[lovinbiker]

HI Lonetree,

I not an experienced carer by any means by I do wanna say I know what you mean. I myself seem to go into mourning every night when I go to my lonely bed.

I dont think it would do any harm to mourn a bit, as what you expected/hoped for is gonna be different to what your gonna get now. Your thinking way to much remarke is me all over ive often been told I think too much. Its part of my problem now in that I am always thinking of how she is and struggle to let that go at all.

So all im trying to do at the moment is take each day as it comes the good and the bad, ( mostly bad at the moment) which is probably the only way to do it as really its all out of your control.

Take care

 

[hopelives]

You know one of the best things I did was let myself for a WHOLE month just grieve. Cry eat chocolate just really pamper myself. In a way I disconnected from my dh for a bit and just grieved the man I had married. But than after that month I have really felt better and I have also been stronger. I feel that it is important to let your emotions out. Please dont do what I did and let them out at your PTSD partner. But let it all just come out . The longer it is in there it is like an infection.

 

[lonetree]

Thanks sickofit. Thats what I was thinking. Sometimes I get caught up in thinking this is just a phase and things will get back to normal in a little bit. After so much time I realize I'm just setting myself up for more frustration and anger. I need to let go of the old and accept the new. I feel so much better just being able to talk on here and learn.:think:

 

[anni]

For what it's worth, from someone who is not at all a Carer, it sounds like an awfully healing thing to do for yourself. Funny how one's head can figure this stuff out for itself, since sickofit really validated this was a positive direction in her life. I did like the chocolate prescription, also, and think someone needs to lobby for it to be included in the insurance coverage somewhere.

I hate to say 'best' anything in connection with the word mourning, but in lieu of something more adequate, best wishes to you and your family as you go through this. Take care, too.

Anni

 

[hopelives]

lonetree. It is such a HUGE change in our lives. I mean the dreams of old have to be let go of and the new accepted. It is horrible to think this is our lot now. But now I have accepted it it has become better. :)

 

[intothelight]

Hi Lonetree,

Your period of mourning is a very healthy way of putting it. As a sufferer, I had to mourn the idea of who I "thought" I would be and learn to accept who I am. In a way, may whole family went through that stage when we learned this disorder is not "curable". They had to mourn the person that I was, and learn to accept the person I am.

I think if we look at a sufferer or carer closely, our character is intact; but our responses to events and abilities to "do" certain things are different, or impaired in someways. This changes the dynamics of a relationship, but not always the fundamental "core" of the individuals in a relationship. I don't know if this makes sense, but mourning is a good way to let go of "what could have been" and move towards accepting "what is".

ITL

 

[amethist]

Hi lonetree

I understand exactly what you mean by this.

It was put to me a long time ago by my own support councillor. He said I needed to mourn the loss of the man he was, to be able to love the man he would become. This has helped me so much, being now able to build on what we have left, not forgetting what we had, but realising that it will probably never be the same again.

It is a hard thing to except, but helps so much when you can both understand this and work together on your future.

Amethist

 

[lonetree]

Yes amethist,

Thats exactly what I'm thinking. I have been trying to do that but its not as easy as it sounds for me. I know over time I'll get there and it will make my day to day much easier.

Thanks

 

[anni]

Hi again Lonetree,

I realize it doesn't make the pain go away, but it's nice to have you here to at least have some company along the way. I hope that's not as outrageously Pollyanna as it sounds. I've just notice that there always seems to be some light produced out of whatever darkness befalls us. When I'm given to sort of poetic musings hope can be forgiven for pointing out this forum seems to be one of them?

I do mean that, although it does kind of sound like an annoying and soppy Hallmark card one's well-meaning aunt mails you, so sorry!

 

[lonetree]

anni,

Not annoying at all. Your absolutely right that it is so nice to have company along the way. It sure helps even out the bumps and being here with you and all the others has pulled me out of a very lonely place.

A little Hallmark sloppiness is just right at times to. Thanks auntie :Hug_emoticon: