I Have No Right To Be Angry...

[Stickler]

I have not looked for work due to a couple of whiny excuses...err... mental health reasons...Mom's been paying my bills. I ain't cheap :(.

Mom told me to get dental insurance. I was happy I was going to get my teeth fixed?

Today I canceled because mom obviously resents giving me the money she does give me...and the dental coverage is not copay free-in fact there was rather large copays for heavy-duty work...and I am still having serious trouble getting shit done anyway. So it was a waste of money, because I could not use it and WAS not using it, did not even get the basic work done like I should have because I am not very functional.
Or maybe that's another f*cking excuse. It sounds like it.
I am so ready with the excuses and the explanations! No wonder my life's a f*cking train wreck! I hate myself so much.

I try to keep my living expenses to $600 a month. That's minus utilities. But that includes $160 for car payment, $125 for car insurance ( it's just steep here, it's not jacked especially for me ). That's down to $ 300...therapy copays take out $80, so that's $220. Meds/copays estimate at an average of $60. $50 for dog heartworm/flea killer ( fleas are so bad here untreated animals may get anemia, but I treat every other month:(. )

$110 for food for me and the dogs/cats and fuel for the car...? I guess? I haven't been keeping an actual tally, but I try to stick to rice/beans, frozen veggies once a day ( but I eat half the bag, so it's good)

I am having a f*cking pity party here about my teeth and about having so little money...Because mom lives well. I don't. Mom eats out every day...I'm beans/rice...
She asked me if I liked to go to Starbucks...I think I have been to a Starbucks twice in my life. I used to go to a coffee place between work and therapy, basically paying $1.75 to sit in air conditioning for an hour, though, so I guess that counts.
In a hot climate, that is money well spent. But I don't think she gets it, maybe.

But even though she doesn't get it...I DON'T DESERVE to have a pity party.
Because I should have just sucked it the f*ck up and got a job.
Her money is not MY money and I am not f*cking entitled to a goddamn thing from her. I am an asshole for having depended on her for this long.

I have NOT BEEN ABLE TO COMPLETELY PAY MY OWN EXPENSES SINCE 2002. I was working full time, but it wasn't enough.
That is f*cking demoralizing.

When I do get a job, I may or may not be able to afford getting my teeth fixed...I dunno, maybe that is an excuse because dentists horrify me.
I do know one of my front teeth seem to be wobbly. This is likely from bone loss under the tooth. Front teeth affect appearance, which affects my ability to get a job.
But bone loss under a tooth means the tooth will eventually have to be replaced, afaik.
...If I get a part time job I can probably restart the insurance.
I have not had a cleaning since 1999. :(. Admittedly the cleanings hurt like a sonuvabitch, but I can tell it is awfully in need of doing.

This is just stupid. It feels so stupid and petty...of me, of her...

I also am going to start seeing my therapist every other week because money. :(. It's a $20 copay.

I would sell plasma, but chronic infection in my sinuses? Nope, can't.

Mom eats out every night. Mom is going on vacation. It's not my money. She's worked hard for her money, is in partial retirement.
I have no right to her money.
I have no right to feel so shitty and frustrated about this.
I need to point the finger at myself because I am the only one f*cking myself over, now.
I am a f*cking lazy ass bitch.

I won't mention these measures to her because I don't want to guilt trip her any more than I already do by sucking oxygen.

 

[Shady_99']

So sorry you're having such a hard time. You're not a lazy bitch. Ptsd really sucks the fun out of your life. I'm here if u need to talk :hug:s

 

[EveHarrington]

No----not a lazy b----

Is disability an option for you if you can't work?

 

[Sideways]

Sorry, no. Just no.

You were abused. Really badly. Didn't deserve that. Angry is appropriate.

You developed ptsd. Not your fault. And it's f*cked up your health, and that's f*cked up life. Again, angry is appropriate.

So we look at our health, and our recovery, and our life. We break it down into manageable size pieces. And then, god willing, we use the energy from that anger to start fixing the pieces, one at a time. The pieces of our health, and the pieces of our life.

My situation? Sux. Really royally sux. But if I'm gonna recover, if I'm gonna improve on my situation, I need to break it down. Where do I start? What can I work on? How can I start changing the status quo?

You have every right to your feelings, especially anger. Use it as an ally. Use it as the thing that gets you out of bed each day to make your health and your situation a little bit better. The big picture is too much, it's overwhelming and soul destroying and it'll keep you stationary. But the smaller pieces of it, the "what am I doing about it today?" - that's where change happens. That's where you start to get back the life you want for yourself.

It sounds like a slogan from a sportswear shop, but 'you can do it'. You can. You're doing it every day that you don't give up:)

 

[Stickler]

I talked to mom...no she doesn't resent me.
She worries about me...she's 65, she worries I'd be in trouble without her.

She wanted to maybe get me a small trailer to live in...I reminded her that I wasn't and am not able to pay to get this one fixed, that there REALLY is no solution other than finishing college for me.
I seem to spend too much money to live on $10 an hour.

I guess I was projecting dad on her, dad hated me for spending his money, costing him.

I still feel really frightened and sad and pathetic.

The thing is? I CAN work. I know I can. Not doing so is me being irrational. I would have to be in and out of the psych hospital a few times before I'd be deemed nutty enough for a crazy check.
Pardon if the language offends. "Functional mentally ill person."
I can work, it's just difficult. Not ill enough to collect disability.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you are well enough to work, do you have specific motivational issues? Things which stand in your way?

 

[Stickler]

If you are well enough to work, do you have specific motivational issues?

...Fear of job interviews. Fear of working for a supervisor as bad as my old one. The knowledge that I won't be able to pay all my bills on what I make, because I won't.

General exhaustion, fear, sadness, anger...it was not easy to keep a job when I was physically and mentally ill and for it? I did not even get self-sufficiency. I ran myself into the ground.

But those are not valid reasons not to work.