Relationship I Feel Like The Dirty Mistress In My Own Relationship

[The Albatross]

Hmmmm. Interesting statement but not sure it's the basis for a relationship? "I have my own medical issues. My ex-husband couldn't handle them, hence the "ex". I am a package deal and anyone who wants to be with me does so knowing of the limitations that I face. I look at this the same way. This is a medical issue that is lifelong and must be addressed as such. I guess that is why I am more willing to be empathetic."

Again this has everything to do with you but nothing whatever to do with PTSD. Your opening post does not show empathy.

"So, I understand about having to accept a certain dynamic." With all due respect, PTSD and the issues you acknowledge are not the same. Clearly you are carrying your own baggage and are motivated in this a relationship in a way that may be detrimental to a PTSD. Unless or until, you deal with it independently of your own relationship, it is clear that his PTSD is a secondary issue to you. It is not, however. Watch the supporter vids.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Hmmmm. Interesting statement but not sure it's the basis for a relationship? "I have my own medic...

I did watch the supporter vids the minute you posted the link.

You made a statement about whether or not I was willing to accept a certain dynamic. I wasn't aware that a single question/statement determined the basis for an entire relationship. My reasons for wanting to be in a relationship, in general, as well as with him are varied. That was a single statement about accepting a certain dynamic. Relationships are much bigger than that and contain a significantly larger list of nuances than a certain behavioral dynamic.

I am able to accept issues and limitations that others face with empathy because I have faced issues and limitations without it. And I don't want other people to experience what I have. While I understand that my medical issues are not the same as PTSD, the judgment and ostracization and feeling alone and unsupported are feelings that both myself and my sufferer can relate to. I feel that it is important to find a common ground in things and establish that bridge to build upon.

To use my ex as the example: he did not have any personal experience with medical issues or grief or loss or anything else to draw upon that would allow him to empathize with what I was going through. He was judgmental and angry and treated me badly over a medical issue that I had no control over.

So yes, I can say with confidence that I am willing to accept a dynamic that goes along with being a partner to someone with PTSD, no matter what it is. He is not his PTSD. The man that I met and the person that he is is wonderful and I am willing to learn whatever it takes to make this work. I will adapt and adjust to any dynamic. I don't unfortunately know what that dynamic is at this time. I am struggling with the lack of communication because this is the first time that I am experiencing this and so I don't know what to expect and I don't know what the dynamic is. I am not walking away from him or breaking up with him. I am simply reacting poorly because I don't have all of the facts and my mind runs wild with worry and worst-case scenarios.

Like I said, if we make it through this and are still in a relationship when he is done working through these issues, I will be better off. I will know what to expect next time and even though I may still be upset and sad, I will at least have the knowledge of experience. That will allow me to do a better job of being there for him.

As for his PTSD being secondary to me. With all due respect I really don't have any other option right now because I don't truly know what I'm dealing with. He told me he has PTSD. He did not go into any detail about the extent of it or his symptoms or his reactions and so this has completely blindsided me and I don't know what I'm doing or how to respond. He even acknowledged that Friday night. I apologized for reacting so poorly over the last few weeks and his response was to wrap his arms around me into a huge hug and said "well how else could you react, this is all new to you."

I am reading books and joining support groups and joining this forum to educate myself and get first-hand responses from people like yourself so that I can get some different perspectives. However, every single person with PTSD experiences it differently. I know that the only person that can help me to help him, is him. I can listen to everybody's advice and opinions but they may not be right for him.

So, all I can do is try to deal with my own issues and put myself first (his request) and take care of my own needs until he comes to a point where he is ready to communicate again. So yes, this is about me because the only thing I can control right now in my life is myself and my well-being and taking care of me.

You speak of my motivation for being in a relationship. You mentioned that you feel my motivation is going to be detrimental to someone with PTSD. What is it that you believe my motivation is? I am expressing feelings and fear on this board. I have not shared all of the things I've posted on this board with him. Rather than bombarding him I am reaching out to my support groups and venting to them. I am aware that he cannot process what he is dealing with, let alone what I am dealing with because of the PTSD.

Honestly I haven't slept in three days because of this hotel and I'm exhausted and I am worried about him and stressed out and I am not able to put all of my thoughts into words properly but for you to state that you know the motivation of my wanting to be in a relationship when you have never met me and are basing it on one conversation on a forum, concerns me.

Again, I appreciate the responses and even though I don't like it I appreciate the harsh statements as well as the positive ones. Gets me thinking, that's for sure.

 

[The Albatross]

The dynamic in play at the moment is your own, "I am simply reacting poorly because I don't have all of the facts and my mind runs wild with worry and worst-case scenarios." and "let alone what I am dealing with because of the PTSD". Glad that you are reading up, and getting support, and watched the vids. I guess I just don't read any of your post having anything to do with your guy's PTSD. To YOU it does... I'm just not seeing or reading it. No matter though.

Just know that I hope that you have a better visit.

 

[Sweetpea76]

@LoveHimThroughIt , I think the intention of most of us here is to make things easier for you. A lot of us have been with our vets for years, and we try to offer up advice on things we've learned the hard way, or pass along great advice other have given us in the past.

They are not their PTSD... this is an absolutely true statement. BUT it is going to be the biggest factor and interloper in your relationship. You have to deal with it a lot, sometimes on a daily basis when they are ill. It is easy for him to hide a lot of his symptoms when he is speaking to you from a distance... but in person, it is going to be a lot different. A few days is barely a glance. My vet was knocking himself out to act "normal" when we first started dating, even though he knew him having PTSD wasn't a deal breaker for me. It took 5 or 6 months of us dating for him to display some lashing out behaviors. It was a few months later that he first isolated. Each major milestone in our relationship is followed by a PTSD induced freak out and retreat until he can process. Being on this forum has been a lifesaver. I joined after that first instance of lashing out behavior and learned the best way to manage as a supporter.

It probably isn't coming off that way, but I think what a lot of us are trying to tell you is that it is super-important for the health of your relationship to set boundaries with your sufferer. Setting a boundary is laying out the limits of what you will and will not tolerate, not telling somebody else what to do. For example, you would say "I cannot tolerate X. If you do X, I will not stay around."

Just for an example, lashing out verbally is something that seems pretty common for combat vets. Because of their military training, they were taught to "fight" in "fight or flight" situations. They are not going to shrink away when they are stressed, they are going to be aggressive. If you do not set a boundary regarding this, you are just going to be dumped on over, and over, and over, and over until your own mental health sufferers. You also cannot engage a sufferer when they are lashing out, because it is like throwing gasoline on a fire. Things will escalate. Instead, setting a boundary will save you and your relationship a whole lot of stress, which is healthier in the long run. When my vet lashes out I say "Stop, I will not listen to you talk to me like that. When you are calm, you can call me." Then I leave or remove myself from the situation. We then resume the conversation when he calms down. This saves a whole lot of drama, and keeps thing from escalating.

How this relates to your situation right now is that if he is behaving in a way that makes you feel bad, then you need to set a boundary. You get to have boundaries even though you are the healthy one. Not every behavior is because of his PTSD. If he is healthy enough to have a relationship, then he should be healthy enough to take your feelings into consideration as well. Please please don't get into the cycle of excusing everything. It will just lead to ruination of your relationship. He needs some accountability too.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Thank you for sticking by me. My thoughts are all over the place. BTW, today is Buddy Check 22 (an event to raise awareness of the 22 Veteran Suicides daily and an effort to reduce that number). Reach out to your Vets today if you haven't already.

So to summarize: My reactions are my own, but he hasn't done anything wrong or crossed any lines with me. There is nothing he has done that would cross a boundary. All he has done is isolate. He has been as communicative as he can be. He has been supportive and caring. I set expectations in my mind and when they didn't happen I reacted badly - again, no boundaries crossed, just unfulfilled wishes on my part. The result of my reaction, was the original post. You all have helped me to see that my thought process caused my feelings, not his actions.

He hasn't done any lashing out, or arguing or anything because as @Sweetpea76 said, I believe he is trying to hide the bad from me. He is in full on isolation. That is the PTSD. So for @The Albatross when you mentioned that none of what I write sounds like his PTSD, it is because he has isolated and I have no information on his PTSD other than it is affecting him very badly, worse than previously, and he is unsure of when he will feel better. The only thoughts and feelings that I really have to go on are my own reactions to his isolation. I am struggling with his isolation and how the disconnection is making me feel. I hate the lack of communication, and the distance, and the fact that there is nothing I can do to help. All I can do is sit back while he suffers. It feels all wrong.

I guess that is the dynamic you were speaking about @The Albatross. Yes, he is worth it to me. He told me that when this happens "you do you, and I'll do me, and it'll be all good." Basically, that I needed to take care of my own needs and I couldn't help him and he couldn't help me either during that time. I am filling my time with my own things - I'm on vacation this week and so I have more free time, but normally I work a full 40 hour week. I have my volunteer work and I'm packing and renovating my house to get it ready to sell so I can move. While I've been down here visiting my future home, I found all of the local beaches (heaven!) and drove around to find the best neighborhoods to live in. I've visited several grocery stores and even hit up Walmart. Saturday, I'm participating in a 5k. In between, I'm participating in PTSD Support Meetings, reading and talking here because that is all I can do.

@Sweetpea76 His behavior has been admirable considering how he is feeling right now. I believe that it took everything he had in him to pick me up from the airport and drive me to the hotel. Based on a response from a Combat PTSD Vet in the support meeting I attended last night, I understand that in an intimate moment, a PTSD sufferer may feel the need to connect to their significant other, but may go into full isolation again afterwards (hence the roller coaster of emotional confusion from the supporter - that they can turn it on and off). Looking back and re-assessing the situation from the Vet's point of view (rather than my freaked out one), I can see that there was a significant difference in our intimacy on Friday - it was more serious, less playful and I realize that he never once let me go and he never took his eyes off mine.

I am at the stage in our relationship where I am trying to figure out my place in his life. I'm unsure of where I fit in. Yes, that is my issue to deal with. The fact that it coincides with his isolation shook me up because I didn't understand what was happening. At the beginning of his isolation, he just disappeared. He had told me that when he is suffering, he isolates but because we had just had such a wonderful weekend, I guess I had forgotten that he had that side too. The PTSD was not the first thing that I thought of. I thought he was breaking up with me. I reached out to him and asked him and he took the time to respond.

I have realized though, from talking to the Veteran, that routine is the backbone of a Combat PTSD Sufferer's world. Keeping in mind that they were trained in routines and rules, they establish their own set of routines and rules once they're discharged. He said that an unexpected break in their routine can throw them into a spiral. It isn't a trigger but is a significant stressor that can cause them to isolate as well. A Combat PTSD Veteran will put up a wall and there are people on the inside and people on the outside. The people on the inside, they may force themselves to communicate with because they are part of the routine (children, spouses, employers, coworkers, and so forth). If you're not part of that routine, you get shut out. I believe that my Vet wants me to be part of his life, but there is no way to add me to his daily routine while I live in a different state and even once I move, it will take him a while to take that step. Now that I realize that, I have come to better terms with the situation and I realize just how significant his actions towards me during his isolation have been.

He was willing to give me his truck for the week - his primary source of transportation. It would have thrown off his entire schedule for the week. I didn't feel right about it and got a rental car. At first I thought that was a mistake and he was upset with me and that is why he wasn't being conversational (he tells me I'm too Miss Independent - he's the first gentleman I've been around in a while and I'm not used to someone holding doors or carrying my bags. He wants me to let him do things for me). I now realize that by getting the rental car, I allowed him to keep his routine for the week. He no longer needed to worry about me. The fact that he has stayed in isolation tells me how badly he is affected right now. I know that if he could break out he would be with me every day. But, I had to hear a stranger tell me how my actions would have made them feel better, and that I understood what they needed, in order to feel better about my decision.

Of course, I would rather hear it from the horse's mouth, but when the horse isn't talking...

As for my final paragraph in my original post, I forget that you guys don't know me. When I told that same thing to my battle buddies, they laughed their faces off because they know me. That is what happens when I don't re-read and filter my posts. I just let it all out that day. He wasn't being manipulative. I was just re-living the conversation we had. I said that to him "hey you're not fighting fair, you know I can't think when you do that." We were laughing and smiling the whole time. We were not fighting at all. If I had said to him "no, stop kissing me, I have something to say." he would have. That is an ongoing, inside joke I guess, between the two of us.

I have had to send him several emails previously because his voice makes me forget what I wanted to say to him. It is like he is directly wired into my brain and it just goes all mush. When he kisses me, forget it. Yes, I know - honeymoon phase and I'm sure there will come a time when I'm perfectly able to form sentences while he's speaking to me with that smooth southern drawl lol, but now is not that time. That last paragraph wasn't really me being upset or angry, just feeling like an ass because I forgot to write down the things I wanted to say to him and then got so caught up in the moment that I forgot to say them.

Sometimes I just need to get out of my own head. So, again, thanks for bearing with me. I am in a much better place now, than I was before. I appreciate all of your support through my rough weekend.

P.S. @The Albatross ... I forgot a comma - it changes that whole sentence. "I am aware that he cannot process what he is dealing with, let alone what I am dealing with, because of the PTSD" meaning that I acknowledge that he can't process anything right now because of the PTSD, so I can't go to him with my issues or questions.

 

[Casey_03]

"So if you meet a partner who wants to move forward with you and support you with the PTSD, you just play with them for a few months and then kick them to the curb? I would really like to understand the logistics of this. Or does it play out where they get so frustrated with your behavior that they leave you?"

I don't think it makes any difference whether the partner "wants to move forward with you and support you with the PTSD." That's missing the point entirely and putting the focus on you instead of seeing it from a different perspective. As I said, many people with PTSD are not stable emotionally -- which means that yes, they can at times just "play" with people and then kick them to the curb. They can appear loving and warm at first and then change in an instant. It's pretty standard for PTSD, especially if you've only known him a short time. Flings provide a form of distraction, and I don't think it's that unusual. In fact, I think most people who are in emotional distress do this in one way or another at some point. I'm not saying your guy is doing this; I'm just warning you to be aware of this possibility. You asked us for our insight and I gave it to you based on firsthand experience. I still find it very alarming that in your reply to this post, you again focus on him being in pain to justify things and say "he is not okay right now." It really does sound like you're putting yourself second. Just because he is "not okay" doesn't mean this will just pass if you're loving and devoted enough. That's a very dangerous trap to fall into, to start thinking like that, especially for someone who is especially empathetic. He will never be okay, that's PTSD. If you use that to justify his actions every time he hurts you somehow (indirectly or directly), you will destroy yourself.

 

[Charlotte Jones]

I could not agree more....from one with PTSD. This is right on.

 

[The Albatross]

Aw... I'm a PTSD and a vet (though non combat) and I ain't that way. I still hold that the guy didn't do anything wrong at this point except disappoint. Unless or until she says otherwise.

 

[Casey_03]

@The Albatross I don't mean that all people with PTSD behave this way. Certainly, there are many who don't. The comment about this possibly being just a fling for him was written when I'd only read the first post and not the poster's subsequent clarifications. I wanted her to be aware of this sort of behavior because I see way too many supporters on here tolerating being treated like crap all because their sufferer is damaged and they think that somehow justifies things. He may not have done anything wrong; in fact, we don't have much reason to believe he did at this point. But I still see the same thinking pattern of getting disappointed and hurt ... and then the poster immediately excuses everything and walks back her initial concerns by basically placing the blame on herself for all of it. Even if the guy did nothing wrong, this is pretty unhealthy thinking. I say this not to be harsh, but so that she can be aware of it and stop it from continuing.

 

[The Albatross]

Reads more situational to me.

 

[Charlotte Jones]

Exactly ...he is fortunate to have a supporter who cares so deeply to figure things out together. I'm hoping for the best in this new relationship...no matter what all new relationships take alot understanding.

 

[Friday]

So yes, I can say with confidence that I am willing to accept a dynamic that goes along with being a partner to someone with PTSD, no matter what it is.

I'm not.

I have combat PTSD. Can I empathize with others who have combat PTSD? Yep. By definition. Does that mean that I am willing to accept a relationship dynamic (in a relationship so new I don't even know what it is, yet!) just because I can empathize with their disorder? From experience; Hell. No.

People are very different. Not all vets are the same. Even solely focusing on our disorder, we're all bloody different, with different need/wants, symptom expressions, coping mechanisms, levels of control, histories, etc. Add in all the other stuff? Oy vey.

The vast majority of men that I've dated have had PTSD. Maybe 1/3 of them, the relationship dynamic that works best for them is not something that works for me. Period. Some of that is disorder related, some of it is personality related, some situation&timing related.

Yes. A PTSD relationship will, in general, contain certain aspects not found in non-PTSD relationships. But having been in lots of PTSD relationships, the generalities count for shit. It's the specifics that matter. How well that one person & I get on & what our dynamic is. It could be a really amazing dynamic. It could be f*cked all to hell, and both of us would be about retarded to continue on in it; whether we make killer friends otherwise, or should never share air on the same continent.

Being a closet romantic, I hope it all works out for you two, better than either of your wildest dreams. But the blanket "I am willing to accept a dynamic... Regardless of what it is." ? Highly concerning, and at best very naïve. (The other side of the spectrum runs from Base-Bunny, to victim-mentality, to setting either or both of you up for misery).

It's very early days. You're just getting to know him. You have no idea what the relationship dynamic is going to be. Might wanna find that out before you commit yourself to anything/always/forever/no-matter-what.