I Feel Like I'm Too Much To Handle...

[molly63]

I had an episode last night after I couldn't fall asleep. My boyfriend was watching TV across the apartment and I asked him to get me a Tylenol PM. When he brought it to me I dropped it and couldn't find it. SO frustrated, extremely exhausted and having to wake up in 5 hours for work I started crying. He immediately walked away and mumbled, "Don't cry, dude."

That of course set me off. Do you think I'm choosing to cry? I'm just being genuine to myself and my feelings. I tried to ask WTF and that started an argument where my boyfriend told me I'm "too much" sometimes and that "I bring him down sometime." He has been supportive (mostly) my recovery with PTSD from child abuse and the fact that I need his help sometimes, but not this time. This time he chose to just kind of yell at me. That just started a vicious cycle of, "What's wrong with me?" and "What's wrong with him?" I got trapped in a negativity bubble and scared confusion. He said that it effects him when I cry. I get that, but you can't just pick and choose when you're going to help someone with PTSD. I wasn't even having PTSD at first, I was just tired and crying. It just hurts me so bad to turn to him for comfort and to be left alone. It felt like I was 8 again and my mom had just ditched me on Christmas to get drunk... just devastating.

We haven't talked about things since they happened. I'm still so hurt on the inside. I feel like I'm a burden. I can't recall every detail exactly, I'm sure I said some hurtful things after I started seeing red. It's just not like I depend on him for everything and cry all day.

 

[Powder]

Well wish him luck finding a female to date who never cries.

Just because someone with PTSD cries over seemingly small things when tired or overwhelmed does not make us radically different from a "normal" person who does the same. Everyone has usually gone through something that can trigger a crying spell.

When people are tired out, they don't have access to all their social or coping skills.

It is actually a bad idea to let ourselves get too tired. But as you said, sometimes it happens on accident with insomnia or other issues.

I'm sorry to hear this. I know how hard relationships are after having bad ones in childhood. Dealing with that at the moment myself.

 

[gone]

Sorry to hear about your pain and the (negative) thought that you're too much to handle. My guess is that's a typical PTSD response (but don't quote me, I'm new to this).

My thought is: We are what we are, we come in all sizes, shapes, colors, gender IDs—and we come wounded, all of us. Only some of us have names for our wounds. You're BF probably feels helpless and that might piss him off at some level, and that's his wound, unnamed, which may wind back deep into his life.

Just because we're DXed with PTSD doesn't mean we're the cause of all strife in a relationship. It's always 50/50. You're no more a burden than he is, imo.

 

[Promicarus]

I don't know your boyfriend, of course, and wasn't there during the situation, to see it as it played out--but he sounds like an ass to me. I'm sure he has good points, or you wouldn't be with him at all...but someone who just walks away when his supposed loved one is crying, then says "It affects me when you cry"...? What? Yeah, it should. But for him to only be concerned with himself...when you're crying...about how it affects HIM? It's hard to even know where to start, with that one. Really. I'm saying this out of support, by the way...not out of a spirit of insensitivity. But "when you cry, it affects ME?"...Wow.

So sorry you got that kind of cold response when you needed comfort. You deserve better. Everyone does.

 

[bell]

Hello @molly63, just wanted to say that I suffer from the "I'm too much to handle" beast myself. So much in fact that I can't even bear to really be in a relationship it haunts me so much. And sorry to hear that your boyfriend wasn't helpful the other night, that just triggers things and makes it all worse. :(

 

[Hashi]

I'm not sure it's helpful for some other posters to jump to criticising him, when there's a question of how much support someone with PTSD needs, which must be very tough on supporters who are only human and have their own limits.

In terms of feeling that you're a burden, I think it's realistic that you probably ask for support more than most people without PTSD. That doesn't have to equate to being too much to handle.

As long as you're working to recover and practising coping and calming skills yourself, then there probably isn't much more you can do to need less support. I think you do need to be actively working on yourself, for example addressing the connections you're making to a different situation when you were eight and how you're seeing the current situation through those feelings. You might have to accept limitations on what your boyfriend can offer and develop stronger strategies and skills for yourself.

In terms of the relationship, you can work on how you communicate and negotiate things with your boyfriend (when the dust has settled).

Even though you're asking for a lot of support I don't think that means it's too much to handle, depending on how you handle it and not just how he handles it.

 

[The Albatross]

I think that it is not wrong for your boyfriend to say how it affects him when you cry. I think that when he walked away from you was what started the cascade that led back to your perceived abandonment issue at 8 with your mom and Christmas boozing.

He got you what you asked for. Reactivity wears down people who love or care about us. Plain and simple.

You didn't turn to him for comfort Molly. You became frustrated and began crying. Quite a lot of people don't know what to do with that. Me included.

One of the things that helped my own relationship was having to put needs into words for my partner. But no matter how much he loves me, there are times when my spouse will not be "available" to deal with me. It is not abandonment, it is self preservation at times. I had to weigh the importance of the relationship and his own needs against the importance or weight I give my feelings sometimes. I chose my relationship and started learning how to manage better.

 

[nursenurse]

Some guys just don't do tears. And frustration is a clear sign that you are not coping well with certain aspects of your life. Look into yourself as to why you are frustrated. What needs are not being met, and why. And remember, it is up to you to meet your own needs. Boyfriend can assist and support, but ultimately it is up to you.

Being over tired as you said you were is never a good thing and leads to a short fuse in everyone, PTSD or not. Arguing at that point serves no purpose except to bring out the worst in all involved, words being said that cannot be taken back, and resentment all around. If nothing else, make an agreement with each other to not have a major discussion when sleep deprived. Anything and everything can always wait until morning, or even for a day or two after that.

 

[Powder]

I agree with Albatross and NurseNurse that getting too tired is something we all must monitor. I know that I have found my limits recently and found the need to monitor better.

Also, no interaction is better than a bad one, so walking away and saying one needs time or rest is fine.

Sometimes with dissociation people use a "substitute action" to cope with a strong negative emotion or trigger, such as cutting, drinking, crying, having a meltdown, etc. in place of a more adaptive action that will bring them better results. Yes, using a calmer expression of how one is feeling would have been more adaptive as would getting the pill oneself and doing more self-care and boundaries. It's okay to point that out.

I am shocked by how simple skills like this go out the window during even mild dissociation, but sometimes, dissociation and fatigue work against awareness of dissociation. It's necessary to feel that happening and ground before doing anything. I do not always have success with this. So I won't judge you for missing the mark in this way when tired.

Major self-care and maybe some boundaries/space would be in order before deciding what else to think/do. Therapy to learn to monitor one's levels of fatigue and dissociation is important as a foundation for other skills to work.

I hope all is well. Take care, Muse