Relationship I Gave It My Best Shot, Why Can't He?

[PeekieBlue]

Hello,

I've been reading posts on here for a while and had a little contact but not really shared my reasons for being on here and now I choose to do so is at a time when my man and I are splitting up.

I met my man almost three years ago. I fell in love fairly quickly which is unusual for me but he was very much a mans man, decisive and strong. His background is ex marine for 20 years. The first few months were lovely but then a traffic accident triggered him and I soon realised he had combat ptsd. From day one he had a very short fuse but not with me but gradually things got worse, to the point where he would lose it with me in public.

He can be the kindest and most generous man in the world but when the ptsd rears its ugly head I get full verbal abuse to the point where I am called a c#@t! We bought a house together 7 months ago and in that time we have been together, for the 8th time he raged that he had had enough of everything and was leaving me.

I have finally had enough. I have always been a strong independent woman and I know that his illness is slowly changing me and I am losing my identity and sparkle. I persuaded him to seek help and he is now half way through a few months worth of EMDR ( he has experienced multiple traumas so it's a long process). Part of me feels guilty that I am abandoning him half way through his therapy, but this past week I have had to leave our house late at night twice as the verbal abuse became so bad that I got scared even though I know he would not hit me. However having a very big built man over 6 foot tall with clenched fists shouting in your face that you are behaving like a cu@t is very frightening.

He says I am the love of his life and I am sure I am. What hurts though is that after all this I told him tonight I am still willing to go our separate ways, have our own space and once his therapy has finished we can be friends and see how things go. I guess I m hoping that there may still be light at the end of the tunnel, however he has said he has always moved on when relationships go wrong and there is no going back. This he said to me this evening and I took the dog for a walk and cried my eyes out as it hit me that it really is over.

I have been reading some of the fantastic posts on this site though and I have just realised that for all of his good points, and putting aside the verbal abuse, he is bloody selfish!!! I have given so much to him and now he is just cutting and running without even giving it a second chance once he finishes therapy. AM I wrong or stupid for feeling possibly more angry about this than any of the other crap I've endured or is his reaction and plan to 'move on' entirely another PTSD trait? Am I asking too much from him considering I am the one ending the relationship?

It just feels like after all said and done when push comes to shove he is not willing to put himself out for me by keeping contact and seeing if we have a future after his therapy ends.

 

[Toria]

Oh PeekieBlue - I've not been on here for a while and was looking forward to catching up on your news... I am so sorry, I really am. But - I think you list some very valid reasons for your decision, and the ball really is now in his court.

xxx

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thanks Toria for your support, it is so much appreciated and really does help knowing people in a similar situation can understand what I'm going through. I hope all is good with you xx

 

[safenow]

I hate to be the barer of bad tidings, but the only person you have any control over is yourself. No matter how much we wish for others, they have to do it themselves. Sorry.

Good luck in your life, and hope you can use what you learned with him, to take good care of yourself.

 

[discarded]

He probably thinks you are asking too much of him at the moment, given his PTSD and what he can currently cope with. He possibly feels very guilty and ashamed of himself for the way he is treating you but just isn't capable of expressing it.

On the other hand, I understand fully where you are coming from, and you definitely deserve better and a chance to be considered here. I was also the one to walk away from my relationship after 28 years due to PTSD. I know exactly how you are feeling and I would also like to be considered. I doubt you came to the decision to leave easily and it wasn't like the option to stay was a good one. He had already pushed you away. He needs time out and so do you.

Like your partner, mine also had a long career in the military. From my experience they are trained to be selfish, to put their needs before ours, to always feel like they are number one. It is ingrained in them that the military take priority over everything else. After long deployments, where they basically only have to worry about themselves, they often have a lot of difficulty adjusting back into home life, some never do.

My heart goes out to you. Please take the time to look after yourself. Find you again. Make peace with the fact you left him because it was doing more damage to you than you deserved. Recognise that you tried your best for him, you stood by him for as long as you could, but you had reached your limit and it was time to save you. ((((hugs))))

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thank you for your words of support and wisdom safenow, they are much appreciated. After much tears we have finally reached a good place today. He is moving out next week and has accepted that he overstepped the boundaries and was very disrespectful. I totally understand his behaviour is due to the ptsd and that his brain is wired with his military training ( I totally get what you say regards to the military).

We have agreed to remain friends for now and give each other space whilst we both build ourselves up emotionally again. We have agreed to 'leave the door open to our relationship' so to speak so who knows, in a few months time we may come together again. Most importantly is that although he is struggling terribly with his therapy he is adamant it is helping and is committed to continuing it.

If things don't work out between us at least I can take away the knowledge that I am the first partner he has had who helped him on his recovery and hopefully his life will turn out better for this with or without me.

It's been a huge learning curve for myself going through this and I have gained, in a way, so much confidence in myself as it has made me realise how strong I am. I am going to be left in dire straights financially but I know I have the ability to cope with these stressors whereas my man doesn't due to his illness. At the end of the day it is an illness and that is why, after all the verbal abuse, I still care for him very much. His core being is good. He is what my friend refers to as 'a good egg' :-) Thanks once again x

 

[PeekieBlue]

Sorry discarded, I addressed that last post to Safenow but I meant to address it to to you. Thank you also to safenow for your response x

 

[xlivingdeadgirl]

PTSD or not, nobody deserved to be abused- emotionally, physically or verbally. It seems like you have made the wisest decision, I don't think most women would have. Take care of you! and let him take care of himself. Best of luck in your relationship.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thanks xlivingdeadgirl, it helps so much when others reaffirm that the right decision has been made.

 

[StrongHeart]

PeekieBlue, this might not be the time for your relationship. It was one of the most painful things I ever had to learn about my own. One of my dear friends said it plainly to me last night about my guy, who is now absent from my life, and I'll say this to you. He needs help, and despite all you've done, he needs more help than you can give. Once he gets that help, maybe then he can be there for you, but until then, you will be expending way too much energy trying to make something move forward that is not ready. He has to heal, and whether and when he does is up to him.

Trust me, this is the hardest pill I've ever had to swallow, and I wish i could give you a hug right now. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[PeekieBlue]

Thank you Jedi'sGirl for your words of support. It really does help to know that others understand and are willing and happy to pass on their words of wisdom as they have already gone through all of this 'crap'!

We are still living together for a few more days before he moves out. It's been emotional, up and down with episodes of anger then tears etc. I'm staying strong though, as much for his sake as mine.

I have reassured him I am doing this for my own health as he overstepped boundaries many times to the point I felt scared. I keep telling him if our relationship is to be saved then we must do this break. He needs his space to carry on with his therapy and have nothing else to worry about and I need my Space to recharge emotionally. If we don't do this now then we will end up hating eachother.

I am putting no pressure on him regarding our future. I just say I hope he will get better and go back to being the lovely fun guy I know he is. I'm realistic though, Theres no guarantees in life.

I'm so sorry your relationship ended. It is so very painful as its not like other relationships where you fall out of love. In these relationships we really become 'torn' in how we feel and what we know is the right thing to do.

Thankyou once again for taking the time to reply x

 

[kabeh394]

From day one he had a very short fuse but not with me

verbal abuse became so bad that I got scared even though I know he would not hit me. However having a very big built man over 6 foot tall with clenched fists shouting in your face that you are behaving like a cu@t is very frightening.

Both of these sound familiar to me, and in my experience, he will in fact hit you! Stay strong