I Hate My Therapist Today

[kahlan]

Honestly I hate everyone around me right now, and I should probably feel grateful he managed to squeeze me in today, but I just can't manage anything above ambivalence at best today. Maybe I shouldn't havr bothered because "how does that make you feel?" is beyond me right now.

I feel like I wasted an entire session today. Its really not his fault but it makes me feel better to blame him and not myself right now.

 

[Jane.l]

Can you see a reason why you are struggling today ? Or is it just one of those crappy days when everything seems overwhelming ?

 

[kahlan]

Its been a crappy couple of weeks culminating with my "boyfriend" who also has ptsd losing his $&% and blaming me for it because I told him I couldn't deal with his stuff because I was already at a breaking point.

Anyway, I thought a session might help get this crap that's been ppiling up into perspective, but now I just feel like I wasted an hour of my day.

 

[Jane.l]

Yes it's hard enough dealing with your own stuff - sometimes you can just be coping but can 't cope with anything else .

I have had sessions that haven't helped like I had hoped they would but after - when I have got a grip and thought things through I realised that actually nothing my T said would actually help because what I really wanted was someone to wave a magic wand and make it better and he's good but not that freakin good .

Sorry you are having a crap time

 

[katiekat]

I have also had sessions that I felt like I wasted time. A few times I emailed my therapist and told him how I felt like it was a bad session, other times I brought it up in the next session and he helped me work through what made it bad or why I was feeling that way. Other times I stewed over it for a day or two and made some really good realizations about the session and what was going on and why I felt like it was a waste, and in realizing that I was able to grow and move forward in my therapy.

I encourage you to be upset and say how you feel to your therapist because he may see something you don't :)

 

[kahlan]

@ Jane: that's what I really want. Someone to wave a magic wand and make everything ok. Its completely impossible and illogical, I have to make it ok. That doesn't mean I don't want the impossible though.

The big problem is, is that I can say what I'm thinking or feeling in the "safety" of relative anonymity but put me face to face with someone, even someone "safe" like a therapist, I shut down. That's not his fault anymore than everything else right now falling apart. I have the awful burden of being intensely self aware with absolutely no skills or knowledge on how to appropriately express it. Even though I'm paying him to help me, I can't get past the "Its my problem, I can't put it out for someone else to clean up" mentality.

I'm tired of being scared and closed off. Maybe if I'm feeling better later today Ill make a list to take with me when I go next week. I've seen that helps some people. Maybe writing it down and giving it to him will make it easier.

 

[Echo]

@kahlan - I don't know if it would help you if I were to say that my therapist guides me in how I can heal myself. She helps me learn tools, points out a different way of seeing things (reframing) and makes suggestions about what I could do to help myself.

She doesn't do the work; I do. I just need that other perspective to see things in a more positive way and I need to learn those tools. She doesn't 'clean it up for me'. Remember if he is a good trauma therapist, he's seen and heard it all before and he will definitely not judge you for any of it.

I take the stance that I don't want to be unwell for a moment longer than necessary. I don't want to be a professional sufferer, if you like, and I do believe things can get much better. I fought to get well from CFS, and many of those tools are helping me now. I am free of CFS, though many believe it is not possible. I was really ill with it for three years, but I did it, and I'm going to do it now.

Would it help to view your role in this in a different way? Forgive me if that seems inappropriate to you.

 

[Jane.l]

@kahlan I think you are saying (correct me if I am wrong ) that you are shutting down and therefore not able to express whats going on for you it's like a physical problem of not being able to speak - you want to but can't . I have this too and it's so frustrating . I would go for writing it down I do 80% of therapy like that at the moment - it may not be ideal but it's somewhere to start and gives both you and your T something to work with. I also find just the act of writing it out can also help to get a better perspective

 

[kahlan]

Not inappropriate at all. I know he can't fix it, I have to but the feeling of burdening others is still there even if I'm paying them to help me help myself. I know I need to reach out its just so hard because that naggy voice keeps saying you're overreacting and people have it so much worse.

I feel guilty for even having a therapist, sometimes because of that even though I know it's not a valid point. I've had to shove it all away for so long that its like the lock on that box in my head is rusted shut and no matter how hard I try it just won't budge.

I want to be better. I know I have to work for it. I really just feel that I'm so far in a hole with more and more thrown in for me that I'll never get out :/ I'm starting to not make sense I think. I'll try to come back later to this. I'm sorry

 

[Echo]

@kahlan - that makes total sense. I felt this way at first with my therapist. I guess luckily we had a conversation early on when I was apologizing the whole time and she got out of me that I felt a fraud and her least worst client.

She had to write a report about me shortly afterwards and I was really shocked to see me and the severity of my condition through her eyes. She says I have such a coping front, learnt as a means of survival, that almost entirely hides what's going on for me.

I was and often am in an overwhelm of flashbacks and she talked to me straight and told me the dangers associated with being retraumatised. Something in me shifted then and I finally thought that I'd better speak. I think I do often speak around the issue and avoid it, and then I get irritated with myself fo wasting money which is so scarce for me.

I just can't cope without help and I'm utterly frustrated to be ill again with a major timewasting illness. In the end, I guess we all finally find the key that unlocks things, but I have no doubt I'd be clamming up again when we get to more difficult terrain. Don't be hard on yourself. If writing it down works, go for it. Wishing you all the best.

 

[katiekat]

I know how you feel about shutting down and not being able to speak. I get that too, though it's less now that I have built more trust with my therapist and have learned coping skills and have become more aware of my feelings. I think it's also part of dissociating.

Tell your therapist that you can't find the words to communicate sometimes, and that you need him to help guide you through at times when you feel shut down. The first time I was aware that I dissociated or had a flashback was actually in my therapist's office. He wasn't aware of it at the time, but I later emailed him and told him what I experienced.

That is when he realized I have PTSD. At my next session, we talked about what happened and he told me he would be looking for it to happen again and would be sure to ask me if he thought I was shutting down. In this, we have both become more aware of it, and we have worked through ways of getting through it in a way that allows me to figure out a way to communicate.

What is happening is actually normal-if you are triggered, your brain starts to function differently so that the parts of your brain responsible for speech are basically disconnected in a sense, making it hard or impossible to speak.

Bring this stuff up to your T, and definitely write down how you feel, or write down questions to ask, such as, "how can you help me find words when I don't have any or feel unable to speak?" Maybe that will help.

 

[kahlan]

Its such a weird feeling. My whole life I've been the non stop talker...I can't stand silence. But when it comes to actually talking about the "serious real stuff " in my head I'm on lockdown. I want to say it and I can feel it trying to push its way out but my mouth won't move. That starts crying and for me crying in front of anyone I don't care who it is I can't handle so I shut down even more. 30 years of holding it all in because "you're not supposed to show emotion, babies do that" ...o.geesh I'm about to throw myself into another topic.

Note for next week for myself: Make a list and try writing it down (what I'm struggling with)