Sexual Assault I Feel Violated But Not Sure If It's Actual Rape?

[Sarah Louise]

This situation is really hard for me to explain as I'm not one for feeling like a victim in anything I go through. I'm more of a f*ck it, learn from it kinda person but .. with this I feel a little different. I'm sad and tearful.
Perhaps it's the confusion I'm most struggling with, I'm not 100% sure what took place.

I went out with a bunch of collueges over the weekend and I got quite drunk which I guess is normal for me, I can handle my drinks pretty well so I tend to drink more than most.
We started in a few bars and made our way into nightclubs. Now this is where things get hazzy. Nightclubs are unknown territory for me really so I was out of my depth from the get go but I just went along with things.
I remember little snippets - a bit of dancing, slipping on sand, smoking outside, my hair being pulled, laughing with girls in the toilets, a few friends leaving.. All these weird little things. And then I woke up, 1pm in a complete strangers bed in the other side of town!
Evidently we'd had sex, I was naked and sore, so I didn't ask many questions just where was I and where was the nearest shops, then I pretty much fled.
I don't even know his name.
I have a boyfriend I love and have been with for 6 years. I truly thought I'd never do a thing like this. Getting drunk isn't out of character but getting totally wasted and putting myself in an unsafe situation is totally not me.
Anyway, obviously I cheated right? I have bipolar disorder so I assume this is the promiscuous part finally rearing it's ugly head.. It makes no sense otherwise. I have no reason to cheat! I was happy! In love.. so content. I don't know why I'd do that!
I spend the next 2 days in bed. Self hating, crying, kicking myself with every pang of anxiety. I'm so sore I don't want to move and be reminded. All the while my boyfriend thinks I'm 'unwell' and being caring, telling me to see a doctor. It's on the tip of my younger everytime he shows me concern.. I cheated on him.
Then I speak to a friend. A friend who came out with me that night.
She tells me yes, I was pretty wasted. Told me how I was outside smoking with these 2 guys ( call them X & Y). Decided I needed the toilet, I left my drink there and she came with me. As I walked on X grabbed her and told her to leave Y and me alone for a little bit. Obviously she refused, told him we both had boyfriends and she wasn't leaving me.
When we both went back she said Y was practically trying to force me to drink my drink. He was holding it and shaking it to remind me it was there. I happily took it from him but she was quick to take it away. I didn't drink more than a sip.. but whether I'd had another drink that night we don't know.
She says he was either trying to get me more wasted so he could take advantage or , and this I hate saying because I've heard so many use this excuse, he was trying to spike me..
Thing is, I don't remember just before or after this drink situation. I don't remember walking to get a taxi in day light. I don't remember anything. It's blank and that makes me feel sick!
She says Y kept kissing me and X was trying to convince her we should go to their house. Apparently at one point I did say 'but if I go I don't want to have sex with him' she told me I didn't have to do anything.
Anyway, I went with Y and this is where I woke up. My friend went with X but she got out the taxi sooner and refused all his advances, they just shared the ride.
..
After hearing all this I'm even more confused. Perhaps I'm more sad. There's no definite thing saying I was taken advantage of or raped but I know how I feel and in my heart of hearts I know I wouldn't do those things. I just feel sad, beat up and tearful. I hate, beyond belief, these blank parts! I feel sick not knowing what happened to me. Why am I so sore? No sex I've ever had hurt so much after.. perhaps I was taken advantage of but it's possible Y may not know he done that right? .. I don't like to blame anyone and make accusations. It's me who got myself in that situation.
I'm torn with this. I feel crappie and confused. But is it me being sexualy assaulted causing this or am I just guilty?

 

[RussH]

Just for clarification: You mentioned Bi-polar, but do you suffer with PTSD?

 

[Stickler]

You were too intoxicated to consent.

I'm really inclined to think your drink was spiked, but regardless, if you were so out of it you can't remember how you got to his apartment?

You were too plastered to give consent to sex.

It's rape, hon.

I say this as a person who's gone out, got really drunk, and had sex with guys I didn't know. But I really went out looking for someone to hook up with, so I was on board with that, right?

You have a committed relationship and never had ANY intent, sober or drunk, of having sex with this creep.

You were raped. :(

 

[Changing4Best]

I agree that you were raped and most likely due to the spiking of your drink, otherwise you would remember it. This happened to my beloved niece, when she was underage too. This could happen to anyone, so don't blame yourself.

I'd recommend that you speak with a professional about this, a therapist, a crisis hotline, etc. And I would recommend doing that before you tell your sweetheart. He or she can help you to decide when and how to tell your mate, or even if you should. (I would recommend telling him, but doing so after you have had therapy on this and discussed it completely with your therapist. You wereprobably in a manic episode when this occurred. So you might need a medicine readjustment too. (Or to go on some meds if you are not on any).

Oh, and by the way, I am biploar as well as PTSD, so I can totally understand that aspect of this. My sexual escapade was only with one man, and it all was a beautiful experience until he raped me one night when I was feeling sick and told him no! After that, it took me 17 times of leaving him before I finally was rescued by God and a church. I moved 625 miles away from that place to get away from him for good.

So sorry this happened to you. I hope you get lots of comforting words here.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

There are many forms of sexual assault. You were definitely assaulted. PTSD and bipolar illness often go hand in hand. You might want to consider contacting the authorities, or at least a rape crisis center. If you are out in a public place drinking, always use a napkin or your cell phone to cover your glass/bottle when you are not drinking out of it. If you go to the restroom, have a friend watch your drink closely. And, make sure that you accept no drinks carried to you from anyone. Purchase the drinks yourself. Too many pervs out there. I don't know where you are located, but if you happen to be in my area, gimme that dudes name, so I can discreetly introduce him to my crowbar.

 

[Milo's papa]

This situation is really hard for me to explain as I'm not one for feeling like a victim in anything I go through....

Sarah, there can be no dought that you were raped. Whether you were drugged or not is another question, based on "Y"s behavior I would tend to believe you were.
If you really do love your boyfriend, and it sounds like you do, you need to tell him the whole story. It doen't sound to me like you did anything wrong. It should be safe a woman, (or man) to go out with their friends without the worry of being assulted. If your boyfriend loves you as much as you love him he deserves to know, that way you two can work through it together. You shouldn't have to shoulder this alone when you have someone who cares about you.
You are more than welcome here for any and all the suppord we can offer you.

 

[Sarah Louise]

Just for clarification: You mentioned Bi-polar, but do you suffer with PTSD?

Hi, yes. But in non relation to any previous sexual assault. Due to the loss of a child.

 

[Sarah Louise]

Hi. Thanks for your reply.

My friend told me how I left that night so I'm just assuming his house was the only place I went after getting in the taxi.

I'm really struggling with this thought of it actually being rape. I wonder if that's normal?
I'm quite a loud, some what angry girl at times so it's difficult to see myself as having been taken advantage of. I keep shaking the thought off to the point I was scared of reading people's thoughts on this situation.
I appreciate it though.Thank you.

 

[Sarah Louise]

Thank you so much guys, for taking the time to read my lengthy ramblings and replying. It does mean a lot in helping me straighten my mind out a little.

At the moment I'm sort of lost as to what I should do but definitely the idea of going back to my Gp perhaps and arranging some sort of therapy again and private ear will be a great help.
I feel I need to talk to someone but not someone whose emotionaly attached if that makes sense? I feel I can't choose the right words right now .. and I'm still struggling with possibly calling it rape.
In my mind, right now atleast, I don't want to let my boyfriend know. I'm not sure how he'd see it or even how I do for that matter.
Unfortunately I've avoided medication and therapy for over a year, for other issues. I'm always ignoring things and these last few days are proof enough I can't handle more mental strain. I feel I'm going to explode sometimes.
I am more inclined to say I was taken advantage of, I guess that's why I posted, to verify my worst feelings before I allowed myself to get professional help. I'm always second guessing and am somewhat paranoid.
I don't tend to make much sense, I'm sorry, there's loads going on 'up there' that is hard to put in words at the moment.. but just know I appreciate all your words and advice.
I'm definitely taking it on for once.

 

[Casey_03]

I'd say you were definitely taken advantage of, but the thing that stands out to me about this post is your mention that you tend to drink a lot. Is it possible this was a black out? Have you ever had a black out? I used to drink very heavily and at first thought it was normal (for my age), but then I found myself in situations exactly like this one. And I had not been drugged, I'd just been blacking out and had no idea what I was doing. I don't know if that could be true in your case, but if that is a possibility, stay away from alcohol. Again, the guy clearly took advantage of you, but it is possible that you blacked out, and that is usually a sign of a serious drinking problem that needs to be dealt with.

 

[Milo's papa]

Hi. Thanks for your reply.

My friend told me how I left that night so I'm just assuming his house was the only pl...

Sarah Louise, I don't think there is a "normal" under these circumstances. You feel the way you feel and thats ok.
The fact that you are "quite a loud, some what angry girl at times" has nothing to do with you whether you were assulted or not. It can happen to anyone, anytime. And if they're drunk or drugged it just makes it that much easier.

 

[Chava]

I hate, beyond belief, these blank parts!

I've been raped, assaulted, woken up drunk and naked or with clothes missing and no memory of what happened. I've also gone too far when very drunk and likely done stuff out of character in blackouts. But, the unfortunate part is that my blackouts never return, so there has never been full knowledge of what happened. In those cases, for me, a black and white answer would not have helped me...because in my heart, I knew the answer did not exist, and that's what I had to cope with.

So, I'm not going to jump in and say you were raped. Because, based on the info you provide, I can't say that you were. I also can't say that you weren't. I would also say though, that you aren't really at fault for whatever happened. The only thing you can do now is adjust boundaries or who or where you drink, etc. I actually had to quit drinking. But before that, I narrowed down where I drank. Yes, maybe you had a spiked drink, but I don't see perfect proof of that either. You have many spotty areas around all of it, and blackouts happen anywhere along the way. I've been seemingly highly functional in total blackouts. Waking up in weird places did scare me.

I feel crappie and confused. But is it me being sexualy assaulted causing this or am I just guilty?

Could be any, but I wonder if it's just that you don't know. And I'm sorry you might not get more information, unless you feel like there is some in-between person or friend-of-a-friend who could talk to this guy and see if information matches up. If you would feel better having closure, call it rape. But you won't likely be able to bring the case to court or anything. There will always still be the unknown of where you were have no memory.

Try to get more information if you can. Look at closing in some of your drinking scenario boundaries just to protect yourself...which is NOT faulting you, it's just looking at where you do have power right now...in your choices. Get drunk with only your friends, whatever. I'd believe nightclubs are good grounds for spiking. But mainly, don't beat yourself up. You didn't have control over what parts you don't remember.

I'm not sure if any of this is helpful (and sorry if it's not), but I've been in too many similar scenarios and what did not help me was the black-and-white unavailable answer. Some snippets of memory might return, but it's not likely. If you can't get any more information, brush yourself off and take good care of yourself.

If your body strongly tells you that you were raped, you could try reporting it and maybe it would match up if the guy has a record. I say this because you seem to have that feeling, even without memory. I do have memories of the beginning of a rape, and then I blacked out somehow...but what stood out most was wanting to kill myself the next day. Confusion was nothing compared to massive dread and wanting to die (tried to kill myself within a week, ended up hospitalized). So you might look back at how you felt when you woke up, if you had any contact or if the guy was just gone, etc. Combine the info you can get from others and what your body and emotional response tells you, and consider a report if it feels like it will help or empower you.... but there still might not be a complete picture or answer, and I know that's the hard part in these situations. Very painful on top of what might be more painful but not remembered. Just very hard to "know" for certain...