Relationship I Initiated Space For My Ptsd Boyfriend Need Advice And Just Where To Go For The Future

[emz315]

They're different for everybody based on their own particular traumas... that's what makes it so hard to avoid them. It can be a smell, a sound, a sight, a person, sudden movement, or something random. You just don't know unless they tell you, or until they get triggered. The most random things sometimes... I threw a cardboard box away "wrong" once and my vet was triggered. The way it was laying reminded him of the trash covering an IED. Not my fault, not his... just happened.

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Thankyou sweetpea,

That was very helpful to me and i really appreciate it.

This time is good for me also its making me think if im ready to go further in this relationship and if im strong enough. Im hoping i can just get a sign and just know where the future will go.

I do love him and i really hope that we can move forward.

Just say it does move forward and we are together for the future what about marriage and children? Is that something ptsd sufferers can cope with?

 

[emz315]

Chill is a very good word here. Key in any relationship I have. I feel horrible for the person I am with if I happen to react to something which changes plans. That converts into 'why do you even hang out with me?' I don't feel like a bad person, just a person that is too much trouble for others to be around. So I swing between, 'okay this person can deal with me' to my projecting my own self loathing of my skewed reactions onto the other person.
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Thankyou for your support also shimmerz it really helps understanding from a ptsd sufferer.

Do you think i should wait for him to call me or is it okay for me to call him if i havent heard back on sunday? My friends keep saying i should just wait for him to call me. But i know he wouldnt mind me calling him after the 8 days. I just wish i could predict the future sometimes and that all will be okay. It all seemed okay when we parted the other day and he texted me when he got home say night.

 

[shimmerz]

I know deep down he wants me in his life and that he does love me

As long as you feel this is true

In order to keep the chill, understand that you are the chill. If 8 days was said, then make sure that contact happens in 8 days. He may not be able to reach out due to 'whatever random thing', so take the humiliation away from him and initiate. I can only say what helped me. I am not him so you will need to filter that based on what you know. This isn't like a normal relationship. Asking 'normal' people what to do will not help. :hug:

Thanks for caring about one of our own.
Bright Blessings,
Shimmerz

 

[emz315]

Thank you :)

I know deep down its true because i see it when his having his better days. But his very much an action speaks more than words type of guy. For example i was craving soda water one night so he got up and went to the service station just to get me soda water ( thats very important to me ;)) He has said to me he gets so amgry with himself when he cant express what his feeling. Usually when his feeling numb or emotionally detached.

I will contact him because he knows me. But if he beats me to it even better

i will always care see below something i wrote that means so much me over the last year

" no one will ever fully understand the impact of any situation. All you can do is be the best person you can be. And buddy with that the type of strength to move forward in any battle. Although you can not change anything just being there can be the biggest gift in this lifetime.....understanding, reassurance, independence, strength and patience. That was the biggest gift given to me at such a young age and i will pour my gift onto others as that is who i am and who i always will be.

:)

 

[emz315]

I have one thing that keeps playing on my mind though @shimmerz..... what if he is feeling so much better that im not around at the moment that he may just end it when it comes around to sunday.... this just keeps rolling around in my head... any light on this thought about what ptsd sufferers experience when actually told to go have some space... could he actually make the decision in that time to forget me or just end it?

 

[shimmerz]

@emz315 , I suppose he may be thinking the exact same thing; what if you feel better without him> That is, imho, a life random card as opposed to a PTSD random card. None of us have a crystal ball. I say just live one day at a time. If that is too much and overwhelms, live one moment at a time.

I am sorry, I don't recall who decided on this break. Could you remind me?

 

[Deleted member 20280]

He likes to lie back to back. it feels safe. Someone literally "has your back".

The only way I can think of expanding this is to say imagine a clock with the hands pointing to twelve o'clock all the time, I would be forward facing aware of dangers ahead of me. Knowing that I had a buddy behind me covering my '6' or my back was a comfort. That buddy would be facing away from me in the field, 'back to back' him covering my back or '6 o'clock', and me covering his in return. Hence the need to sleep back to back as we would have when deployed, all side of the clock covered, no surprises

They're different for everybody based on their own particular traumas... that's what makes it so hard to avoid them. It can be a smell, a sound, a sight, a person, sudden movement, or something random. You just don't know unless they tell you, or until they get triggered.

Here @Sweetpea76 could not have put it better. With Military sufferers it literally can be anything that potentially can trigger us. A smell, remember that there are strong smells in everyday life, personally, the smell of acetone or freshly cut grass send me spiraling into unfathomable danger, these are the aromas of potential chemical warfare attacks, imagine the panic when all of a sudden these smells attributed to this kind of military attack appear, In military life we are conditioned to simply "react" when faced with this kind of danger. That instant reaction in civilian life for us can be dramatic because our trauma history will send us straight back to that experience during military service.

A sound, imagine spending 6-12 months in a war zone with mortar shells exploding around you 24/7. Again for me, fireworks!. Unless I have planned to go to a display, have taken my "Buddy" to watch my '6', I am going to panic, and when I say panic, for me it literally is just that, all out got to escape panic.

It is not that we do not love our spouses/partners. For us it is about perception of impending danger, the need to protect them, if we are safe then they are safe, if we are in mortal danger (Which soldiers are every moment of the day when deployed) they our loved ones are too.

I wish I could offer more in the way of comfort @emz315.

I can offer a :hug: from a Vet though if you accept it

Laurie

 

[Sweetpea76]

Just say it does move forward and we are together for the future what about marriage and children? Is that something ptsd sufferers can cope with?

Sure... there are supporters on here that have been with their sufferers for years and who have children. It is possible to have a healthy relationship when one of the partners has PTSD. It just takes a lot of hard work, education, and adaptation.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sure... there are supporters on here that have been with their sufferers for years and who have children. It is possible to have a healthy relationship when one of the partners has PTSD. It just takes a lot of hard work, education, and adaptation.

I will add as an afterthought, this can only happen if the sufferer has found ways to cope with their PTSD, and is healthy enough for a relationship. Unmanaged PTSD makes any kind of relationship difficult.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Unmanaged PTSD makes any kind of relationship difficult.

My wife and I were Married for 19 years and over that period I tried to commit Suicide more than once, I had episodes of dissociation where I would become aggressive in my manner (I never struck or lashed out at anyone, especially her or any of our six children) but that said, the children seeing me smash walls or punch through doors with my bare hands. my wife and I shouting at each other because I had yet again gone out and got so drunk I would not be able to remember where, let alone when it was in reality.

My PTSD was un-diagnosed and un-managed for over 24 years until I was finally diagnosed in 2013 which led to our total marital breakdown and divorce. In hindsight I can see why she feels this way and I can totally understand her rational in divorcing me.

Laurie

 

[Sighs]

Hoo boy! the kids issue.... sigh!

My father had combat PTSD from a war before I was born. He was conscripted so had no choice in fighting. It was a civil war and his side lost. If your side loses then you get no medals, no memorials and there is no VA Dept to provide counselling. In fact, you then become a displaced person to add to your trauma. So my father and my uncles self medicated with alcohol. For about 30 years. Growing up in my childhood home was very chaotic. I moved out when I was 17 and never went back.

My partner has combat PTSD. He was a career soldier. I live with him in one state. My 17 year old daughter from a previous marriage lives in another state. My vet has 3 adult children. They have a difficult relationship as he was absent for much of their childhoods and they do not really understand his PTSD.

Is a happy family life impossible with someone who has PTSD? No, but it is very very difficult. Having a baby puts incredible stress on even the most healthy relationship. Your sufferer may not be well enough to entertain the idea of having children for many years. He may never be well enough. You have to figure out whether that is a deal breaker for you.

PS - @Santa_Laurie - I don't know how old your children are now but remember that they are adults a lot longer than they were children - I was very frightened of my dad growing up but we have been very close at various times of my adult life. Hugs!

 

[emz315]

@shimmerz I am sorry, I don't recall who decided on this break. Could you remind me?[/QUOTE]

Something just clicked in my head he randomly asked me last week where i see myself in 5 years.

I initiated the "mind camp" because i coud see he was in emotional pain he had the agreed and said he did need it. and then would see eachother in 8 days or so