I Feel... This Sense Of Shock

[Hansgrohe]

All day it seems that I'm frequently taking pauses where I just don't feel anything at all. All I think about are the awful things that happened to me in the past, and all the things that I've done since. I keep getting all these mixed thoughts of regret, reminiscing, terror, etc. But I just stare. Stare at the TV screen, stare at the computer, stare at something.

It feels really, really unpleasant. This comes days after I "lashed out" at someone because I was just feeling so much anger and anxiety (I've been harboring so much anger). My case load assistants are keeping a closer eye on me, and I can really feel the temperature rise. One misstep and I could see everything collapse around me.

 

[Neverthesame]

I wish I could tell you something to ease your discomfort, however. I can tell you that you are not alone in this. I know very well your situation. I did the same thing.

I was having a rough day with my anxiety, then I decided to take it out on someone who just happened to be in my way. I did this at work. The next day I was suspended without pay, nearly lost my sole source of income. To add insult to injury it was entirely my fault. Fortunately I was granted an opportunity to see a councillor and did not get fired. I was however put on a very short leash, one more incident and I would be fired immediately.

While this has been a very stressful and sometimes awful experience. I have learned other ways of dealing with the anger. I used to always say that I didn't like being an angry person. But I never did anything about it, until I had to.

I noticed something after a few months of managing my anger. I stopped feeling that I needed to offload it onto others. I also know that if all of a sudden I was told "Ok you can get mad at whatever you want again without repercussion. " I would not want to.

My advice to you would be. Breathe, remind yourself why excessive anger is negatively affecting your life, and try to look at this as a challenge. Now of course every challenge, test, ect, ect. Needs a reward, or what's the point, right?
Obviously, I can't speak for you. For myself, when I realized how many people were afraid of me because of my anger, even though I never hit anyone. I felt I needed to keep working on it. I no longer make people afraid, and that is a good feeling.

Anyway I hope this helps.

 

[Freedomfighter]

PTSD changes you, you will never be the same person you were before, and when you say you stare at something and don't feel a thing I can relate. It is a way of our mind to shut down completely. I think that is actually a necessity. As kids we were allowed to do that, when you see an adult not doing anything, just sitting somewhere just watching scenery whatever, it seems most people will think this to be odd. I do not, I however I find the people who are hurrying around all day long, hyper and never slowing down odd.

When you have PTSD you need to allow yourself to feel differently, what seems differently is your body adjusting to an illness. When someone has Asthma they do not breathe the same, when someone has a toothache they do not chew, when someone has PTSD they do not think the same way anymore. What might seem strange to you is simply a safety mechanism of your mind to shut down when in danger of shorting out, like a groundbreaker in an electricity circuit.

When you have been experiencing PTSD for several years you begin to understand that everything you do is simply your system dealing with a real illness, that it is something you will be blamed for but that you can not control, can someone with a heart attack control a collapse? No. Can someone with Asthma breathe normally? No
Why would others blame a person with PTSD when they show their illness? Would we blame a person that can not be mobile without a wheelchair? Well, no never.

The more accepting you are of your PTSD and the symptoms of it, the more you begin to understand yourself and this illness. But it is a long, long, long arduous road.

 

[Hansgrohe]

Thank you very much for your insightful post. I've had a number of funny coping mechanisms. One of them, actually, has been listening to music (I've often had a taste for more mournful music for some reason). Music always finds a way to put my situation into some kind of understandable form. Actually, thinking of it, my iPod has probably kept me from going completely off the edge. What a handy thing.

What I really love though, is that you give a great sense of hope. That this is normal, and that I am not alone, and that the things that have happened, and the actions that I have committed, are not entirely my fault, because that is just my mechanisms at work (and not all of them are positive: I really should find a way to develop positive mechanisms). It helps more that this isn't some teen phase, or any other BS my teachers might throw at me. I'm traumatized, I have an illness, and I have a long road ahead of me.

Knowing is one thing, but dealing with it is a much different can of worms. I can only drive into the path, expecting the best, or worse.