I feel like it's all my fault

[BlueWeepingRose]

My ex abused me and rape me. I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like nobody else will ever love me. That I will continue to be sad.

Guys only want me for sex and nothing more. I'm single now. I can't be used, because my ex used me constantly. For sex.
I felt like I was his sex object and I was fully loved by him any other way. Just sex. That's it.

Anytime a guy mentions sex, I freak out. I don't feel comfy talking with him. So I stop speaking to them.
I focus on trying to heal, but sometimes I break down and cry because inside I feel so sad from being abused.

Emotionally, Mentally, Sexually, Manipulated, Lied Too, Disappearing Acts, Mind Games, Being Ignored.. and so on.

Tonight I broke down crying. That's how it happens. Always, I break down and cry. It happens out of nowhere.

One moment I'm happy and next moment I'll sob my eyes out. Bad thoughts come to me all the time and I realized the thoughts are from the things he said to me. "Nobody will ever love you." "Nobody will ever be your friend." "I'm the only one who ever truly loved you." He said so many things to me and watched me cry on his bed and he continued on playing his game and called me sensitive. I loved him so much and he treated me like nothing. At the time I was so young, thinking he would change, but he never did. For awhile he would be good to me and than he went right back to abusing me again. He gaslighted me and manipulated me so much that I started to question my sanity. It's extremely hard for me to trust people, but at the same time I wish I had someone to talk with and laugh with. I want to message people on here but I don't want to push anyone's boundaries or upset anyone. I just feel so alone sometimes and wish I had someone to talk too who understood my pain.

Feeling numb for so long and avoiding feelings so I couldn't be hurt again did damage. I just didn't wanna face it. It's hard to smile sometimes but I do try. I didn't realize he did so much damage until a few days ago. Emotional Abuse does so much damage. Sometimes I think so negative that I think people hate me, this is how much my mind messes with my mind. I feel like I'm a burden on people cause of my abuse. I hate bugging people with my issues, but at the same time I wish I had someone to talk with. This is how sad I am. I feel like it's all my fault. I feel stupid. For trusting him and always taking him back. I just loved him and thought things would change. But I was wrong. Now I feel stupid for ever thinking that. Cause he continued to be mean to me, but he messed with my mind by being nice to me a day or so later. So I thought it was my fault somehow or thought I was upsetting him somehow. Than a day so later he would go back to being mean to me again. It confused me so much.... I strongly believe this is why my mind is so messed up because I can't think straight and sometimes think negative things because he put them there. So I have to try to remind myself that I'm a good person but here I am still thinking and believing that it's still my fault. I'm so tired. I'm so drained. I want to sleep but it's hard too. I just want to heal from all of this. I'm tired...

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

How come nobody commented on this? ?

 

[Teasel]

I don't know @BlueWeepingRose unfortunately it just happens sometimes.

I'm sorry for all you've been through. You're right that this kind of abuse does much damage to you. I think it extremely common for victims to feel it's all their own fault. I've felt that way too about my abusive relationship.

Have you only realised recently that it was abusive? I know I didn't realise for a very long time. Glad you've reached out here, understand how hard that is :hug:

 

[BlueWeepingRose]

I don't know @BlueWeepingRose unfortunately it just happens sometimes.

I'm sorry for all you've been through. You're right that this kind of abuse does much damage to you. I think it extremely common for victims to feel it's all their own fault. I've felt that way too about my abusive relationship.

Have you only realised recently that it was abusive? I know I didn't realise for a very long time. Glad you've reached out here, understand how hard that is :hug:

I didn't realize it until I took him back the third time, before I used to think I was with the problem and was so manipulated by him that I couldn't even think straight. My mind was so confused by everything that was happening that everything seemed like a blur to me. Left him in 2017 and been trying to focus on healing now. I finally got myself a therapist too. Just wanted to get this out of my system, cause I've been bottling it in for so long.

 

[ladee]

I didn't see this until now. Somehow I missed it the first time around.

I'm sorry this man took the core of who you are and made you doubt yourself and judge yourself so harshly. I was in a similar relationship and I understand how easy it is to take all the blame. He also was 'nice' for a while, then would go at me again. Tearing what self-esteem had to shreds.

And mental abuse is so much harder to see and understand. But it sounds like you have made a lot of progress since leaving him. It takes a lot of courage to leave those relationships.

You will not be a bother or a burden to anyone by writing to them. That's how we get to know each other here. And then to support and encourage. You will find many here with similar stories.

Took courage for you to come back and ask why no one replied!! Now we hear and see you... glad you took that risk!!

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm so sorry you went through that, @BlueWeepingRose. I hope you can have better days soon.

 

[ms spock]

My ex abused me and rape me. I feel like it's all my fault. I feel like nobody else will ever love me. That I will continue to be sad.

It is normal for survivors to blame themselves, you are not alone in feeling like this. I have felt this.

Sometimes threads get missed as people sleep, live, work and study in different times zones. It has happened to all of us. It's nothing personal.