littlestars
Bronze Member
I wasn't entirely sure where to post this thread, seeing as how I can't really place what I'm feeling/experiencing lately into any specific category.
I was full-time at school, but I dropped to being part-time. Less demanding, less stress. I wasn't getting much work done. I can't seem to focus on my drawings or do much of anything. I still feel like it's a lot though. I'm still not productive. I'm starting to wonder what kind of person I am actually, since no one is controlling me anymore. I feel like a wreck. Can't focus. Apathetic.
Every couple of months or so I have a breakdown. I collect everything and then just fall apart. I just literally sit and do nothing at times. I can't even watch a movie, I just have to stare at things.
I remember a time when things were just automatic. Take a shower, brush your teeth; it's what you do and don't think about. I live alone now with two cats and a dog. It's good for me. I guess I'm like everyone else in that I have needs and wants. Whether they are physiological or upon my own personal taste. I just keep reviewing things in my mind to find solutions. I know that I am lonely and that has dictated most of my life. Then there's that "you need to love yourself first before you can love anyone else" saying. The more I reflect, the more I have just noticed repeating themes of neglect and outright cruelty. I've thought about this enough when I realized that the only person who hugs me is my therapist and it is once a week. Other than that, I only have my animals.
I don't have much of a family left. I have acquaintances, but nothing that really manifests into a real connection. I don't really even bother with it any longer. I'm a source of entertainment, not companionship. People use me and they must have some type of hatred toward me. I feel alone because I am alone. That's alright, but let me put it this way...
I have best friend of nearly twenty years. We spoke on the phone last week... I was feeling this way, but getting worse before that phone call. As we were talking, I felt better that someone had actually asked me questions and cared about what I had to say - they were listening to me. Who I am, what I felt was actually appreciated - no matter how mundane.
I guess maybe a lot of this has to deal with the death of my brother, but even before his death I felt this way too, just less. He was the only family I had that really accepted me. I have nightmares still about my last relationship. Come March it will be two years since I have been single. I've seen an old friend of mine casually for about a month earlier this year. We're just friends, but he suddenly backed off and became "busy with work". I guess it doesn't really matter why.
I always just wanted to share things with someone. I just wanted a friend. Intimacy. Support. Unconditional love. The way I feel about a person... the way I feel about people. When I look at another person, I see them. Recently, I looked in the mirror and saw myself. I saw myself how I would see my brother who passed away. I miss studying every hair in his thick eyebrows and looking into his eyes and staring at his hands. I miss his laugh- I miss everything. I wouldn't know if anyone had ever had similar thoughts about me, but the people I have loved never told me anything remotely the same. They only ever put me down or would make a dirty remark into a compliment. I didn't know any better. That part of me hasn't really grown up until now, I guess. If you could call it that.
I'm lonely. I don't need someone to complete me, but it would be nice to have people actively in my life to complete it. People who care. Or just one person.
I just don't see the point really to accomplish anything lately and I live in this cyclical hell of nightmares and depression and every symptom thereafter. Everything is seemingly pointless and cruel. Both are interchangeable at this rate.
I'm tired. I'm sick of the nonsense and bullcrap. I've slipped up and cut myself recently. I knew it was wrong, but I did it any way. I don't feel well. I am isolating myself so I can just cut out the failure, disappointment, and heartbreak part that comes with actually being around people. I resent people who pose as friends. I'm done with it. I'm tired. I feel like I need to cry, but can't. It's all too much. Although, this morning I did cry a little at breakfast when I was watching my pets gaze out the window. They are beautiful and awaken something in me that I haven't really been in touch with since I was a child. At least they love me. I wish they could hug me though. I wish they could read a book and talk to me about it and tell me how it made them feel. And then I get to reciprocate.
I have therapy a couple of hours from now. At least I'll get a hug today.
I was full-time at school, but I dropped to being part-time. Less demanding, less stress. I wasn't getting much work done. I can't seem to focus on my drawings or do much of anything. I still feel like it's a lot though. I'm still not productive. I'm starting to wonder what kind of person I am actually, since no one is controlling me anymore. I feel like a wreck. Can't focus. Apathetic.
Every couple of months or so I have a breakdown. I collect everything and then just fall apart. I just literally sit and do nothing at times. I can't even watch a movie, I just have to stare at things.
I remember a time when things were just automatic. Take a shower, brush your teeth; it's what you do and don't think about. I live alone now with two cats and a dog. It's good for me. I guess I'm like everyone else in that I have needs and wants. Whether they are physiological or upon my own personal taste. I just keep reviewing things in my mind to find solutions. I know that I am lonely and that has dictated most of my life. Then there's that "you need to love yourself first before you can love anyone else" saying. The more I reflect, the more I have just noticed repeating themes of neglect and outright cruelty. I've thought about this enough when I realized that the only person who hugs me is my therapist and it is once a week. Other than that, I only have my animals.
I don't have much of a family left. I have acquaintances, but nothing that really manifests into a real connection. I don't really even bother with it any longer. I'm a source of entertainment, not companionship. People use me and they must have some type of hatred toward me. I feel alone because I am alone. That's alright, but let me put it this way...
I have best friend of nearly twenty years. We spoke on the phone last week... I was feeling this way, but getting worse before that phone call. As we were talking, I felt better that someone had actually asked me questions and cared about what I had to say - they were listening to me. Who I am, what I felt was actually appreciated - no matter how mundane.
I guess maybe a lot of this has to deal with the death of my brother, but even before his death I felt this way too, just less. He was the only family I had that really accepted me. I have nightmares still about my last relationship. Come March it will be two years since I have been single. I've seen an old friend of mine casually for about a month earlier this year. We're just friends, but he suddenly backed off and became "busy with work". I guess it doesn't really matter why.
I always just wanted to share things with someone. I just wanted a friend. Intimacy. Support. Unconditional love. The way I feel about a person... the way I feel about people. When I look at another person, I see them. Recently, I looked in the mirror and saw myself. I saw myself how I would see my brother who passed away. I miss studying every hair in his thick eyebrows and looking into his eyes and staring at his hands. I miss his laugh- I miss everything. I wouldn't know if anyone had ever had similar thoughts about me, but the people I have loved never told me anything remotely the same. They only ever put me down or would make a dirty remark into a compliment. I didn't know any better. That part of me hasn't really grown up until now, I guess. If you could call it that.
I'm lonely. I don't need someone to complete me, but it would be nice to have people actively in my life to complete it. People who care. Or just one person.
I just don't see the point really to accomplish anything lately and I live in this cyclical hell of nightmares and depression and every symptom thereafter. Everything is seemingly pointless and cruel. Both are interchangeable at this rate.
I'm tired. I'm sick of the nonsense and bullcrap. I've slipped up and cut myself recently. I knew it was wrong, but I did it any way. I don't feel well. I am isolating myself so I can just cut out the failure, disappointment, and heartbreak part that comes with actually being around people. I resent people who pose as friends. I'm done with it. I'm tired. I feel like I need to cry, but can't. It's all too much. Although, this morning I did cry a little at breakfast when I was watching my pets gaze out the window. They are beautiful and awaken something in me that I haven't really been in touch with since I was a child. At least they love me. I wish they could hug me though. I wish they could read a book and talk to me about it and tell me how it made them feel. And then I get to reciprocate.
I have therapy a couple of hours from now. At least I'll get a hug today.
