I Finally Asked For Help!

[piratelady]

I have really been struggling with depression lately. As I've become more and more depressed I've noticed that I am isolating myself more, telling everyone I'm fine and smiling all the time - all the while I am just feeling like I can't do anything right and everything I touch is wrong. I just want to sit at home by myself and cry all the time. The last time I felt this bad, I tried to kill myself. Now, I will say, I am not suicidal at the moment. But I see the direction I'm headed and it's scary. That's part of why I was so upset at myself about therapy on Monday.

Anyway, today I did something I NEVER do. I actually talked to my boss about this! I didn't tell her about the PTSD. I don't think she needs to know. She knows I have my therapy each week, but as far as she is concerned, it's just to finish dealing with my divorce. Today, I told her that I've been frustrated with how my therapy went that I have actually been depressed, but haven't been able to tell my therapist. I told her I was really frustrated with myself for wasting 45 minutes and not saying anything.

She was so amazingly supportive and helpful. I guess I didn't expect that. I mean, she's always nice to me, I'm just used to people telling me how inadequate I am and making me feel bad for needing help. She didn't do any of that. We didn't really even talk about why I'm depressed. She just told me some funny stories, made me laugh and we set some goals. Now I have some long-term achievable goals. Something to focus on that has nothing to do with my family, ex, therapy or anything like that. It's something completely separate from everything else. Who would have thought a goal would make me feel so much better!

So I am really pleased that I finally trusted someone enough to tell them I was having a hard time. I'm even more happy with how she handled it. I guess asking for help doesn't always have to mean being put down and hurt. Who would have thought!

 

[melinadiaz5]

I am very happy you asked for help. It took me a while to come around too but having positive people in your life that support you makes things better. Hope you find all the help you need and im here if you someone to talk to

 

[maddog]

Hi Piratelady.

I think you have done and learned something critically important today, something that may stay with you for a long time as one of those unexpected, greatly significant, moments of connection, progress, healing and human kindness. I am beyond pleased and relieved for you that you now have a new ally on your team, someone who is physically close to you throughout the day (which can actually make a big difference), someone who is supportive, empathic and has proven to be a good listener, yet someone who still has the objectivity of not knowing all of the details of your situation, and who, most importantly, doesn't need to know. It is a special person who is prepared to offer support and assistance without a morbid fascination with needing to know the details.

Actually, your story reminded me so very much of something that happened to me late last year, something I will always remember. It involved a temporary manager of mine who was filling the position while my boss was on a secondment. I had been battling along at work with decreasing success and was on the edge of crisis, an edge I finally teetered over one day when I found myself stranded in his office, breaking down into tears and distress at a deadline I had failed to meet.

We barely knew each other and never in my wildest dreams had I anticipated I would ever confide in him. He told me he was here to support me, to assist me in any way that he could, that he didn't need to know any more or less than what I wanted to tell him, but that all he askd of me was that I tell him what I could, what I needed, and what was going to help me to be ok.

And so... I did, and it was one of the most unexpectedly validating, connecting and meaningful things I had done in a long time, and with such an unlikely virtual stranger.

Some time later I did confide some details in him, and to this day he is one of my quiet, background supporters who is always there in a crisis and whose support, while no longer present in my life on a regular basis, is always unwavering. It taught me a very important lesson about the goodness of people, the kindness of strangers, and the fact that support can come from where it is least expected, and yet still be most valuable.

Sorry for the trip down memory lane and hijacking your thread, but thanks for reminding me... for reminding us both... of the fact that there are good people out there in the world, however much we may doubt it, and it is a blessing and a gift to know them.

Maddog

 

[Beverly G.]

I am really glad you were courageous enough to take a chance. I am going to learn from your example.

 

[piratelady]

Maddog: Thank you for the kind words and for the story :) There have been so many people in my life that have done nothing but put me down and say hurtful things to me just for making a mistake or asking for help. Over the years I guess I've felt as though I don't deserve the help and support others can offer. I have grown so accustomed to carrying the entire burden on my own, no matter the cost. It is scary to put myself out there, there is a risk in it admitting I need help.

Sorry for the trip down memory lane and hijacking your thread, but thanks for reminding me... for reminding us both... of the fact that there are good people out there in the world, however much we may doubt it, and it is a blessing and a gift to know them.

No need to apologize for "hijacking" my post. You made a wonderful point. I think in being traumatize I (and many of us, I imagine) have lost the ability to trust that there is good in people and that they are willing to help; or that we deserve their help. But today I learned that there are people out there that I can trust and that care enough to offer a helping hand and an ear. And perhaps - I'm not as bad and undeserving a person as I tend to think.

On a side note: my goal? Go back to college! I went to college right after high school but did not finish and obtain my degree. I am going to use the tuition reimbursement that my job offers to go back to school in the fall. It will only be part time, but it will give me something to focus my energies on, will benefit my career, and when I do well, I will have a wonderful sense of accomplishment. In the meantime, I will start working getting things into place and get the ball rolling. I am so glad to have a sense of purpose again and something to look forward to.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

congratulations and WTG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cool:
This has been a huge day for you, so happy for you. YOu got alot accomplished today. I am so glad you have something to look forward to. I am happy that you have a real live person in your corner helping and supporting you and encouraging you.

 

[Tinyflame]

So I am really pleased that I finally trusted someone enough to tell them I was having a hard time. I'm even more happy with how she handled it. I guess asking for help doesn't always have to mean being put down and hurt. Who would have thought!

I think that is so great and so brave PL! :tup: :) , xox.

Those words are so true!
I understand what you mean, I would normally die before I'd say anything (literally and figuratively), but I know how amazing that is to be given the opposite.

But I was not brave like you! WTG!! :) :tup:

 

[Bubba]

YEAH for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so awesome! It's amazing how much help something that is outside of your every day stressors can really help to make you feel better. I am SO glad that you had a positive response and now something to focus on. Good for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :tup:

 

[lil_fighter]

:) It's always so nice to know that there are good people out there who are actually happy to listen to you and to help. It gives you that "Everything's actually going to be ok, wow" feeling and it is a big step, so well done for having the courage to do that.