I Hold My Own Death As A Card In The Deck To Be Played When There Are No Other Cards Left

[Valer]

So it seems that death is the only card left.
Despite being away from home, my PTSD and depression have been much worse than ever before. Most days come out to be bad days, even if they start out alright. i've had it. If i'm not constantly terrified of my actual abuser coming here to do as he may, i'm stuck in the remnants of everything he's caused. i'm so tired of being afraid all of the time. i'm tired of the necessity to lock my room and hide behind the door with a knife in fear that he'll be there any minute. i'm sick of having constant flashbacks from things as trivial as the color of a car, or the scent of a specific cigarette in passing. It's all my fault that i even met him. If i had not been so stupid back in 9th grade, and so desperate to have just one friend i would have never met him. Maybe i'll just get what's coming to me. Why hasn't he murdered me yet? He's threatened. i just wish he'd do it already, rather than leaving me to feel dead. There's so many paths i have exhausted trying to get out of this, and be able to live my life and none of them have worked or are even plausible. It's coming down to the wire. If i don't get out of it, he'll get me pregnant leaving me with little to no chance of escape. On the other hand, if i die now this can all be over. No more shame, or guilt, or consistently feeling like i'm some cheap whore to be used because that's apparently what i was created for. Death's just a 300$, a needle, and a baggie away, so why not? i'll die the disgusting pig i was born to be.

 

[Starlite]

Valer,
So are you currently living with you abuser? If so you need to get out. Whatever it takes. I know personally how you feel. The fear, the hope for death to come and take you away from this nightmare. I lived with my abuser. It was my moms boyfriend. When I was 10 years old he started abusing me. Came into my room every other night to rape me than he'd go back to bed with my mom and leave me there to feel used, disgusted and dirty. I couldn't take it anymore. One night when he decided not to come to my room (I was about 12 years old) I decided this is the night I was going to kill him. I had a knife under my bed. I picked up and walked into his room. I stood over him, knife in the air, and was ready to stab him. I thought about it too long and I got caught. He woke up seeing me stand there. He picked me up put his hand over my mouth and took me to my room. That night was really bad. I couldn't walk for a couple of days after that. When I turned 13 I finally ran away. Went to go live with my aunt. I had a backpack with a few clothes and had to walk on a freeway to get to where I was going. I knew if I didn't leave this man was going to kill me. A few months after I left I did find out that I was pregnant but I did have a miscarriage which was probably due to all the stress and abuse I went through.

I finally made up my mind that I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't live being someone's toy to come and play, and hurt and destroy every time they felt like it. You can do this. You can overcome this. If I was able to do it at the age of 13 I know you can t. Please don't give up. You've made it this far. You can't give up now. I have faith in you. To end your life would mean you've went through all of this for nothing and give him the satisfaction. The point to all this is to beat him. There is still something to live for. I believe in you.

 

[Stanley Shi-Yume]

You can do it.
Your life has value. Yes, death has value, but it is not time for you to have death. It is time for you to have life.

The fact that you've made this post shows that you are capable. You've made this connection with us. You're not wrong. You are so important.

 

[BlueOrange]

So, practicalities:
- are you currently under threat of violence? If so, call the police.
- do you need to relocate? If so, make plans.
-do you have a social worker? If not, contact the relevant agency in your part of the world
- do you have a therapist? If not, find one (social worker and/or local doctor can help here)
- put the knife in the kitchen drawer and stop looking at it

Physical safety comes first. After sorting out physical safety, it becomes possible to deal with feelings.