I Have No "home"

[Smile]

I just moved out of state to mom's house temporarily. And now I have this horrible feeling that I've had before but now it's more real, more concrete and with me almost constantly.

Living in the place I grew up, I understand I can never live here... That I must leave before it kills me.

But going back to where I lived for the past 2 years... That doesn't feel like home. It reminds me of some of my worst panic attacks, loneliness, emptiness.

I've traveled to a lot of countries in my past. Moving doesn't fix anything. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I have no home in my heart.

Does that make sense? I don't think so... But it's led me to research suicidal techniques.

I've just been told I have asthma which means I need to quit smoking. Please don't laugh... THAT is the last straw.

 

[Friday]

First off... Let's take the straw off the camel's back: If the whole idea of quitting smoking is to live longer, but if you quit smoking you kill yourself? Um. The whole live longer thing just went out the window. So table it. Yes. You have asthma. Yes. Smoking will probably shorten your life. It will not shorten it to tomorrow. You have some time, to quit -or not- as you choose. It doesn't have to be right now. :) It can be in a year, or 5 years, or never.

Home ctd below...

 

[Stickler]

Seen people with a cigarette in one hand and an inhaler in the other...

...Home is where you are cared about and accepted. You can find that! But not if you croak yourself.

 

[Friday]

This is me talking about my own journey for finding home. Take anything useful, but just know I'm not giving advice / just talking about what I have done / am doing at present:

***

As far as "home" goes? I've been looking for "home" my entire life, practically. As a kid, because I had this idea in my head that someday we would find "home" and then when I grew up, no matter where my dad was stationed, I'd move there... And never move again!

Lol. I've got wanderlust in my veins, come to find. I enlisted when I grew up. After I was discharged? More moving. For work. For fun. I need travel. But I still want "home". I just want it to be a place I come back to.... Or, to be honest... A person I'm traveling with that makes my "home" in their heart. I've had that a few times. Nothing better. But I honestly don't know how many chances at that a person gets in life.

Home, as a kid, was with my family... Or where my pillow was! I still have the pillow thing. But it's a superficial feeling of home. Not that in your bones, this is mine, thing. For awhile I thought home might be Southern California. I <3 the geography. But the culture is "wrong". IDK. Later, as I kept moving, so did the target. What I want in "home"? Has changed as I have. I think there are many places I could happily have called home; an island in Hawaii (freaking love the mix of western, Japanese, & islander culture; relaxing as f*ck), the city of Rome (the only city I truly adore...so far!), the mountains of Montana... If my situation had been different at the time.

The older I've gotten, the more refined what I want IN home has become.

I won't have that for awhile. Right now, I'm trying to juggle a few variables that are more important to me than finding my "forever home" ;). What I am doing, however, is trying to create as many variables as I can that line up with my ideal.

As an example... I need space. A lot of it. Back of beyond would be ideal. But, for now, I need stuff cities offer (like education & public transport). Where can I get a f*ckload of space in a city? The industrial district. Not crowded cheek & jowl of the inner city or suburbs, but the wide open spaces of factories & shipping containers & everyone off work and cleared out by 5pm.

That's just one example amongst many, of trying to deliberately shape my life to create as much of "home" as possible, working with what I've got.

Best of Luck... To all of us.

 

[Smile]

First off... Let's take the straw off the camel's back: If the whole idea of quitting smoking is to...

Love love love! You just lowered my anxiety by like 600% :)

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Relocating solves very little, as far as nervous issues, I know from experience. Wherever you go, you take your mind with you. You cannot outrun your mental illnesses. You simply have to learn to co-exist with them. I haven't had a 'home' either, in many, many years. I just live in different locations, that is pretty much it. Try your best to avoid places that trigger you too much, though.

 

[Ocean5]

I've traveled to a lot of countries in my past. Moving doesn't fix anything. I suppose what I'm trying to say is I have no home in my heart.

Can relate to that very well. Lived many countries, or states in my home country. Distance only makes me feel safer. I have been considering this lately. Probably moving back to a country with the most friends I can trust.

I'm a digital nomad. Yet returning to hometown sends me in panic.

 

[Gadgie]

You should never go back,........to a place where you have memories from. I made that mistake when I drove to a town near to where I live now.

It was back in the 80s when I worked in an oil construction yard, and stayed in a flat in that town, and used to frequent this particular pub, where we had some really good times.

We worked hard and played hard, the hours were long but somehow we found time to spend many a happy night at this pub. We knew all the locals and all the staff that worked there, it was a fun place.

So one day earlier this year I decided to go for a drive and visit that same pub, and that was a bad mistake.
First of all the whole area around the pub is now pedestrians only, so I had to park the car, and walk, which was weird, as it was always a busy street with traffic.

I got to the door, and realised my mistake, the whole place was totally different, the atmosphere was totally different, as was the people in it, the staff and the decor.

I never went in, just a look through the door was enough, I knew I shouldn't have gone back!

 

[Smile]

@Gadgie , I totally agree with you. Unfortunately, I'm stuck here for now. Been here for over 3 weeks and all my therapy work that I was doing "better" in has all gone down the drown.

I feel like my "childhood me" and my "adult me" have gotten all jumbled up and I can't seem to take stock and do the homework given to me by my T.

My concentration is almost all gone... No patience... Snapping at my poor mother who is really trying the best she knows how.

If there's a God, he's really got it out for me.

 

[Chava]

I can't live close to either of my parents, and yet I know what it is to feel homeless and isolated. I create a feeling of "home" by at least choosing surroundings or work that I enjoy...something to remind me that I'm in charge of my life, and can make my home anywhere. BUT, there will always be imperfections (like I love my work, I live in the woods and feel close to nature, but I also feel isolated and lonely...in the city I'd feel lonely too though). I'm working on that part of how I connect with others but it's hard and I tread so lightly. Having a some key support people is helpful....for me that is a therapist and also a friend in AA who is often willing to go along if I'm scared to try a new meditation group alone, or whatever.

My trauma is really early. I often, especially when in physical pain, feel like I am not even in this world, but I've died and slipped into some parallel universe and can't get back in. Some days it feels like all my efforts go to just feeling connected to my own body. Forget finding good friends or getting more involved. But that sense of "home" really does start with me getting connected within myself. So if that's all I can manage, it is always the right first step. It's taken years in therapy even to get together some sense of various ways this works for me, and under what conditions.

Do you feel connected to yourself (within yourself)? That's how you could be "home" wherever you are. But I think it's also a fundamental aspect of trauma disconnection. I know for years it did not even feel safe to feel connected to myself (at best I could dwell a few inches outside of my body), so it has been important to have the support of a therapist in making this connection feel validated and supported. If you are considering giving it all up, please first do more careful research in regards to the kind of support or therapy that might better help you. In the meantime I've always felt somewhat connected to nature, so manage to find apartments or homes with lots of green or beautiful views.

As for cigs, chew all the Nicorette you want. I love it. Also, I sneak cigs sometimes and just use my inhaler a little extra. Not sure what level the asthma is for you. But like @FridayJones pointed out, there seems to be a disconnection in feeling like this is the last straw, so why not kill yourself. I'd say, just have the cigarettes instead and suffer through it until you have more means to get through. I know how hard it is to give up cigarettes. And I know how hard it is to feel like sometimes you have to grasp at reasons to even care. Helps me to focus on just the basics and getting through the day...but researching more positive options or choices and weighing out what new actions I feel like I can take.

 

[Smile]

@Chava , thank you so much for your caring and in depth reply. You've given me a lot to chew on :)

 

[a3a2]

SmileHaving run away at 26 and moved from place to place, I, too, know that feeling of feeling homeless. You can find that home, "build" that home. It takes time, hard work. Hard decisions. I don't know your age or circumstances, so I certainly can't advise you, but take the baby steps. When you get away from your triggers, you'll probably quickly regain the progress you had previously made.

My t requires me to come up with two things I can do for myself at each session. What little thing can you do to be kind to yourself?

Have you changed meds recently. One med pushed me into obsessing about suicide. Fortunately I talked to a doc before things went too far. Can you find a doc to talk about the suicidal idealiation? Get your meds changed up or get on meds?