I Gave In :(

[FindingMyself88]

I gave into my bad coping mechanisms… :( cutting, not eating, and dissociating (some of the time). I don't know what more to say. I don't really know why I'm writing this, I've had to rewrite it 3 times to make it this far. I'm not suicidal anymore like I was. But in the middle of all of this I am trying to do the right thing and get into community college. I don't understand myself. I really just want to curl up in a hole and hide from everything. I am feeling way to much, making it hard to dissociate completely. Oh how I just want to blank out.

 

[Jane.l]

I could have written that - that's the way I get through too - even though those things are not ideal they seem to help at the time but then I feel rubbish after that I couldn't find a better way but some days you just have to get through how ever you can.

I think it's good you are writing , however tough it feels you are doing things to try and help yourself . I do a whole bunch of positive things and then get overwhelmed by the negative stuff and come crashing down - I think that might come from
not being able to cope with the big picture .

I know it's hard but try to be patient with yourself , try to eat something , I know sometimes the feelings of hunger are better than feeling desperate but your brain needs food or your thinking will become very confused which sometimes for me makes me more likely to get flashbacks - be gentle with yourself and sleep, walk , bath , - whatever your body wants to do - it will pass .

 

[KwanYingirl]

I understand you completely. You are quite simply overwhelmed and your go-to stress relief is cutting and dissociation. They are an addiction. Can I suggest that you write out a list of places to call when you feel the urge to cut. I'm sorry I don't know your trauma history, but I call the rape crisis line. They are more than happy to help me even though my rapes ended 45 years ago.

Other sources of support is a check in with you therapist. Get one if you don't have one. Telling, verbalizing your compulsion will take it's power away, or at least lessen it so that you can weather the storm in a non-destructive manner.

Your local hotlines for crisis or call the emergency room. Have these numbers on a firm piece of paper or on back of a photograph of your safe place/people. Put the numbers in your phone.

Get rid of your cutting tools. Give them to your therapist or just toss them in the trash. Download an APP for your phone of guided relaxation. This will help your body excrete the excess of adrenaline fueling your compulsion. Remember, nothing is happening in your mind that your body has put into motion. So it's important to stay in the here and now.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sorry my phone froze. Had to send and continue. The bigger picture here is the huge disappointment you feel concerning University. It is not gone forever. One step at a time. You don't have to have the next year all planned out. What you have is today. Become a list maker. You have plenty of time to make alternate plans. It's going to be improbable for you to type if your arms are wrapped in dressings hoping you don't get infections.

Honor your disappointment by circumventing it and make new plans. Don't dishonor yourself by self harming. Besides it didn't work, did it? A quick calm but all the issues are still here and now you are being hard on yourself. Plan A has to go into holding. Now make Plan B. When all you have to do is overwhelming, ya gotta dial it down. Get grounded. Do you like yoga? Go to yoga journal.com and learn poses for grounding your root chakra. Ya gotta stay in the here and now to put Plan B in action.

And of course, vent here!

 

[FindingMyself88]

@KwanYingirl I really want to talk to my T, but she is out of town on vacation. I won't see her until next week. I refuse to go to the emergency room, I will NOT go back to the psychiatric hospital! It made my panic attacks worse! They kept me on the acute unit because they were out of beds and it was just bad, i got hit on and there were fights… both HUGE triggers. Just thinking about it I am tensing up. Crisis lines all say the same thing, find some good things to do… I already know that, but I don't have the energy or want to to do that! Part of this is punishment, so why would I want to do good? But then again I know this isn't the right thing. My mind is so screwed up!

My cutting tools are knives so i can't get rid of them because my parents need them. I've lived with them since my last suicide attempt in March. I can't talk to them though, my mom is so selfish she would make it all about her. I cut on my legs so no one can see.

I know I can get back into college, the failure of it though has just brought up so many emotions. I was already starting to be flooded after our first emdr target set. I don't like feeling emotions. But now I am and it's even making dissociating uncomfortable. I hate this!

Now in 3 hours I have to go meet with a disability advisor at the school to set up accommodations for the Fall. I really don't want to talk about my disabilities right now, but it's the only availability this week and I have to get this going for it to be in place in time for when school starts.

I just wish I could go lay on my T's couch and cry… but then again I don't want to cry. Ugh!

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Please don't take this the wrong, way, but are you sure that school is the right thing for you at this time? I realize that you see your education as your way out, but given that you had to give up on last semester due to a suicide attempt, do you really think that you are ready for classes again? I mean you are still deep in the trenches of PTSD. I don't even think you are stable enough for EMDR given that you are only months from your last suicide attempt and are falling back on negative coping skills again. I question the competency of your therapist. When I was in the trauma hospital, they told me it may be YEARS before I was ready to process my trauma as one needs to be in a relatively safe place with a plethora of coping skills that they can and do turn to when things get rough. I don't see that happening here.

I honestly think you have way too much on your plate right now. Perhaps it is time to focus on your skill building in the absence of school. That way you can focus on getting better without the added stress of taking classes. Do you have a plan worked out? I get the feeling that you are here, but you want to be "there"....ie healed. You know what you need to do in order to get to that point, but instead of taking things on one at a time, you are doing it all at once. Unfortunately, with PTSD, this sort of approach can backfire. It is oftentimes best to work on things in a particular order. Stabilize yourself first, THEN work on processing. When you are in a better place, take classes again or find a job. Doing everything at once can be a recipe for disaster, and oftentimes gets us nowhere.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Solara please don't question my T. She has helped me ALOT and I am desperately missing her right now! This school setback is what triggered, until then I was doing good. EMDR actually helped me process the rape and has lessened/stopped most of the nightmares. Yes it has brought up emotions, but my T says until I learn to feel these emotions, I won't progress. She is giving me breaks between targets and taking it as slow as I need. She has given me TONS of coping/grounding skills. Normally every session we do a few. My problem is my depression, I don't WANT to do any of that right now. I am feeling like a failure about school. I need to at least go part time to the community college, or my feelings of failure will grow. It doesn't help that I don't have insurance right now and am out of my depression medicine.

I really feel like this is just an episode and not a spiraling down like before. It just doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

@FindingMyself88 - I feel like your opening post could have been written by me as well. I just realized today when I was eating a bit for lunch that I haven't been eating this week at least not the amount or food I should be. And I had a cutting incident this week, too. I am glad that you are reaching out on here since your therapist is not available. I hope that you will know that there are people on here routing for you. I hope your meeting goes/went well today and that it leads you to where you want.

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @JEKBreatheandBelieve the meeting went okay. It's a LOT smaller campus that my university. I thought this would be better, but it is making me a little anxious. I am thinking of taking several online classes.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Uhm ok, sorry, but you can't control the responses you get in an online forum. I was trying to help, but you only want to hear what you want to hear. I'm sorry that you can't possibly consider that there are those who may see things from another point of view. You are in a bad place but don't want to change anything in your life that is currently contributing to you being in a bad place?

You were in school when you tried to kill yourself. Now you are going back to school. You don't see school as a possible trigger, given that you were thrown a curve ball by your last school and are now stressing about your new school?

 

[Friday]

1) For me: confession is good. If I tell someone I'm lapsing, it usually makes it harder for me to keep lapsing. It means I'm getting more in control of my impulses.

2) Cutting is one of those super sensory overloads / physical pain trumps emotional pain things. Do you have a list of sensory substitutes to do instead of cutting that work for you? Loud music, dance, heavy blankets, tapping, cold water, punching bag, stretching, perfume, sit-ups, chew toys (I know they have a real name, but I joke about everything and now forget the real name), massage, waxing, etc.? I know here are hundreds of sensory tricks, and out lists all get pretty personal (heck. I have a friend who is getting an entire -gorgeous!- back piece. Every time she feels the need to cut she goes and gets some more of her tattoo outlined or filled in. Her artists is great. The whole thing is designed so that after the outline she can quit at any time, and it will still look good. Even the outline was done in stages), but I think I'm almost constitutionally incapable of not doing examples lists.

 

[Mystery]

Hello FindingMyself88, so sorry to hear you're having a hard time. I just started study at a small campus too. I was so petrified on the first few days and in the lead up to orientation. Each day is one more towards the goal.

I will never ever go to a hospital for psych help ever again, so you have my full compassion for that one. Making that decision was a huge burden to place on myself, but in time I have risen to the challenge, even though a few times I have felt like I ought to be in there. Be gentle on yourself please, you seem determined to not let yourself be defined by ptsd and that is something that I find inspiring because neither do I.