Relationship I Feel Like The Dirty Mistress In My Own Relationship

[The Albatross]

Well... in your opening post you said:

[snip] He told me not to take it personally. I tried. It sucks.

Current Situation: He drove me to my hotel (can't stay with him because of his kids - haven't met them yet - too soon). [snip] He told me he had missed me. I told him I missed him and that he had no idea of all the crazy shit that went through my head. [snip] He had to go home because he had gotten a sitter to watch his girls.
[snip] The moment the taxi arrived, he texted me that his phone had been off and he had overslept and he was on his way *HEADDESK* I wanted to scream.

[snip] He told me we could see each other during the school week. His ex-wife will have the girls Monday and Tuesday so we can be together then. On the rest of the week we can "see each other every day" (his words) while they're in school.

[snip] While I appreciate the effort it must have taken him, I don't like being placated.

[snip] I don't want him to do or say what he thinks I want. It sets an inaccurate expectation. I appreciate the gesture, but in the long run it makes him into a liar and he is not one by nature.

Being told one thing and having actions do another is a stressor for me. I need truthful expectations set. So I have arrived and I got 2 hours of his time, resulting in sex and no real contact afterwards. So now I feel like a dirty mistress. I feel like the other woman in my own relationship. I would rather not have sex at all.

Also, he doesn't fight fair! I can't form a coherent thought when he's working his magic on me. He knows it too. I think he did that on purpose. Turned my brain to mush to ensure I wouldn't be able to think of any of the things I wanted to talk to him about.

Seems to me that you are not weathering the disappointment of the trip very well. I'm personally not very comfortable with the speed you jump to the conclusion that if he doesn't meet your expectations that makes him a "liar' nor the comment about how you suspect he's using manipulation ... not fighting fair? What evidence do you have that this was "on purpose?" Sounds less to do with PTSD and more to do with your own thoughts/feelings to me.

 

[The Albatross]

You could have spent your time in any manner you wanted... your two hours together the choice was romance and sex. The disappointments you are not weathering very well. When you do meet up again, I think I'd have a conversation but bear in mind that if it's too soon to meet his children, and if it's too soon for him to share openly, it may also be too soon to set expectations for his behavior.

Depending on how this trip plays out, I might reassess relocating.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Seems to me that you are not weathering the disappointment of the trip very well. I'm personally not very comfortable with the speed you jump to the conclusion that if he doesn't meet your expectations that makes him a "liar'.

You are absolutely right. I am very disappointed and I probably shouldn't be because he did tell me before I came down that he didn't think he'd be very social. Without the communication, I am not able to discern what is exactly meant by that. I thought he meant he wouldn't want to go out and so we'd hang out at his house or my hotel and just stay in. I didn't know he meant he wouldn't want to be social with me.

I am struggling with my own issues too. It isn't that I think he's a liar. It is more along the lines of being placated. I felt that face to face, he couldn't handle my reaction to bad news so he told me what I wanted to hear. Then because of the PTSD and feeling the need to withdraw, he can't follow through. Plus, I had not eaten since dinner the night before and I was hangry. To be honest, I haven't slept well since being at the hotel due to inconsiderate neighbors, a broken air conditioner, and other weird noisy anomalies that keep happening overnight. I jump to conclusions and react badly, but it is worse when I'm hungry and sleep deprived. I have loss and abandonment issues due to the death of my father, so I'm no ball of fun too.

 

[The Albatross]

Independent of PTSD, it is not easy to partner a man with children in any case. When I was single, I wouldn't date men with children because of the complications and nuances of relationship with the kids, the ex wife, the ex in laws... too much for me. I though have PTSD.

I hope that he pony's up for the remainder of your visit and that you are able to have the time to dialogue and clear up the matters that are disturbing you.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@albatross I think you are the reality check that I needed to hear.

Yes, the choice was mine too. I find him irresistible and I wanted to be with him, and connect in that manner too. My feeling like a mistress was my own and I was word vomiting - venting when I made the original post. I don't regret posting this because you all are helping me to work through my own issues and hopefully I will learn more about myself and my reactions and come out better on the other side.

My feelings are my own choices too I guess. I spent Saturday and Sunday at different beaches. Today, I am going neighborhood hunting after I find some sunblock - I got burnt really badly because the sun here is much stronger then where I'm from. Yes, I am taking ownership of the fact that I am handling this very badly.

I'm not sure why everyone is hung up on the relocation - I'm not moving for him. I'm moving for work, regardless of what happens with him. I have to be more conscientious about what I write. But, sometimes its is good to free write and not filter yourself. I appreciate the feedback very much.

 

[The Albatross]

I been editing the post #13 above... bolded your comments about the thoughts/feelings you had in reaction to the events you shared.

 

[The Albatross]

Good to know that independent of the relationship, you are relocating for other reasons. Don't over think his issues til he's willing to share them... self examine yours? Hope the rest of your trip is not as disappointing as the start for you.

 

[The Albatross]

There is a set of vids here somewhere for supporters... I'll see if I can find it. However, empath or not... your own issues are driving this trip and it is clear you don't deal with unrequited expectations, nor do I . It is a good thing to know/acknowledge this about ourselves?

 

[The Albatross]

Found it: Link Removed

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Good to know that independent of the relationship, you are relocating for other reasons. Don't ove...

Thank you. Your feedback has been invaluable this morning. I have to go with the approach that life is what I make of it. I can choose to get hung up on the current situation, throw myself a pity party because I'm not getting what I want right now, second guess every conversation and behavior...

OR

I can try my damnedest to have patience and wait and see what happens instead of jumping to conclusions. I can see with your highlighting that I'm the one freaking myself out. If I take a step back, I can see that he set the expectation for no expectations because he really isn't doing well. I can be a sympathetic friend to him. I will continue with my original plans for neighborhood hunting and learning the roads (I'm able to find my way back to the hotel without GPS).

He said that we could see each other every day this week. He didn't say that we would. He also said depending on how things go he might introduce me to his daughters at the end of the week. I will just have to wait and see (even though I am clearly terrible at that). It is only Monday.

Deep breaths... breathe and relax.

"I don't jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them LIKE A BOSS"

 

[The Albatross]

Know that if you choose to partner, you are part in parcel volunteering to accept a certain dynamic. What value do you set on him and yourself knowing that? I had to think long and hard about that between husband number 1 and 2. I decided, I was ill equipped to negotiate the relationships and chose not to. You may decide similarly or otherwise. Too many red flares for me.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Know that if you choose to partner, you are part in parcel volunteering to accept a certain dynamic.

I guess I look at PTSD differently than others might. I have my own medical issues. My ex-husband couldn't handle them, hence the "ex". I am a package deal and anyone who wants to be with me does so knowing of the limitations that I face. I look at this the same way. This is a medical issue that is lifelong and must be addressed as such. I guess that is why I am more willing to be empathetic. I have physical, neurological and emotional symptoms that go along with my illness, not to mention my grief and loss stuff. So, I understand about having to accept a certain dynamic.

I believe in my heart that if we make it through this and come out on the other side and are able to put in more time together that I will feel more secure in the relationship. The timing of this, while things are so new is really my biggest problem. I am insecure about the relationship. It feels like a breakup because of the emotional distance and lack of communication. He has taken steps every week to try to reassure me that it is not a breakup and he wants to be with me (that I can't seem to hang on to). My own fear and insecurity takes over.

What value do you set on him and yourself knowing that?

What do you mean? I am not sure I understand what you're asking.