Relationship I Had To Stop Myself

[Worried]

This morning, on my way home from work I gathered my strength and called my sufferer to let him know I would not be contacting him anymore.

These last few weeks have been such a horrible roller coaster of emotions I couldn't handle the hills any longer. We were doing so good, talking via text and I even got to talk with him on the phone. Between these good communications he would break my heart, asking me to return his key and his stuff. I am trying to understand it all but the natural instinct that comes with rejection is taking over.

I met him this weekend for an hour of pleasure, he didn't talk to me for 2 days. Then when he finally answers me, he tells me that he felt no emotion and it really messed up his head and we couldn't do that anymore (fine with me). I stewed and hurt but whatever. I called him yesterday and tried to explain to him that the feelings of rejection were killing me. I told him I had the feelings of being lied to, being led on and drug on, he got defensive and nasty and told me we just needed to end this relationship all together.

So that being said, I called him and left him a message this morning. I told him that I couldn't handle the heart break anymore, I never said/did anything correctly so it was best I not say anything at all. I told him, long story short, the ball was in his court. I loved him and would love him and support him but I had to stop being the one making the effort. Told him I would be here for him when/if he needed me.

I adore this man but sometimes I wonder if I'm blaming the PTSD for the fact that maybe he just doesn't want to be with me. I know he loved me as much as I loved him but I think I put too much pressure on him. I jumped in with both feet in this relationship but he's my person and I knew that immediately.

My heart hurts! I can only hope he comes back to me.

 

[Eleanor]

Worried, this is a dating relationship right? You are not married? Here is the thing - PTSD is a horrible disease, as I don't need to tell you. This is a voluntary association - that means you can choose to stay or to go. Is HE getting treated? No matter what rescue fantasies you may entertain (and I am a past expert at such things) you cannot save him. You cannot even really help him except by believing he can get better and AS EVIDENCE OF THAT BELIEF requiring him to make efforts to treat the PTSD. He will have to do that for himself. It is not your job to "protect" him from the normal/natural pressure of a relationship. It is your job not to be a jerk (it is everyone's job not to be a jerk.)

I married someone who had PTSD, but it was in "remission" when we got together and didn't get BAD until our daughter approached her fifth birthday. Honestly, it has been horrible. I think we will survive, but if it weren't for my daughter, (as my H pointed out once) the odds are that I would be long gone. I love my H to distraction - but after just a couple of years of this stuff I am TIRED. I just flat out don't want to do it any more. I don't want to have to hold myself together when he is crazy. I don't want to have to pick up the burden of our lives when he is sick and out of it. I don't want to be a single mom. I don't want to maintain the distinction between who he is when he is "bad" and who he is when he is good, and try to figure out who is here today, and who he is becoming as he integrates all the bits of himself and deals with the stresses and strains of our lives.

In short, if he doesn't come back signed up for therapy and with a clear idea of what he is going to start working on and a strategy for doing that work on himself - my advice (worth what you paid for it, mind you) is - Walk away. There are lots of fish in the sea. Your heart will heal.

Write a list of what you want in a partner - and then go looking, intentionally, for THAT PERSON. Be at least as choosey about a man as you would be about a $500 shirt. AND (as long as I'm giving unsolicited advice) in the meantime, figure out what it is in YOU that is attracted to someone as deeply injured as he is, and heal that. The fact that you felt that connection so deeply almost certainly indicates a wound in you comparable to the wound in him. We tell ourselves lots of stories about love, and falling in love, and here is one you might want to add. If he is "your person" he will get on the path to healing and come back. If he doesn't, there is someone else out there who will be better for you, once you make yourself better for them.

Sending you both peace and healing.

 

[I Can Do This]

I hope you like to read - there is a book that I think would help you tremendously. It is "Getting the Love You Want" - by Harville Hendrix. I am sure it is even available in your local library.

Eleanor gave you very good advice - fix what is in you that is so drawn to someone so wounded (and not very nice to you).

If he is "your person" he will find you when he is ready. Breaking up doesn't always mean forever. In the mean time, use this opportunity to heal your own wounds so that you are ready for a healthy relationship when it arrives.

Those overwhelming feelings you have of pain right now - that is normal - they subside. It takes a little time - but I promise you won't always feel this way. These feelings don't have any intelligence to them at all. They aren't saying "but He's the one, don't let him go!". We girls often think they have a deeper meaning like that but they really don't. So don't let them make your decisions for you.

All it literally means is that your brain wants more of what it got used to (all those love chemicals and stuff). So in a way it feels a little like an addict who wants a fix. Be kind to yourself through it. You will find love again!

 

[Eleanor]

It is "Getting the Love You Want" - by Harville Hendrix.

This is a great book. For any who are not big readers (and his style is a bit... didactic?) the AUDIO version of it is very accessible too.

 

[I Can Do This]

Hi Eleanor - I'm a newbie here. I was wondering if you could help me learn the ropes. I was really excited about the book club but the books were all works of fiction. Do they ever do books like the one I recommended here?

Also - what does it mean to "like" a post - what is it for?
Thank you - this site is so much nicer than SG!!

 

[Eleanor]

You can ask Anthony if he'd do something like that - His original concept for the book club was just as a fun something. I think a book like this would be a cool thing to do - but different. You could start it! Float the idea and see if there is interest. It would be too much for me right now, but that means NOTHING about anyone else. I'm doing the 21 day happiness challenge, and that is all I can do at the moment.

"like" when I do it at least means just that. I like your post. I appreciate it. Kind of like nodding. It is encouragement. I expect that there are lots of shades of meaning here that go unremarked!

Welcome to you both! (BTW!)

 

[Dallas]

It is important that when you are feeling those feelings of anger or rejection to step away from the situation until you feel "normal" again. In the past several weeks I have, on more than one occasion, lost my temper and accused him of not wanting the relationship anymore, when in reality he just needed some time out. I felt really stupid.

When you feel anger or rejection...step away for a while till your head clears, or you will be feeding the fire.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Worried]

Thanks guys. The addiction and codependence that I have for him has engulfed me and I need to find myself while he finds himself. I see it over and over, people posting to supporters to take care of yourself and that's what I have to do.

He's not been aggressive or mean to me really, just frustrated I guess. I don't hide my emotions well and I'm a very blunt girl. I don't like to let things stew and get worse, I'm really more of a, I see a problem, lets fix it and move on. He avoids confrontation and gets defensive. Usually I can snap him out of it so he can hear me, this time, it wasn't working.

When he and I met he told me about his PTSD, at the time I believe he only thought it was the nightmares, etc that were his problem. A few months after we started dating he broke it off with me, out of the blue, for about a week and told me he was getting back with his ex because she was willing to move with him at the drop of the hat. We ended up back together after he realized that he was being ridiculous. The relationship he had with his ex is volatile and aggressive. I look back at that break up now and realize that that was his PTSD. He has said on more than one occasion that he doesn't deserve me and he said the same then.

I've learned with this relationship that you don't always get to choose who you love, sometimes love steps in and shoves you right into something that makes no sense. I have my problems, my ex-husband always said that I always found people that needed to be fixed. Maybe he's right. I'm a nurse by profession. I'm fiercely loyal to the people that I love and would travel to the end of the planet for anyone that I love.

I tried to explain to him that I didn't accuse him of lying to me, only that I felt that way due to the natural process of rejection. While you KNOW why you are being rejected, it doesn't stop the natural process of trying to find out why you are rejected.

My text to him after the message simply stated exactly what I needed to say....I told him I loved him, I would be there for him when he wanted/needed me to be there but I couldn't keep chasing the ghost. I don't want to live without him but I don't want to live this way either. He's seeing a therapist and they are tweeking his medications so I commend him for recognizing he needs help and he isn't giving up on himself. While I know that this could be difficult, I'm willing to continue to love him. Even if that means loving him from a distance.

I'm charging the Nook and hoping that I can download the book you guys recommended. Thank you for listening and thank you for your words and stories. I have my close friends that are supportive but I don't know how much they really understand.

 

[Nicolette]

Do they ever do books like the one I recommended here?

Yes, please see [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/book-reviews[/DLMURL] and if you would like to recommend a book [DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/wiki/book-section/[/DLMURL]

 

[Worried]

The relationship is over. With lots of thought and soul searching I am not going to love this way. It's that old saying, fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.....I can't support someone that won't let me.

 

[I Can Do This]

I a really sorry for your pain, be strong, you are making the right decision.

If you are always looking for people to fix - that might be something to focus on. That isn't healthy for you - or them honestly. Focus on yourself for a while - you deserve your own love too.

 

[Eleanor]

My condolences and congratulations to you Worried. What a difficult decision that is, and I think you have made a wise choice. and as ICDT says, focus on you, use up the displaced love on yourself.

My very best wishes for you...