I hate vulnerability

[Justmehere]

I think being vulnerable is a little different than being open. I’ve been authentic and forthright with my therapist, but usually without being vulnerable.

Love is vulnerable. Loving anything opens up the chance of a broken heart.

I think vulnerability involves risking the pain of a broken heart or worse. .

I self advocate pretty easily. For some, self advocacy feels vulnerable. For me, it feels more vulnerable to not self advocate, but accept things as they are now.

 

[EveHarrington]

I am one of the ones that likes Brené Brown.

I think maybe just stick with her books? I haven’t seen any of her videos. I think people get too hung up on how she says stuff rather than what she says, and that leads to writing her off as a nut. Just reading the written word really let’s you focus on the message itself.

I mean do I really give a damn if Brené practices what she preaches? Oh hell no! And you shouldn’t either. I mean in a perfect world we would get the perfect message delivered by the perfect messenger, but this isn’t a perfect world, so I’ll take what I can get.

It only took reading five pages into one of her books on vulnerability to literally change my life for the better, and in a big way.

I think the key to vulnerability, at least for me, was the ability to set boundaries and not take on other peoples shit. If you can’t say “your shit is your shit, and I’m not going to own it as my own”, then yeah, I think vulnerability is going to be rough for you. I’m able to put myself out there and when things don’t go my way, I don’t own other peoples failures as my own. If things go south, I recognize it for what it is. If I’m rejected, I don’t see it as an indicator of my self worth. If things are used against me, that’s their issue for hitting below the belt. Yeah, when you make yourself vulnerable by sharing private things and those things are later used against you, that’s hitting below the belt. (People worth a damn don’t do this.) If anything it’s a BLESSING to see this behavior because you can thank your lucky stars for this red flag waving in your face so you can kick them to the curb before getting in any deeper.

I could go on, lol, but I’ll stop for now.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@Justmehere, did you ever think about, or discuss, the relationship between vulnerability and strength? I’m asking because I had this exact discussion with my therapist yesterday. I’m trying to create a space to have my feelings without talking about them and being too intellectual. It’s hard work of course, but yesterday I kept saying that I didn’t want to pretend things were fine when they’re not and that I didn’t want to be strong anymore. She turned it around and said that since being vulnerable is extremely hard for me, I’m displaying strength by showing how I truly feel. I’m not sure how much I believe in the relationship between vulnerability and strength, but it’s definitely something to think about...

PS: One of the responses to this particular thread helped me think about the relationship between forgiveness and anger, so thank you for being vulnerable here and sharing your difficult experience with vulnerability in general.

 

[Freemartin]

But, seriously, IS there an up side to being vulnerable?

I don't know if there's an upside to being vulnerable per se, but some things that are absolutely irreplaceable are possible only when you agree to be vulnerable.

Love is vulnerable.

This, for example.

@scout86 :You work with horses, right? I studied natural horsemanship for a year. That's freaking cool! My experience was that working with horses that way made me extremely vulnerable. When you actually open yourself up to the feelings and experiences of the animal, you take the risk of getting hurt. I mean, the horse, when given the opportunity (unlike they do in the more "traditional" or force-based forms of horse handling), can actually tell you to f*ck off. The animal can express dislike and unwillingness, and it's all about how you act. I often was in tears, really hurt, because the horse I was working with basically gave me the finger. Then I had to change something and try again. It was vulnerable as f*ck, yet when it was good it was like OMG this is fantastic good. Because when the horse was positive and happy to work with me, it was because I was doing things right and we connected in a deep level. So, being vulnerable opened us both up for really, deeply good and healing experiences.

Does this make any sense?

 

[Freemartin]

Some linguistics/semantics:
In my language the word meaning vulnerability literally means woundability. Like, if you are vulnerable you can be wounded by someone.
So, it's just that. If you are vulnerable, other people can cause you pain. IME many of the most significant, important and even sacred things in life can only be experienced if one is willing to take the risk of getting hurt. Also, most if not all of the worst, most horrible and traumatic things in life include the risk, and also the fact, of getting hurt.

I personally try to deal with vulnerability (which is far from easy!!!) by thinking that I'm taking a calculated risk. I may end up getting hurt, but I think I'll survive it and I'm willing to pay that price. Let's continue the examples including animals. Okay, I want to have a dog. Chances are, I'm going to outlive any canine. A dog dying means pain. A lot of pain. Been there. So, by getting a dog I'm making myself vulnerable. I will get hurt. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

With people, though, it's more complicated. You can lose the person but also get hurt in many other ways. It's not merely about keeping/losing. I've found out that some really awesome, almost sacred things can happen between people when they agree to be vulnerable. Compassion and consolation are among them. Only when I open myself up in a very vulnerable way can someone truly comfort me. Carry my burdens for a while. It's not something I learned as a kid. In the world I grew up in things like that didn't exist. Everyone was on their own. It came as a total shock to me when I first experienced true consolation. Someone else took my pain and made it his pain for a while. It was - I can't describe it any other way - a sacred moment. And it definitely called for a great amount of vulnerability.

So yeah, daring to be vulnerable has definitely changed my life. And I've been hurt, many times. Still, I'd say, it's been worth it.

 

[scout86]

Does this make any sense?

Yes? Kind of? You know, I don't actually feel "vulnerable" working with horses, I feel safe. Because I think I understand their motives and nothing is likely to come winging in totally from left field to surprise me. Not that they don't surprise me.....

Like, if you are vulnerable you can be wounded by someone.

I see this a little differently (now anyway). To me, people can ALWAYS hurt you, if you let them get close enough to give them a chance. "vulnerable" is inviting them to do so. It's saying "Look, I let my guard down, take your best shot."

So, by getting a dog I'm making myself vulnerable. I will get hurt. Is it worth it? Absolutely.

That, I totally get and I agree with you. That kind of loss is the price you pay for the good things that come with it. I guess, in theory, I can see where the same might be true for people.......

 

[Tinyflame]

To me, people can ALWAYS hurt you, if you let them get close enough to give them a chance. "vulnerable" is inviting them to do so. It's saying "Look, I let my guard down, take your best shot."

I think it is why it takes so much trust. And the more vulnerable, the less able to not be, the more trust needed, if a person is aware of that and trying not to be vulnerable.

Eiy, I do not have the words- i.e. , the more vulnerable you can't but help being, or choose to be, or simply are, the more trust you need to try, to stay and see it through.

You know with horses @scout86 , they too sense your every emotion and feelings towards them. Why you work out with them where others don't, I have no doubt. :)

I thiink @Freemartin is spot on.

 

[Freemartin]

You know, I don't actually feel "vulnerable" working with horses, I feel safe.

Just a quick thought: so do I. And yet I can feel vulnerable. At the same time. I guess it's because I'm not afraid of getting hurt by those ponies. I can get hurt but I know I'll survive. It will cause me some pain but it's not something I'm afraid of. So, I can feel safe and vulnerable simultaneously.

On a second thought: the same goes for my spouse. I often feel vulnerable with her but I'm not afraid of her hurting me. Because she won't. Not deliberately. So, the feeling is vulnerable but there's no fear of actual damage. I'm aware that I put myself in a position in which I could be seriously hurt but I trust the other person not to actually hurt me.

This is getting more and more complex... ;)

One more thought: maybe vulnerability really is a spectrum. As @scout86 said,

people can ALWAYS hurt you

That's true. So basically we are vulnerable all the time. In every interaction. Maybe we are just used to calling it vulnerability when we are "high on the spectrum". Or when it's intentional. Or or or...
Okay, shutting up now.

 

[Justmehere]

In my language the word meaning vulnerability literally means woundability. Like, if you are vulnerable you can be wounded by someone.

That's actually a really good way to put it.

I can be open. I can have boundaries. I can keep myself relatively safe in most situations. I can avoid taking on other's stuff... but that's all different to me than leaning into vulnerable.

Being in a position where I risk woundability? I break out in a sweat thinking about it.

 

[Justmehere]

Alright. I just fought through intense urges to engage in the pesky unhelpful and unhealthy coping skill. Instead, I emailed my therapist (who encourages me to email her knowing she won’t email back but we talk about it in session.) I sent an email that feels like it opens the door to woundabilty / vulnerability on a particular shameful subject. She knows it’s too much to do in session just yet. I keep trying.

I wrote what I couldn’t say out loud and now she will prompt me to say out loud next session.

Why? Why did I do this? Ugh.

My answer: sheer desperation. (Frankly, it’s a big motivator for many changes I make. Sigh.)

I googled “why is vulnerability good?” and I was stunned by all the articles about this.

I am desperate for something to change. I fear my therapist and others are wrong in claiming vulnerability is helpful.

What if she’s right? I pay her all this money because if my own ways and ideas worked, it would have worked by now...

In my email, I told her of something I’m ashamed about. I also told her something else: I liked it last week when she moved her chair to sit closer. I’m not sure why I liked it. I didn’t know I would until she did. Sometimes I struggle to make eye contact and right now I can barely let her in to my crap at all.

So what do I do? Tell her I like it when she sits closer. Ugh. I do not like being so inconsistent. But that’s me at this moment.

With the shameful subject in the email, I got mad about shame making ALL the decisions most of the time, and this time I did something different with that topic.

I feel terrible. I’m not sure sending the email was a good idea. I have no better ideas. I’m not concerned that she will leave. I don’t want to unsend the email. She could leave. I could ask her to not read it. But where would that get me? Exactly where I am now.

I don’t really know what to expect at the next session other than she will bring it up. I’m trying to think of anything I’d like to ask for from her. She starts most sessions with, “what are we working on today?” I’ve sometimes asked for skills coaching, reassurance, constructive feedback, or to jump into processing trauma... sometimes I ask her to tell me what I need to focus on. I joke that I’d love for a magic wand for the pain to go away...

In this case? If I let go of the fear for a moment, and sit with the pain, all I really want right now is to not be alone in this place.

 

[Suzetig]

Its not the first time I’ve sent an email like that; or written something, given it to her to read in session and then felt the tonne weight of my own vulnerability. The wait to see her or the silence in session feels incredible but she consistently is measured, caring, respectful and gentle in her work with me. I’ve written something, handed it to her and then completely changed the subject and not gone near it - sometimes for months - and have then gone back and picked it up again. In other words, having the material in hand to be able to wound me, my T hasn’t done so and has explicitly said she has no interest in hurting me. And I’m starting to trust that.

Each time we make ourselves vulnerable in therapy and survive it, it gives us a different model of what vulnerability offers us - instead of it being “woundability” it becomes “connectability” because we see our Ts care and respect for us (hopefully) and the connection deepens.

I feel for you, the place you’re in is horrible - I’m in a not dissimilar place myself - we’ll get through it.

 

[ButterflyBean]

If I let go of the fear for a moment, and sit with the pain, all I really want right now is to not be alone in this place.

This above is the definition of vulnerability, at least for me. To me, you’ve said everything I have wanted to say for a long time. If you work with just this, and this alone, you will get to a place where you can be vulnerable. Can you tell your therapist a small piece like this? An excellent, authentic, honest starting place... Keep up the good work! Sending support!