I Feel Sick (work Anxiety)

[SeekingAfrica]

I feel sick. I just invoiced for a job I finished and realized the last payment I got was mid-September! Month and a half ago! I mean, I knew- I know- that all the mental stuff has got me flustered and working less and skipping days, but I didn't realize it was that bad.

Keep in mind that I work with clients directly. That means I either get paid per project, or weekly/bi-weekly. I haven't invoiced so rarely since ...a year and a half ago. I feel really crappy.

That means I've literally went month and a half mostly on borrowing money. That means in 6 weeks I've done the amount I would in 1 or at most 2 weeks. That means I will also get paid that amount and it will not be nearly enough to catch up on bills and returning debt.

I know with mental illness there are issues. And still I can't help, but think:

I have university degree, I should not be struggling so much.

I have so many skills and I can start so many projects which would have gotten me money already if I wasn't so hesitant.

I would not need to have anxiety over this if I just sat down and did my work without complaining, or even half of my work.

I am in therapy and I should be doing better or not worse.

I am SO BEHIND right now, how do I catch up to this, how do I handle this crisis?

Yes, I know, I know the answers to all this and I know saying this adds pressure, adds fuel to fire, but...I feel like I was blind, like I knew things were bad but not quite this much. And now my mind is spinning trying to figure out what is next.

 

[Ronin]

I have university degree, I should not be struggling so much.

It's idiots that have it easy, not smart people who got to handle them, this ain't on you fella.

I am in therapy and I should be doing better or not worse.

No wonder you're doing worse if you're in therapy and working on all the hard stuff though. That work IS work, of course it's also derailing.

I knew things were bad but not quite this much.

Hey, hey: You're aware /now/, that's better than if you realized what you have now, in, say, half a year, or another year.

So, what's helped you before?

& What give you space and solace from the shitstorm?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

It's idiots that have it easy, not smart people who got to handle them, this ain't on you fella.

Thanks for the encouraging response.

I just send the invoice to my client, and it is some relief that the sum is okay-ish...but I'm still reaaaally off my finances.

Usually it makes me feel better to take control of the situation and let go of how things were until now. That would be easy if I had savings.

The other way is, if I started now and new for sure that I will make the needed amounts by the needed times for paying stuff. Change the way things usually go.

However, I have a trip in a week, one I have to do because of documents I need from my birth city...So...I feel like I have limited time to get a hang on this. This happens before any trip I have so that's not good either. The worry for money I mean.

But...what can I do? The plan for now is to reset my budget and try doing as much sure work as I can for the next days, and just trying to take it in small chunks and breathe and relax in between. I don't think there is anything else I can do. And do nice things that inspire me in the breaks, like setting up my planner again, so eventually I have system set up and I don't have to repeat that kind of embarrasing sum up of things.

 

[Cannottakethis]

Can you make a list? Most imperative to least, with a manageable timeline? And then set something up for the future, to remind you to invoice on a regular basis.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Can you make a list? Most imperative to least, with a manageable timeline? And then set something up f...

That would be the logical way to go about it, yes.

However at the time of my trauma (second one, and how my PTSD developped) I also had so much work trouble I was constantly afraid I'll be homeless eventually(and was in foreign country at the time with no one to call)...So a lot of my triggers actually are related to money.

So sometimes when the situation is serious I start panicking. So I need to wait this out until I can be calm or else I might make it worse:/.

 

[Freedomfighter]

I feel sick. I just invoiced for a job I finished and realized the last payment I got was mid-Sep...

With PTSD it is very tough to keep that in check. Can only get up everytime when I fall down, so sorry to hear how PTSD hurts you.

 

[Ronin]

So a lot of my triggers actually are related to money.

Okay, would it help you to sort the current situation as a then-crisis, knowing what you needed to know then but your brain still registers as a current risk? Persuading yourself you've got that covered, now moving back to present and forward?

Thinking of if something compounds it and makes already difficult situation incredibly worse, maybe dealing with those overlefts might lessen current strain by a bit.

 

[Ronin]

So...I feel like I have limited time to get a hang on this.

Depends how you're looking at time. A week can be seen as a damned long time. Stress probably makes it feel as a no-time & just rush & impeding disaster but it's quite a bit of time.

Are you worried about all aspects of that trip, and is it possible to spare on some of them, if trip + money hits the most alarm bells / are there things that you can go without, and still arrive at your destination safely? What are the alternate routes and modes of transport to where you want to get? Things like that: I'd look at how I can make any thing in the future safer, and if the trip is just making everything kraaze stressful, then removing stress around it.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Depends how you're looking at time. A week can be seen as a damned long time. Stress probably makes it fee...

It would be a long time, but as I work with client which pay me in paypal, there are some days of processing time money wise, which makes it shorter.

Also it seems like one of these when it rains it pours things: there are weeks when I'm stressed and I can cut down my schedule significantly and do the bare minimum, and that helps...

This is not one of them. There are some administrative stuff I have to deal with, there are some health appointments that I can't move and payments I have to do...It also woke to my phone having issues so I have to either leave it to get fixed or get new one. Thankfully my contract was due for renewal few months back, so I can get a new one at a very low additional payment...but it's still expense that was not planned for this week.

I'm trying to figure out if the way my phone is half-functioning now is enough to get me through the trip and for me to change it later. I didn't realize how much all the music and audio books and pictures I have on it help keep me calm in transport and crowds and now I need to work out something instead of it.

Trip wise I can't cut most expenses because they are already cut, and those that aren't...are a necessity because of my level of anxiety right now.

I do have therapy in couple hours so I'll talk about it then too, as well as I'm trying to get calm and look at it objectively. We'll see.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

But one thing I thought I can do, since I'll be at the trip for a week- figure out which money I will need the day I arrive, and which expenses I can receive 2-3 days later- that might help.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Hey everyone, small update:

After soaking in the bathtub for 2 hours today, spinning all options in my head, I knew I had to make a decision.
I've been trying to figure out the finances, and after looking at them 10 times in 24h period, I realise that I can't make enough in time. And borrowing isn't an option right now. And it's not ideal, and I was really struggling with this...but finally I knew I had to do something, change something.

I tried for that something to be the money(get enough), but I realised it won't happen.

And then after a lot of spinning information in my head, I got an idea:
I can move my trip 1 week forward! It's not ideal, but it's possible. I can still take the documents I need one week later and that is not an issue. I already updated all the people that sadly I have to come later. I changed my transport dates and all else.

One week is not a lot, but one additional week...might be enough to make significant difference.
At the very least, it might allow me enough brain calmness to figure out what to do. It's not ideal, but it's really what I need right now, and of all the options it seemed like the easiest to implement for now. Even with additional week I have to deal with a lot, and not just financially, but every additional time I get is something and it helps, while I keep thinking what else I can do.