I feel like therapy is breaking me

[susannahsays]

The last two sessions, one on Monday and the other today (Wednesday), I have disclosed some things. I didn't want to, but I did it. Now I have been reduced to a weeping blob of dread and fear. I don't know how I can go on. I feel like my defenses have crumbled, and I am out of control.

The only thoughts that distract me from my emotional agony are ones of a self destructive nature. I think about different punishments for myself, and sometimes carry them out. I know that when the therapist finds out what I've been doing, she'll be angry, but I can't seem to help myself.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I just feel so broken, and it only seems to be getting worse.

 

[Teamwork]

I hope the t doesnt get angry? Mine says to me, ive already been hurt enough and need some new patterns to be able to not punish the body . I don’t think he becomes angry, it makes him sad, he did say that once. Anyway, it helped me to hear that I need some new strategies, new patterns and that I’d been punished enough. I’m working on it and it is way better than it was the more I reassure myself, nah, you dont need to do that, let the emotions pass.

 

[hithere]

I'm kind of in the same situation right now... I don't think your therapist will be angry with you, but I think your therapist may begin to worry about you, which can take a toll on someone when they feel they aren't helping someone but hurting them. I have no advice, just came here because I'm having very similar experience as you right now due to therapy, and I'm thinking it may not be worth it.

 

[susannahsays]

@hithere Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this. How long have you been dealing with this? What do you think you'll do? I wish I could come up with some sort of plan to deal with this situation, but I feel so helpless.

I think you are right about worry taking a toll on people. Before I started disclosing things, I would not have cared and probably would have been relieved if the therapist terminated me. Now I find myself preoccupied with the fear that she will. I find myself asking her if she hates me and if she's angry with me. This is very, VERY unlike me. I am extremely uncomfortable and alarmed that the therapist is now apparently one of the few people whose opinions I actually care about. I guess that sounds pretty antisocial, but it's been an effective defense against being hurt. I also worry that she will realize how bad I am and decide I need a higher level of care. She has threatened hospitalization in the past, so this fear has a basis in reality. I do not think I need to go inpatient, but I also know that she isn't ok with some of my destructive behaviors.

I don't know, I just don't know. I hate being vulnerable like this. Every time I try to erect my old defenses, they come crashing down with only a little prodding from her. I don't know how to protect myself.

 

[Teamwork]

@hithere Thanks for letting me know I'm not alone in this. How long have you been dealing with this? What do you think you'll do? I wish I could come up with some sort of plan to deal with this situation, but I feel so helpless.

I think you are right about worry taking a toll on people. Before I started disclosing things, I would not have cared and probably would have been relieved if the therapist terminated me. Now I find myself preoccupied with the fear that she will. I find myself asking her if she hates me and if she's angry with me. This is very, VERY unlike me. I am extremely uncomfortable and alarmed that the therapist is now apparently one of the few people whose opinions I actually care about. I guess that sounds pretty antisocial, but it's been an effective defense against being hurt. I also worry that she will realize how bad I am and decide I need a higher level of care. She has threatened hospitalization in the past, so this fear has a basis in reality. I do not think I need to go inpatient, but I also know that she isn't ok with some of my destructive behaviors.

I don't know, I just don't know. I hate being vulnerable like this. Every time I try to erect my old defenses, they come crashing down with only a little prodding from her. I don't know how to protect myself.

A couple things come to mind from my experience. One is parts work. It’s when you say, this is not like me, well there is a part maybe just surfacing that thinks this way, so take the part that says, this isn’t like me and say something reassuring such as she tells me she’s not angry so let’s believe her. I did say stuff that caused fear to arise in my t, when I did that he emailed and I did not see it so he phoned and I was unaware and the next thing I knew there he was at my house doing a well being check. That woke me up to being careful of what I wanted if I were to say something in the future. I may still self harm or get close to it but I do not disclose it unless I actively need help. I have come to learn that if I work on certain things in session then my next few days will encourage old thinking and I need to say to it not now, my thoughts do not need to be acted on and find new ways. By doing that I build skills, confidence and don’t frighten him into wanting me to go to hospital to get checked or coming to the house which scared the crap out of me, not too mention I had no idea why he was here, I was that confused. Some people would consider this withholding from my t but at this point he knows probably before I do that I’m going to have a difficult time and I need to just ride it out, not keep telling him that. Just what I’m doing right now because I know myself that I’ll dothings I shouldn’t do but I’m working on riding out the storm long enough to correct my old patterns of behavior.

 

[Justmehere]

It’s pretty common to struggle after disclosure in therapy. It doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. It means you did something very hard and began to break down your avoidance.

It’s progress. Movement forward.

When people stop avoiding and start sharing more in therapy, something has to replace the avoidance as a way to cope with the pain. You’ve replaced it with self injury and self blame. Not ideal, but it happens a lot.

Try reframing this as an opportunity to use skills you have in your toolbox to cope more often. Not a diverse enough toolbox? Then this is a great season to try on some new tools for coping so that you can begin to replace self injury and self blame with healthier ways of coping over time.

Setbacks and relapses will happen in recovery. We have options when they happen. Two of those options:
1.) Get stuck in the spiral and shame ourselves for the relapse.
2.) Use the setback as a chance to learn.

I have struggled in the past with the idea that my therapist would hate me too. I’m glad you are talking to her about these fears. Most trauma therapists are familiar with relapses and symptoms spikes after disclosure. Most generally don’t become therapists to get pissed at and hate someone for behavioral health problems. That’s about as logical as an orthopedist hating someone with a broken leg. Think of it this way: I was on crutches from a leg injury once. My shoulder was killing me trying to use the crutches. I went into my doc and told him how and where my shoulder hurt. Did he hate me because treatment for the leg made something else worse? No. We both took it as a chance to learn and evaluate what was working and what wasn’t, and what to change. (The crutches were too short.)

I can’t help but wonder if your fears of her hating you are actually feelings you have about yourself? Feelings that actually are about old messages from past perpetrator(s)?

You do have a choice in what you share with your therapist. It’s generally good to share with a therapist about sessions that stir up symptoms and self injury, especially when things feel out of control. She can help learn to pace and contain the work, and stabilize - but only if she knows what's going on.

You can also make some choices about what you’ll do from here that can affect what you tell her.

How awesome would it be to say to your therapist you had a setback, and you used it as motivation to learn how to use... [insert healthier coping skill]...more often?

Sometimes it takes time to find the needed tools to stop a relapse. But if you can pair telling her about the self injury with also telling her what you did to work on coping in other ways, successful or not, it will help the whole process move forward.

I recently had a relapse of self injury. I took it as a sign to practice more mindfulness and better boundaries. I even took a log of when I used it, how I felt before, how I felt after, what worked, and what wasn’t working. It didn’t immediately reduce my self injury. But, it gave me a different way to talk to my therapist about it. (It did also eventually help me stop the self injury again.)

You may find that nothing is working right now as much as you need it to work. So take notes, gather information, take it into therapy and ask her for help to find a more effective path. Don’t give in to the lie that it’s hopeless. What happened to you was horrible and broken. You are not broken. You are understandably struggling with trauma and taking brave steps forward towards recovery.

 

[susannahsays]

Today was dreadful. I cried all through work (I walk dogs, so nobody was there to see, especially with my sunglasses). My psychiatrist didn't respond as quickly as she usually does when I requested a refill of one of my meds, so I have none for tomorrow. Which means tomorrow is going to be really unpleasant. The chain fell off my bike. Someone cancelled their booking with me to dog sit, losing me money I really needed. I found out I have the wrong textbook for one of my classes, and I don't know how I'm ever going to be able to get the right one and complete the essay I am supposed to by tomorrow night, especially since I will really be struggling due to not having the med tomorrow. And if my psychiatrist doesn't respond tomorrow, I'm well and truly f*cked.

And I'm still crying. I'm trying to practice self care, but it's hard going. Everything feels so unbearable.