I feel very hateful of myself this evening and remain feeling so alone

[SherbertLemon]

I don’t know what to do. I need some emotional security in myself and am experiencing feeling so hateful of myself and really distressed with it this evening.
I so alone. I miss the time I’ll never get back with my daughter.
I don’t want to be an emotional punchbag anymore but I feel trapped in that standing up for myself with this internalised severe sense of loss and self hatred.
I don’t know what to think of myself anymore.
I miss my dad.
I’m struggling this evening. Going back to not seeing my daughter again and there being no progress with my ex showing responding to this CAFCASS parenting plan document I sent.
I am in tatters with it all and feel like death would be easier.
I’m feeling so broken and distressed. I don’t want to feel this alone anymore. I don’t want to not be able to help others because I haven’t got it for myself anymore.
I feel like I should be apologising for being alive.
When will I feel emotionally safe again? I think I’m so unbelieve.
I want a loving family, not a mis-firing, background ulterior motive driven dynamic. I’m so scared of my ex using my vulnerabilities to keep me in a painful box of living hell.
I’m really struggling tonight. I’m really struggling.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Don't know if you can see this but I'm here.

No motives, just dont like suffering. Not sure what to say... just not alone.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Think how you feel is normal right now, what you're going through i cannot imagine. You are seen, heard and believed here.

Take your time, focus on healing, you are needed and wanted. You have your loving family, not as big or what you expected, in time it will grow and encompass others. You deserve respect and decency.

 

[Dynamic]

Sitting with you as you process

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @SherbertLemon im very sorry your feeling so lonely right now. We're hear to listen to you.

 

[Rose White]

Good work getting it out and reaching out. Rooting for you

 

[Friday]

So you’re a parent who misses their kid(s), and is afraid of their ex, and has a history of violence/abuse (towards you, or towards your ex & kids, or both, or???).

Am I understanding correctly?

 

[SherbertLemon]

So you’re a parent who misses their kid(s), and is afraid of their ex, and has a history of violence/abuse (towards you, or towards your ex & kids, or both, or???).

Am I understanding correctly?

Yes, I had a mental health breakdown in March. I had my daughter for a full week until Sunday and it was lovely.
She said on Friday that daddy shouts at her though so I’m worried about it that. He’d sooner lie to himself and expect others to believe him than be honest and do the anger management course.
I’m homeless and in a tent at the moment, I’m so tired.