I have sex even though i don't want to and it sucks

[Juso]

Hey, so this feels hard to write. But I really just want to know if anyone also experiences this. It's so strange and I can't explain it.

I often have sex with my boyfriend even though I don't really want to. And it's not because he's forcing me, he would NEVER do something like this, he is very understanding. But still, I just kind of go with it, and in my head I tell myself over and over again "just say 'no'!!!". But I can't vocalize it somehow. Also the sex isn't terrible, I just feel weird during and after it. It's neither positive nor negative. Okay, it's more negative than positive. I feel kind of dirty after it, and used, which is totally irrational, because my boyfriend would never use me.
BUT the strange thing is I sometimes even INITIATE sex even though I'm definitely not in the mood! I don't f*cking get myself. Sorry for cursing, but I am so confused and it's so difficult writing about it.

I have no history of sexual abuse. I hope this is not offensive to anyone, because I know there are many victims of sexual abuse on this website who suffer a lot and it just sounds as if I create a problem where there is none.
I do have a history of emotional and physical abuse, it happened at school and at home for years. My first sexual experience with a man was also kind of negative, I was 19 back then and he was 32 years old, we only had sex and not a real relationship because he was afraid of commitment and we lived in different countries. He was very distant, he didn't want any attachment and I think this may be related to my current issue, I just don't exactly know how. When we had sex I dissociated a lot, but I still did it because I was curious. I didn't do it because of the pleasure, I was not able to feel sexual pleasure with him. Probably because I have trust issues and he was, like I said, an emotionally inaccessible guy (he was traumatized himself and lived mostly in isolation).
I sometimes think he might have been kind of manipulative, I was always hoping and waiting for some crumbs he would throw at my feet, hoping and waiting for any kind words and a little warmth. Also we fought once or twice, and he had a major problem with aggression due to his trauma, so he threw stuff around and yelled, and that was very scary for me since I experienced violence at home.
It took me way to long too detach myself from him, I think about 2 years overall.

Maybe someone has an idea why I behave the way I do? I wish I could just listen to my body more and only have sex when I am really into it.

Thanks so much for reading, I appreciate it a lot.

 

[anonymous]

Do you think your boyfriend will understand. If he will understand I think you should write him a letter and discuss it with him.
Are you on medication? My spouse has PTSD and he used to be on an SSRI medication that left him unable to have an orgasm during sex (while he was on it) and also he felt odd during sex, but when he changed medications things went back to normal. Maybe something to discuss with your psychiatrist.

 

[Juso]

Hello and thank you so much for your answer!! Yes I am very sure he would understand. I told him once that I sometimes have trouble getting into the mood and he said that we have to stop immediately if I feel that way. That's why I feel guilty and hate myself, because there literally is no problem, I could just stop it. But I somehow freeze and just continue, it's difficult to explain.
No I'm not on medication, but I nevertheless only have a medium sex drive. It's hard for me to really get turned on, almost as if my body is not able to produce proper desire. I do have a desire to "french" kiss, but my boyfriend only kisses me that way when we have sex, he doesn't like it too much.

 

[Sweetleaf]

I haven't had sex since my trauma, which did include sexual assault, but freezing is a reaction that I have had to a lot of things. It's one of the "fight or flight" sort of reactions. Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, submit, I imagine there probably are more. Maybe, for some reason, the stresses of saying "no" make you have a "freeze" reaction to that stress?

I have that reaction very often when there is a time that I want to say "no" to someone, or "stop"

This has been a problem for me in physical therapy, at medical things, in therapy (telling therapist I want to stop because it's too intense). I always have a problem stopping when I start to get uncomfortable, or saying no. I don't know how long this has been a problem for me, it could have been a thing before my abuse. It did seem to be my way of approaching practice for sports in school, or physical education sort of classes in university, or at physical therapy - I just follow whatever directions I'm given, as best as I can, and don't complain or stop unless I physically cannot force myself to continue. I had some really strict coaches growing up lol. My PT called me a "glutton for punishment" and I've heard similar things from other people.

In the case of sport, it is kind of beneficial to be like that, I guess. But, with sex, or with other things in life, or with things that are triggering, it can be bad. Freezing up probably saved my life during many of my traumas, but it is something that can be problematic outside of such horrible situations.

I need help myself, not freezing up so much, and not keeping it to myself when something is getting too uncomfortable or when I don't want to do something.

 

[Friday]

BUT the strange thing is I sometimes even INITIATE sex even though I'm definitely not in the mood! I don't f*cking get myself. Sorry for cursing, but I am so confused and it's so difficult writing about it.

Even taking everything else off th table? This is pretty normal.

Meaning that when you add everything back in, there are going to be a lot more layers to this, however it’s also not insane. :tup: Think about other areas of your life, where you’re doing things you don’t want to do, for various reasons. From things you usually love but just aren’t in the mood for (by do anyway), to things you hate at every level but do anyway (for various reasons). To all the in between stuff, like getting up in the morning to you alarm when you’d rather sleep in, to taking out the garbage in the rain, to exercising when you just wanna be lazy, to skipping cheesecake (omg, the cheesecake, no yes no yes no no no nooooooo waaaaaah :arghh; )

As PEOPLE we make decisions to do things we’d really rather not do... all the time.

Not because someone is forcing us. Because we’ve made the decision to do it. Whether we end up enjoying it, gritting our teeth through it, regretting it, being proud of it, etc.?

Sex is no different.

Even with zero history of sexual assault OR trauma perfectly normal people have sex when they don’t really want to. Even if sex is usually their favorite thing, ever, there are just times when you don’t wanna do it, and decide to anyway.

So... Baseline... you’re not crazy. :D

Adding in PTSD, trauma side effects (doesn’t have to be sexually based, or even relationship based trauma for side effects to f*ck with your sex life), “just” complicates a very normal thing. The same way PTSD & Trauma can complicate any other area of life. And often does. :facepalm:

 

[Juso]

@Sweetleaf
Hello and thanks a lot for your perspective! I am very sorry you had to experience such terrible things. Yes, saying no in uncomfortable situations is difficult for me as well, I was freezing during the emotional and physical abuse too. I never told anyone off, I didn't even allow myself to feel angry, and I never protected myself. All these "daily" situations you described I know too, and I behave similarly. I don't know why some people respond with either escaping, fighting, fawning or freezing, I guess it's a mixture of personality and what the environment allows at that moment.
I hope you'll get better at expressing what you don't want to do/experience!:hug:

@Friday
Hey! Thank you so much for your opinion! And yes I know I'm not crazy because of that, haha. :D I get what you're saying, this probably happens a lot in relationships and is totally normal - not really being in the mood but still having sex. I also don't feel seriously affected by it, it's just uncomfortable.
Though I must say that in situations in which I don't feel good I want to be able to express that and walk away from it. The examples you stated (taking out the trash, exercising, getting up, ect), they all have a long-term goal, don't they? So that's probably the reason why we are deciding to do all of that - because in the end we'll hopefully get rewarded. OR we'll get punished (because the house smells of trash), so we kind of HAVE to do it.
I think it's different with stuff that brings rewards immediately and not at a later moment in time, so the only reason we're doing that stuff is pleasure. I mean, I don't know if there are many people that do things that are inherently pleasurable even though they don't find them pleasurable at that moment. Like eating, for example, if you look at food from a pure pleasure-oriented perspective. Maybe binge eaters eat even though they don't even like it anymore, but that's the only example I could think of.
You also go on a roller coaster because its inherently pleasurable (e.g. adrenaline and dopamine rush), so why would you do it if its not pleasurable for you (peer pressure excluded)? Do you know what I mean?

Maybe I'll just muster up the courage to tell my boyfriend what I told you and then he could maybe ask if I really want sex right now, because just shaking my head would probably be easier than interrupting everything and explaining myself, you know? And then after a while I'll probably get better at expressing it.

I also thought that maybe I am just wanting to be close to him and I confuse it with sex.

 

[Hooper]

@Sweetleaf


I also thought that maybe I am just wanting to be close to him and I confuse it with sex.

I think this is the normal direction of a relationship. In the beginning sex is frequent. I call it the rabbit phase but the proper term is limerence. After a period of time each partner reverts to their normal libido. The odds of 2 people having the same libido is low. Men and women are wired differently not that their aren't women with higher libidos than men. I completely agree with Friday. Sometimes we just do things we have to do regardless of whether we want to. To me sex is the ultimate gift. I have a high libido. It's embarrassing actually since every day would be fine with me. My wife is more along the lines of once a week. In the limerence phase she disclosed she had been raped and it did not effect the way I felt about her. It sure didn't seem to effect her libido but as time went on we reverted to our means. Given her history a no was a no. Add kids, jobs, mortgage and all the responsibilities of life and sex gets set aside. The reason I quoted what you wrote is sex is a way to be close to your partner. Once my kids were independent we compromised between our differing drives. Once a week went to almost every other day. As a man to hear my wife say I have sex even though it sucks is brutal. My wife compromised as an act of love. Sex for me is about love, connection and desire. For my wife it is an act of love. I have to accept that and be thankful for it. I would love to go back in time and rekindle the desire that was mutual in the beginning but that is not reality. I still get love and connection through sex so don't confuse the 2. They are related. At least from the perspective of this partner. Wish you well.

 

[Still Standing]

Wow! Well said, Hooper.:tup:

 

[Hooper]

Still Standing,
I really appreciate that. I'm one of these guys whose wife was raped and didn't handle it worth a damn. In fact it was so bad I got skewered on my first thread that in fact was an act of love from a bunch of women who have been raped. I have learned as much here as in therapy in a lot of ways. As one of the few men who post here I feel a responsibility to give my individual male perspective (although I don't consider myself normal) to pay back what was given to me. I've been in therapy for over 3 years and just started marriage counseling. My marriage is not in jeopardy but an impartial professional view is worth every penny. Writing is therapeutic and when done correctly it helps others and is very rewarding. I've spent $2-3k in therapy and donated maybe $100-150 here. If it's not 150 it will be soon. This site is such a great resource. Thanks to all who make it what it is and that's just coming from a secondary survivor. Anyone wanting the perspective of the fragile male ego feel free to message me. It's the least I can do.
hooper

 

[Still Standing]

For one, I do and will appreciate your input. It is nice to hear from the male side of the world. I was thinking about your previous post about an hour ago and considered sharing it with my Therapist, because I think it's that well written from a man's point of view, that both genders can take advice from. From a woman's perspective, what your shared is everything I wish I could share with hubby. Perhaps someday. Thanks for your honest viewpoint.

And you are also correct. This is the best place to be for PTSD support and education. It has been my lifeline, at times, because I do not have real life support except for my Therapist. Words are not adequate to describe the appreciation for it. To monetarily support this site is the best way to say "Thank your" for it.

 

[Mee]

My take on initiating is that like you I want to be close to my partner. I actually do often have desire to have sex with him but it's been difficult for me ( he just read over my shoulder kissed it and said difficult for ’us’ ) too because I tend to either start crying, disassociate or flashback. It's obviously not rewarding for him. When crying is the least bad option you get from your partner .

We have taken two stages of responsibility. I have a responsibility to say ’no’or ’ I would really like to be close to you but without sex, could we kiss some more than usual with out....’

And he is making me use my words, if I start to disassociate he really is fantastic when I say ’i want to keep going’ he is very deter timed he will not respond to anything that might be fawning behaviour and raking advantage if me

 

[Hooper]

The best way I've heard differing desires expressed is comparing it to a different appetite like food. One person can eat and be ready to eat again in 3 hours whereas another can eat once a day. The problem with sex is it is so personal. It does not phase me that my wife isn't ready to eat when I am but when you replace eat with sex and you are the one always initiating like the frequent eater I think men take it personally. I know I do. Sex is also complicated especially with a history of rape if you are an empathetic person. I desire sex with my wife. I do not cheat and have no other outlet outside of solo which doesn't compare. It is difficult position for my wife to desire me when she is a once a week type. Having sex once a week is just painful and hard to not take personally and resentment builds. I may get skewered for this and it did drop my therapist's jaw (female) but the partner with the low libido is in control as long as they are not married to a rapist. If my wife wants to have sex 1 day a week and wants to not have sex 6 days a week she gets what she wants 7 days a week and I get what I want 1 day a week. I am aware my desire for sex daily is unreasonable. So we compromised and met in the middle. Marriage is not easy. I'll never know the effect being raped at 13 had on my wife. It feels like there is a presence in my bedroom. That said I wouldn't trade my wife for anyone. She is such a great mom, spouse and person in general it fuels my rage at her rapist. After 18 years I've only known the details for 3 years. In marriage counseling my wife never told anyone for 3 years. I guess I've got a ways to go. I don't think I'm normal in the sense it eats at my core we accept 1 in 4 women getting raped while only putting 6 out of 1000 rapists in jail. That's a whole other subject. Gotta get to work.
hooper