I Hate Feeling Like Or Being Called A Victim.

[Justmehere]

I hate it. It makes me feel so helpless. So... I don't know. My therapist wants to work on accepting that I was a victim and learning to sit with and endure feeling helpless. (I tend to not tolerate it to an extreme that I neurotically fix problems - more than I should.)

Does anyone else struggle with this?

 

[Hydrotroop91]

Yes! It makes the situation more real. I like survivor better.

 

[desiderata310]

Want to piss me off and trigger me really badly? Call me a victim.

 

[Friday]

ROFL... Ditto @desiderata310

No. I'm not. I was.

In my own head, I always liked victim. Because it's past f*cking tense. I was a victim. I'm not, anymore. I might become one again, for a brief period of time, and then that's gone, too. Victim doesn't have legs. It's a very I the moment, thing. I'm not a stabbing victim. I'm not a rape victim. I'm not an assault victim. Carjacking, earthquake, accident, abduction, volcanic eruption.

It's like someone has a gun to your head. But the moment they let you go? You're not a victim. You're free. Change of status. A damn good change of status. V in the past tense.

I have enough other titles that do have legs. PTSD is one. As well as a bunch of others I'm less keen on and don't need to be voiced. But victims sure as hail ain't one of them.

 

[BlueOrange]

Right now, I'm working to deal with severe exhaustion, caused by my refusal to slow down, because I've been running away from my own needs. Sometimes the confronting label is the one that's useful for doing the work of understanding what's going on internally. Not that I'm a fan of the label 'victim', by any means!

I think it's important to be able to feel weak, noting that the weakness is a temporary state. I'm not endorsing finding a hole, curling up in it, and staying there forever. But I guess I am endorsing finding a hole, curling up in it, and getting a bit of rest.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, in my mind if I was never a victim then I cannot call myself a survivor and the whole ptsd healing notion would sort of be out the window.

You say it makes you feel helpless? Try to flip it around in your mind so that it is empowering. You WERE a victim but now you ARE a survivor because you won't let those b*stards keep you down.

 

[Ronin]

Hell, I sort of 'like' victim if it's something recent. If I feel I massively screwed up and 'let' people mess with me. If I'm too confused about wtf happened or w/e that all that 'survivor' talk is way in the la-la land and nothing I can see myself arriving at. Once I move over that point it's all the 'okay-dokay don't care for labels, let's just fix my shit and live one more day / month / year / whatever', but until then, victim just works for a while. Telling my head something messy happened but there's totally a chance to get rid of it.

A dear friend of mine said to me a few times 'victim' doesn't imply judgment, not inherently. It simply says someone did something awful to someone else, or something very unpredictable happened, and that's a-ok and not a fault of the victimized person. Still not sure how much I believe that, but passing it forward in case it can be useful advice to someone else.

All in all whatever you call yourself, it means one thing: you're alive to call yourself something. Bingo, you're still around. Enough to feel proud of yourself for starters, end of question. ;)

 

[passerine]

You were a victim. Keyword: were. But you survived. You're a survivor now.

I think using the word 'victim' to describe a person who has survived a traumatic event is disempowering. I feel pretty triggered when I'm referred to as a victim because I feel like being the victim means that ALL of my power has been taken away.

I totally get why you wouldn't be able to tolerate sitting with accepting your own helplessness, but I think it's important to realize that everyone is helpless from time to time and that's okay because it's temporary. You've already proven this because you've survived.

 

[scout86]

You've given me something to think about! I hadn't thought about "struggling with it", but I don't take well to being called a "victim". Right now, if my T suggested something like that, there would be a huge argument, which would probably end with him giving me the look he uses when he decides I'm "not there yet". So, you're saying it's "supposed" to be ok to be called a victim? Think of yourself as a "victim"??? It's ok, and even good to "feel helpless"?! He's serious, I guess....... Yeah, I don't think I'm "there yet".

 

[Justmehere]

Wow - thanks everyone for the responses! It helps to know I'm not alone in this.

It is true that I WAS a victim, and I survived...

Oh wow, I even think of this subject, and I start to go a little numb. Today's therapy session should be interesting.

@scout86 - yep, I'm not there yet either. I'm struggling with seeing how it could be a good thing at times to be ok with being helpless. Ugh. All of me rejects the idea! My therapist and I do joke about it some, but we have never seriously dived into dealing with it. Maybe soon.

 

[.Bubbles.]

To be honest, even being called a survivor feels a bit weird. Maybe it comes with the whole "ah, people have had it worse than me, I should stop complaining" mentality. But I feel a bit uncomfortable with both victim and survivor. I'm just a person who's had those life experiences. Does anyone relate to that?

I do agree with FridayJones that victim is past tense. So survivor is more accurate if you aren't still in the traumatic situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

I totally relate to that @Lovely Jubbly . In my mind I am neither, & neither applies (except perhaps to say on a level "I am surviving". )