I Just Don't Fit In, Not Even Here

[Nicolette]

PS....don't forget self esteem plays a big part in it all too.....I worry when my friends don't contact me and think I've done something wrong but sometimes they are just busy like me. It is hard to change thinking patterns and I know mine is to see re-assurance as I learned to expect the worst as that way things could always get better and I was told I was wrong and bad so many times that it became an ingrained thought. How could someone like me? When I used to think like that the friends I usually had were ones who fed off me as in I would do anything for them but nothing was reciprocated. I then thought I had to do more to get them to like me enough to give a little back as that sums up my childhood.

I know I am not getting the words out right but I think with PTSD it is common to see the glass half empty thinking you are the problem when having a tough time. Which means that you think you don't fit yet how many people are members here? You must fit as we all come for a common purpose and I am sure you if go back and check your profiles you all have friends.

Sending out a hug of support to those who need it as we do like you and being different is pretty cool with me.

 

[anni]

'I often did not reply to the posts that helped me the most'- so apt! I've logged off here in tears-GOOD ones, unable to reply to someone just plain being kind. It feels so good, and unexpected ( even though you can expect it here, it's not the case in the traumas and people involved in them) you're rather at a loss for words.
I heard that one, Sammy!

 

[Iam]

Posted by Nicolette

How could someone like me? When I used to think like that the friends I usually had were ones who fed off me as in I would do anything for them but nothing was reciprocated. I then thought I had to do more to get them to like me enough to give a little back as that sums up my childhood.

Strange you should post this Nicolette. My husband is always saying that I give in my relationships so much more than I receive (to be honest that has been true with him as well.) Over the last few years I have developed friendships that are mutually giving and supportive. Oh how hard it is for me to receive though. It sends up red flags like crazy simply because I learned that if you receive....you are going to have to pay a very high price and that payment is rarely worth what was given.

Yes, much of it has to do with self esteem. What I find so strange is that I had had a really self esteem boosting day. Why then would I crash like that? Almost a self sabatoging type of an attitude. Maybe I didn't believe I deserved the confidence that person had in me?
Posted by Nicolette

I have seen both you and Jade hit bottom a couple of times and while doing my job as an Administrator have felt terrible for you.... What do you say to someone who has hit that far down? In fear of saying the wrong thing I have found it best to say nothing. If you remember Iam when you weren't doing too well I posted on your wall and you were off colour for a couple of days and then came back and said thank you. Has anything changed since then, no, other than me being on the forum less so I accept you as you are with your illness and having some concept of the rollercoaster ride.

Yes, that is true. I stayed off the forum for several days other than to cruise and read I didn't respond to anyone's posts, including yours. When I evened out I was able to accept what you shared and to say "Thank you". One thing I LOVE about you Nicolette....you don't mince words. It's not always easy to accept and occassiobally I don't agree, but I do always know where you stand and I appreciate the honesty. It is very helpful once I am willing to be receptive.

Sometimes, like you stated Anni, what I read hits so hard that I can't respond. That is no different than others here. Sometimes what I post isn't relevant. I should not place my value on whether people respond to me or not. Somehow I need to be able to find my own self worth, just for me, not base on what anyone else thinks.

I do so hate this rollercoaster. The dips are so damned low and scary and.....lonely.

 

[Nishkaa]

Posted by Nicolette

I should not place my value on whether people respond to me or not. Somehow I need to be able to find my own self worth, just for me, not base on what anyone else thinks.

I do so hate this rollercoaster. The dips are so damned low and scary and.....lonely.

Hi Iam,

This is a really positive and affirming statement, about affirming one's self worth to oneself, even in the face of any adversity.

I feel it too though. I've felt rejected and also abandoned post-trauma and so it's something that can be triggered in me, especially when I am feeling lonely, tired, weathered :( It's also that I've felt a lot of shame not only about my traumas, but also for the state of having this crazy PTSD stuff and the struggling contain it it, to try keep strong around others in my 3D life (life outside our wonderful, safe forum here ;-) ).

I think I felt really hit by it as well, and I think I did express that in that last post I started, because I was feeling like a "ghost", not sure if I exist, sort of feeling and almost eerie, like really feeling invisible that it was making me question my reality a bit. Sometimes, I don't have the strength to find that and assert that to myself, so I do need to reach out and I'm grateful others heard me here, because I really really needed that and it helped me so much.

I've been the kind of person who repeatedly denies my own needs and I'm trying to stop that, but at the same time, I'm trying to pursue that in safe ways. Here it is safe. I feel protective of my brother, since he has started work after a long hiatus, so much of my time is in supporting him as he discusses the trials and errors of work-- it's not so much of a self-sacrifice on my part though, as I really do enjoy listening to him and his strengths are truly inspiring and I'm fascinated with it. I just reach out less about my own stuff and that's okay. I'm containing it to here, on this forum, just while I've been working through some tougher stuff (well it feels that way for me :) ).

I also noticed I posted some postive stuff and didn't get responses, but then I thought, well that's okay actually, because I was feeling genuinely good and didn't really need others to back me on that.

The other reason I feel compelled to report some postive things is because it's important for me to not feel like a victim 24/7, so I do report positive things, but primarily for my own ability to assert things, less about seeking support.

We definitely don't want to develop a habit of only being able to relate to this world via PTSD, because like you said and others have reflected, we are a lot more as human beings, than this PTSD.

Another thing that happens with me here, is I am self-focussed on my own healing, it's true. I tend to respond to the posts that are directly to do with similar problems I am actively trying to work out for myself. Like your "fight and freeze" post-- that was totally awesome and super helpful you brought that up, and there was so much learning and reflecting going on there, lots of healing.

And things depend on my current energy levels. Like if I'm really depressed it's not good for me to go to the suicide ideation section in those times to help support others if I'm worried about becoming totally unravelled my self. If I'm stronger, in a place of more strength at those moments, then yes, I can enjoy being a bit postive, sharing some hope that I feel and that I've discovered.

I still have to put my own healing as #1, because reality, I'm not being that backed in my world outside of the forum; I'm the only one who can truly pull myself out of my mess, and with lots of focus and discipline, I hope to accomplish this. My plate is full on trying to troubleshoot current recovery issues. Sometimes I have extra to give from and to enjoy, other times I feel really loaded up with some stuff I'm anxious to address and hopefully tackle small pieces of the trouble I'm trying to sort through.

I really do enjoy what you write. I think you are very thoughtful, reflective, self-aware, courageous and lots and lots of insight, which I think I'm not the only one who has benefited from it.

Send you some ((Hugs)), if those are safe for you and you'd like some.

I think you are awesome!

~Nishkaa

 

[Jade-]

To be honest Iam, I'm really surprised you started this thread at all. You do fit in, and you usually know that, you must have just been having an off day when you started it.

I, however, have said the exact same thing myself numerous times. The only difference is, for me it's true and you know it as well as I do. I have always been different and I always will be. I couldn't conform even if I knew how to. That has always set me apart from others. It's caused many problems in my life. Some people tell me they admire the way I am, but most others get offended, insulted or just shy away from me. It just kind of sucks that even in a place like this, I still don't seem to fit.

You have a way of making people feel better, a way of making them feel welcome, a way with becomig fast friends, just by being who you are. You don't even have to work at it. You should count your blessings.

 

[Iam]

Jade, You fit in no less than I do...so I guess we both fit in. From the posts apparently PTSD makes us all feel this way. I do seem to bounce back quickly most of the time. Maybe it's all the CBT I had 9 years ago. Most of the time though....it is the front I put up. Suicide is never far from my thoughts, I always feel different and I rarely let others see it.

I told my new psych how I was feeling at our first session last week. She said that maybe we should consider hospitalization. Not even my closest friends or husband know this. Why? Cause I don't want to worry them & they have enough on their own plates. To admit it is to admit how screwed up I really am and I DON'T want to do that....Denial is bliss for me.

Nishkaa, Thank you for your kind words they really do mean a lot and give me comfort.

I also noticed I posted some postive stuff and didn't get responses, but then I thought, well that's okay actually, because I was feeling genuinely good and didn't really need others to back me on that.

I think you are right.....posting the good stuff is affirmation in itself, a way of fighting back.

I still have to put my own healing as #1, because reality, I'm not being that backed in my world outside of the forum; I'm the only one who can truly pull myself out of my mess, and with lots of focus and discipline, I hope to accomplish this. My plate is full on trying to troubleshoot current recovery issues. Sometimes I have extra to give from and to enjoy, other times I feel really loaded up with some stuff I'm anxious to address and hopefully tackle small pieces of the trouble I'm trying to sort through.

Nishkaa, I have to say that I do have support outside of the forum and I am very blessed by that. Even so.....I still have to put my own healing as #1. We all do because ultimately, we are the only ones who can pull ourselves out of the pit and take care of ourselves. I can be in a room full of people or sitting next to my husband and still feel alone. Why? Because I am the only one who understands the pain I am in, I am the only one who understands the real me and that has to be ok. I understand that we need to form attachments and let others close, that is actually part of our healing. Still, we are autonomous and responsible for taking care of ourselves first.

It is so hard for me...I kept the front up helping others as a way to escape from my own pain. I feel so guilty just taking care of me when I am struggling with myself. Especially when I know there is someone who needs my help right now. I am learning, but it is hard to do. If I do this now, maybe someday in the future I will be well enough to help others. I so want that to be true ;o)

 

[Sammy]

Crud! I just managed to delete a post! It is catching!!

I have learned I am responsible for me and my well-being. The only way I can feel good is if I face it head-on. That is what works for me. That is not to say there aren't days when I just can't. So, I rest and gather strength for the next battle with this thing called PTSD. Only I can face my trauma in my own way. Yes, I need help doing it and I cannot begin to say how much support means. I can't do it alone. The hard part was accepting there was a problem in the first place. (I am a stubborn, slow learner, I guess). Some days I don't have the strength or the courage. But, more days than not, I prefer to try and slay the dragons and windmills in my mind (as a dear friend said to me the other day). They sometimes win but, it is still my battle and in the end, I win. If I just keep fighting hard enough. Yes, I hate this battle. But, find I am better suited fighting the battle than being angry I have to fight it at all. Put the energy toward figuring it out. Again, just my way of "doing business." I am a face a problem head on kind of person. WIth pretty much everything (after I have procrastinated as long as possible, of course...)

Iam, keep slaying your dragons and windmills. You can do it! You just have to keep fighting for you! You are so worth it!

 

[James B.]

But, find I am better suited fighting the battle than being angry I have to fight it at all. Put the energy toward figuring it out.

Thanks Sammy, I agree.

 

[Iam]

Crud! I just managed to delete a post! It is catching!!

LOL...Sorry Sammy.....that is just so frustratingly funny!

Again, just my way of "doing business." I am a face a problem head on kind of person. WIth pretty much everything (after I have procrastinated as long as possible, of course...)

You sound so very much like me. I am definitely a bit it head on kind of person as well. Though I still have a hard time accepting this rotten dx. I think we are all fighters and survivors here.....we wouldn't still be alive if we weren't.

I am a christian, not one for astrology, but we are the same age. What month are you born in? Me...I'm a July baby.

 

[Sammy]

I am December (also Christian - although some of my family thinks I am headed straight "south."). In fact, I barely made it into 1958 and was called a "tax deduction" for most of my childhood. Yeah, that did a lot for my self-esteem. NOT!

I love the "You Know You Have PTSD When..." thread. It makes me laugh out loud! I could add another one... You know you have PTSD when you keep accidentally deleting posts and having to rewrite them!

Keep fighting! Life is worth it!

 

[Nora]

If I might also offer some words of reassurance, Iam... today has been a rough day, and I have been reading posts for the last two hours for comfort and support. One made me cry. Every now and then when I read stuff that greatly affects me, I remember to hit the 'thanks' button. But often I am trying to absorb as much as I can, and so just keep reading and don't respond.

A lot of times, the stuff that affects me the most I will not respond to, because I can't even think of what to say. Sometimes, it's triggering and so I cannot respond and must walk away for a bit and take some deep breaths to reground myself. Or, I am just generally in a huge amount of need (as right now) and can't imagine providing support or reaching out when I'm so desperately trying to hang on to my own sanity. Before I became a member, I read posts on here quite frequently and took so much away from them. There really is something to that view count point that Nicolette brought up, I think! A lot of people must surf in here and get comfort and support however briefly they look around here. Have you ever read the "Visitor Search Phrases" at the bottom of the page on a thread? Sometimes they are just heartbreaking and poignant.

I have many fears around rejection by groups in general, and even in my small number of posts I have also felt what you felt on this forum, Iam. And then beat myself up for feeling that way, and isolated even more. It's just like my parents are right here with me, rolling their eyes and shaking their heads and telling me what a drama queen I am. I feel like I don't have a right to ask for attention when I need help, because it's just a huge inconvenience and energy drain on everyone. So when I could use a helping hand the most, I retreat the hardest into my own protective shell. Paradoxically, I've found that when I acknowledge to myself that I need support/attention/validation and then seek it out directly (as opposed to making passive aggressive comments, veiled cries for help, denying and repressing them, etc etc), I have gotten not only the best support from people but also FEEL more supported than when I passively elicit supportive behaviors from them. Only then is that need fulfilled. My mental image with my inability to ask for help has been to slash my face with a piece of broken glass, go over to a person, and lean over and bleed onto their lap and tap my foot and clear my throat, "AHEM!" expectantly waiting for them to notice me and make the move to offer support. (And in a super-dark humor kind of way, I find this an amusing and absurd image.) I have no actual desire to self-harm, but this imagery just goes to show how very deep my fears of asking for help and rejection can be.

While yes, I agree with some of the general sentiment expressed here that feeling accepted and 'part of something' is in your own head and under your control, easier said than done. For those who were neglected or abused in childhood, I recommend checking out the psychology literature on attachment. The relationship we have as young children to our caregivers - which can be classified as secure, anxious-avoidant, anxious-ambivalent, or disorganized - is a strong predictor of our adult relationship qualities. While I'm taking responsibility for my healing, I also recognize that I can't just pull healthy emotional sentiments out of my you-know-what if I haven't experienced them before. Human beings are primarily social creatures. If as a child and an adult you never experience acceptance, how likely is it you could ever be accepting of yourself, or honestly not care about ever being accepted? Trust, love and intimacy are like learning a language. Yes, you can buy some programs on CD and teach yourself a language in your own home, but really, isn't it easier to go out there, take a class, get a tutor, have one on one conversations, and travel to where other people speak this language? You'll probably master it a lot better if you speak it with others.

So in the spirit of mindfulness, I'd say that it's great that you recognized that you had this feeling of not belonging here, and then the courage to share that vulnerability with others. It's not wrong or bad or irrational to feel that way, though sometimes it can be a bit inconvenient. Many people here privately share your fears too. I want to have a voice after having suffered for so long... that's probably why for the first two years I talked my therapist's ears off in session :) She told me that I had needed someone to bear witness to my story. And without that validation, I don't think I could have learned how to accept and forgive myself. Whether from a therapist or a loved one, it is SO helpful to have that behavior modeled for you. And honestly, even if everyone posted replies to everything you wrote, I bet it would just take one post that went unanswered on a rough day to trigger those feelings of rejection again. Our brains are wired so that when we're in a mood, we'll best remember things that also evoked that mood. An availability heuristic. The work isn't ending the feelings of not fitting in (that's invalidating, and probably more repression than anything else) but just figuring out how to cope with that feeling and ride the wave.

I can share one way I cope with feeling rejected and alone. In these moments, I am overcome with so much need, that it feels overwhelming and of course snowballs from there. I never learned how to self-soothe because no one ever soothed me, and now I'm a bit old to be held and rocked the way I wish I had been as a child. So when I can't muster the courage to reach out directly to others, my adult version is to play songs that offer that same ideal parent unconditional love and support. "You've got a friend" James Taylor, "Trouble Me" 10,000 Maniacs, "True Colors" Cyndi Lauper, "Bridge over troubled water" Simon & Garfunkel, and "Lean on Me" Bill Withers do it for me. To try to just feel those unhappy feelings, "Reflection" from Mulan, "Help!" the Beatles, "Save Me" Aimee Mann do the trick. And to remind myself that feelings are fleeting, U2's impassioned "Stuck in a moment you can't get out of" live at slane castle does wonders too (and makes me cry every time!!). Why yes, I have these songs playing right now. And thanks for making it ok Iam for me to be vulnerable here too. And I'd like to pose both a challenge to you and an offer of support. I hope that reading all the posts that you actually fit in here (which you do!!!) quelled your fears, but as I said, I suspect that those feelings will still be triggered again as they are in all of us. So, what will you do when that arises? What will you need to feel better? If you tell me what you need, or even just that you are in need, I will try to offer the best support that I can. Just rest assured that when you feel like you don't fit in here, it's just a feeling and this too shall pass. *hugs*

-Nora

 

[Iam]

Wow Nora,

What a post! And here it's been 2 days since you posted. Point in fact, isn't it? I hope I didn't make you feel rejected by not seeing this until now.

Thank you so much, I really appreciate all of your comments. You are right, it is a feeling and feelings are temporary. Fear of rejection is at the root of it. I had a bad session with my T yesterday. It's very rare for me to come away from a session feeling so much self doubt. Again...it was fear of rejection that caused it. Funny, my T has told me for over a year that I have abandonment issues and I can actually now see that he is right. Guess we may be discussing that next Tuesday LOL! Thanks for the insight.

I love music and use it to sooth myself frequently. I also use physical exercise in the form of working outside on our property. It releases all the tension and I feel like I have been productive. Going for a trail ride is a wonderful recreation that helps as well. After doing one of these I can usually think clearly enough to start changing my thought patterns and challenging the lies of the old tapes playing in my head.

Why yes, I have these songs playing right now. And thanks for making it ok Iam for me to be vulnerable here too. And I'd like to pose both a challenge to you and an offer of support. I hope that reading all the posts that you actually fit in here (which you do!!!) quelled your fears, but as I said, I suspect that those feelings will still be triggered again as they are in all of us. So, what will you do when that arises? What will you need to feel better? If you tell me what you need, or even just that you are in need, I will try to offer the best support that I can. Just rest assured that when you feel like you don't fit in here, it's just a feeling and this too shall pass. *hugs*

I am glad that my post encouraged you to be more vulnerable here. It is hard to do, but it is safe here. Hmmm....as far as the challenge goes. Wow, I like that! I am certain that posting how I am feeling here on the forum is beneficial. It helped to know that so many of us, probably the majority of us, feel this way. Just getting it out by venting helps as well. So I will quite possibly post here again next time I get triggered, however, I agree that I need to ask for help instead of making a veiled comment. Hmmm....and I accuse my mother and good friend of being manipulative. GAH! I do tend to withdraw when I am feeling rejected, but there are always my close friends that I can do something fun with. Depending on the situation and weather, I will do something to soothe myself. I really am quite good at that and can usually pull myself out of an incorrect thinking funk fairly quickly. Not always, but in most cases anyway.

Thanks again Nora. Your post was full of good, sound advice and encouragement.