I Have A Sign On My Forehead

[Notsowild]

I think there was a recent post on "rape signals" or something like that. It got me thinking. I always feel that people can tell I am a rape/incest victim just by looking at me. The way I carry myself, I'm extremely shy and quiet. It's like there's a sign on my forehead. I feel really "dirty" at times. Does anyone else ever feel this way?

 

[zeckster81]

I try to do my best to make it so people can't tell, but my hyper vigilance makes it obvious. I think I foreshadow my thoughts on people more than they actually think about me. I think the majority of people have no clue unless you have been around me when I'm hyper vigilant.

I wish you peace,
Zeckster

 

[Candleflames]

Yeah I feel like this a lot too. My doc describes as feeling like a glass person so that everyone can see my insides (thoughts and feelings). It can be so bad that I see people's faces in a distorted way because I think they can see my defectiveness. That in turn changes the way that I behave which probably changes the way others interact with me. That then reinforces my belief that they can see that I am defective, my belief that I really am defective because they can see it too and finally that I deserved the abuse because I must have been defective all along.

Grrr. It's such a vicious cycle. :grumpy:

 

[Notsowild]

Yes @Candleflames that how I feel- defective. I also feel people treat me differently. It's like I have this abused aura and they feel like they can abuse me too ( usually verbal). Is this a self esteem issue?

@zeckster81...I have an anxious personality. How do you interact with people?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I think it's not a sign on your forehead so much as actual tangible reasons. Some things are unfortunately stereotypical. Wearing baggy clothes, being anxious and on edge (hypervigilant), quiet and shy, hiding skin and as you said the way you carry yourself. I think you should maybe ask why - ok, yes because of your abuse but break it down further. I'll do mine:

I'm anxious and on edge because I know that something bad could happen at any moment, people aren't to be trusted and as long as other people are around I am in potential danger, especially some types of people. I'm quiet and shy, partly because I'm scared of conflict, partly of drawing attention to yourself and because I distrust and fear people, I'm also incredibly socially awkward. I hide my skin because again, I don't want to draw attention to myself, because I don't want to get unwanted sexual attention - also huge amounts of self-harm scars. It's also because I spend huge amounts of time observing others closely and I'm looking for the signs of any shifts in behaviour yet also I dissociate a lot and am unaware of huge amounts, none of which anyone else can understand. I wear baggy men's clothing, again because I don't want attention especially sexual, I've also cut my hair very, very short. Lastly my jumpy behaviour at movement and noises, constant apologising for doing nothing wrong, I've very no self-esteem or sense of self-worth, and my posture consists of holding myself/curled up or arms crossed and biting my nails. Even if I dressed better, it might just seem like I'm anxious and/or shy but I can't bring myself to, I hide in clothing like armour. In all this paints a strong picture for anyone who sees me for more than a few seconds.

Maybe you should analyse what your behaviours are around others and in general and what you'd think of yourself if you met you? Does it paint a strong picture? Are there things you wish you could change (even if not now, maybe a goal for the future to work towards) such as the way you dress or posturing?

I think I would see my self as someone who had been abused very clearly but I already know that, maybe you think that people know because you'd know if you met you, but maybe they don't?

 

[Notsowild]

Very wise comments
@Kas_Can_Fly "If I met me" I'd say
shy, nice but no self confidence. I've been told I'm quirky. I am working on the self esteem via the "Anxiety and Phobia Workbook"
but that could take awhile. Actually putting it to work will help a lot but I'm so scared. I really don't interact with people very well. Shocking lol.

And trust is a big issue for me. I feel everyone is out to harm/abuse me. I told me T this and we're working on it.

The biggest thing I would want to change about myself is my shyness. I don't know which came first the shyness or the abuse. I can always remember being shy. When people would come over I would hide in the closet. My favorite place as a child. Holy it's just so tough. It's a lot of work. Thanks again Kas.

 

[zeckster81]

I tell myself that the past is the past and it doesn't define what is going to happen in this moment. Grant it I'm not sayuing it works every time, but most times it does. I am safe now, and I generally know that. THe only time I don't feel safe is when I am having a flashback. Otherwise, if I am interacting with people in the present moment I tell myself that and then I force myself to "open my chest up to God." Which is my terms for standing up straight with confidence. Its my way of giving myself to God and trusting that he will protect me.

I might be a little more advanced in my treatment than a lot people. I don't want you to think this was an easy place for me to get too. I started working on it 5 years ago and I am very serious about my treatment.

Good Luck. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

[ghotiff]

And trust is a big issue for me. I feel everyone is out to harm/abuse me.

This stood out to me as the potential answer as to why you worry people can tell. What I mean is maybe ... you don't trust people ... so you worry people can see too much....so you worry they can use what they see against you.

Over the years I have decided that people only see either what they want or expect to see. If someone (the majority of the population) has no exposure to survivors, then the idea just doesn't even cross their mind. When I have disclosed my childhood sexual assault to really close friends, they have a visible ah-ha moment and I realise that it didn't cross their minds before. Given how obvious many of my issues are to my close friends (as I'm honest and let my guard down with them), I always find this ah-ha moment somewhat entertaining.

 

[shimmerz]

I have people accompany me everywhere I go. I wish I had a dog. *heavy sigh*. What I have found is one man in particular who is very aware of boundaries (physical) has taught me that I let people too close 'into my physical space'. So when he takes me out he watches like a hawk. If someone breaches my boundaries (usually men), then he will step in between them so that I can feel how it should feel to have a proper amount of physical distance between myself and others. It shocked me to be honest. I was letting people I didn't know get WAY too close to me. Also, looking at people. Almost beseeching their reassurance that they would not hurt me. Both of those, so far, I have noticed about my ques to people that I have been damaged.

 

[Notsowild]

@ghotiff ...I hear what you're saying I think. So does that mean only other abuse survivors could perhaps sense my abuse? Trust is a big issue for me.

@shimmerz...I never let people get that close (except family ) I'll jump back if anyone gets in my space. Well that definetly is a tell take sign I was abuse. Right? Or just really weird lol

@zeckster81..."standing up with confidence" I have a long way to go with that?

 

[ghotiff]

@ghotiff ...I hear what you're saying I think. So does that mean only other abuse survivors could perhaps sense my abuse? Trust is a big issue for me.

Yes, this is what I mean. Its obviously not an absolute, but generally yes.

 

[Candleflames]

Is this a self esteem issue?

It can be expressed as a self esteem issue but I think it started as a self preservation skill so we could survive the abuse.

One of the ways we can survive is to identify with our abuser. When we do this we internalize their message that they are justified in abusing us because we are defective. If we can believe that it is something wrong with us than we can feel like there is something we can do to prevent the further abuse. That "if I fix myself" mentality. It gives us some sense of control. A false sense granted but it's something.

When we believe this we change the way we behave and people around us will respond by treating us differently.