Sexual Assault I got sexually assaulted by my childhood friend as a minor.

[Amber225]

Long story short, I got sexually assaulted by our neighbor’s son. I was 12 and he was 18. I still remember it all too clearly and he said some things about my body hair, my weight and other things that made me feel insecure and afraid of ever having intimacy with someone. What he said still sticks with me to this day. He pressured me into doing sexual acts with him.

Though, sometimes I imagine the situation to get off even though it makes me sick. Or even other scenarios where I’m even younger. I feel like a disgusting human being. Am I? I have never told anyone about what happened, my family wouldn’t have believed me.

It happened in the woods near our houses, (my grandfathers house) and I can never bring myself to go back up there again.

 

[Movingforward10]

Absolutely no way are you disgusting.

I'm sorry that happened to you. He shouldn't have done that. And it's utterly understandable that his words and actions have had a profound impact on you in a number of ways.
It's also understandable that you think about it to get off. If abuse is part of your first sexual experiences, it is a whole host of muddle to work through what is desire and what is acting out previous abuse to feel certain things. I think most of us on this site have done that/do that. So highly common reaction. And one that can change if it is causing you distress.

You're believed.