21103132319
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Well, here goes.
I'm 23 years old and I have a beautiful little girl. I am currently in a relationship but it's on the ending side... It happens the same way every time. I've never read about PTSD but the forums I relate so well too.
I was the 3 year old flower girl in my parents wedding. I remember or maybe I only remember from videos that my dad and I were inseparable! I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me all of the time.... I never knew of the cheating and emotional abuse behind the scenes of my parents marriage. My dad drinks, heavily.
As I got older I remember things like my dad trying to come in through a small window because my mom had locked him out. I was begging and pleading for my mom to let my dad in... I had woken up from the yelling. He begged and used me to hurt her telling her she was making me sad and upset. My mother stood firm due to the lipstick stains and smell of another woman's perfume. I remember him throwing something glass and it shattering around my mom and I feet.
When I was 7 years old my mom finally had enough when the neighbor from next door had walked over one Sunday morning to see my dad and another women while my mom, sister, and I were at church. That was that. He was gone and nothing was ever the same.
I would HATE going to my dads because the woman who broke up my parents marriage was now his serious girlfriend. I have been told stories of family members of my dad hiding his gf in closets when my mom came to look for him at one point. He was found alone in the dark with music playing. My mom didn't even search, I wonder what would of happened if she would have.
The weekends with my dad consisted of going to my aunts and playing with my cousins. Falling asleep and being woke up at 3 in the morning after the bars closed. I remember always making sure my younger sister 3 years younger was as close as she could be. I would make sure she had her seatbelt on and remember thinking of every way I would save her life when he lost control. I remember getting Whataburger and thinking that was the only cool thing about the drive, the food at 3-4AM... I was a child. I didn't really know how to respond or what to think.
I watched my dad have girlfriends and then go and meet up with other girlfriends. At one point he was with his girlfriend. She went out of town and we went and played at his girlfriends house. She happened to have a kid that I knew so we just all hung out while they went out and did whatever it was they did. Eventually, I started being angry at my dad. When he was there to hang out with us it was impossible getting his attention... If we were allowed to go outside it wasn't more then the tiny patch of grass in our front yard. My sister even got in trouble and yelled at for following ants and squishing them in front of the sidewalk in front of the neighbors house.
Every month I went with my dad in the summer. Just one month. Once a year. It always started out good. Eventually turned bad. My mom was use to my dad and I getting in huge fights and me coming home early. In 2004 I was with my dad and he has once again gone out. I was watching my younger sister and 2 younger cousins. My dads car pulls up. The lights go off. 5 or so minutes pass. We all are wondering where he was. They weren't in the car. We went to make sure they were okay. All of us together. We go into the backyard and I immediately realize we have just walked up on him and my stepmom (last girl my dad was got with with my parents were married)
Having sex on the ground.
I immediately tell them to all go inside and once I get in there I'm FUMING with anger. I couldn't believe my dad would do that, but my sister and cousins just saw the exact same thing. The door opened a few minutes later. He walked in. Zipper undone. A complete mess. He walked back to his bed and layed down. I sat there holding my tongue knowing that when he had been drinking his anger got incredibly intense.
My sister went to talk with him, she has always been the soft hearted one between the two of us. She came back to tell me "I asked dad... What were you doing back there picking strawberries? And he said "no, we were f*cking" keep in mind my sister was 11 at the time. I lost it. I went in there and basically asked him wtf he was thinking and she was 11...I yelled and then I walked off. The second I turned around I knew it was going to be bad. I couldn't just talk to my dad the way I just did but especially not when alcohol was involved.... I walked to the living room. I sat... He didn't come....a few minutes later he came around the corner with a look that he was about to destroy me. I knew this was the last straw of all the small fights building through the years.
I braced myself for the blow I knew was to come. Next thing I knew I was flying across the living room being kicked. I don't remember thinking of anything other then my baby sister and cousins watching, screaming, crying.... I guess he realized too... He dragged me to the back room. It wasn't fun. My step mother tried to interfere once she saw him punch my face. He pushed her off and threw her back... She didn't attempt again. At the end of it all I only had bruises, my ear was black and blue, and a few cuts... It wasn't as bad as it could of been. I've always told people I wouldn't change it.
After that my dad doesn't drink that heavily and if he does he breaks down about how he wishes he was a better dad for my sister and I. He seemed much better after I had finally forgave him and decided to try again. Then my step mom was pregnant. By the end of it I have 3 beautiful baby half sisters. They are his world. He is there for them. He plays with them.
My aunt has always hated me. I think it's because I remind her of my mother. I remember one time I was a freshman and had been invited to go to the school football game with a junior. I was so excited. She was basically the most popular girl. I went home with her after school and she did my make up and let me wear her clothes. It was a halter top and jean with heals. I went to my aunts before. She made me stand in front of everyone and took pictures of me and said she would save these to show me how stupid I looked when I was older. Besides that she made it clear that my dad was perfect with them. The girls have slideshows for their birthdays. Every moment is recorded. They do everything together when my dad isn't working. I resent this. I use to say I wouldn't change getting beat because it helped my dad... But why can't he be changed to my sister and I? It's as if we don't exist....
When I was an 8th grader I met a guy. He was the typical bad boy and I was intrigued. I was so young. I immediately took in his dangerous behavior as fun, thrilling, exciting. Before him I hadn't even made out with a guy, after a few months I lost my virginity. I was hooked. Everything I did revolved around him... He would cheat I would forgive. It happened too many times. He did drugs, I hated it.
One day he got a phone call his dad had killed himself. I remember he wasn't surprised... He acted like he wasn't hurt. I knew he was. After that when he would get upset that's all he would talk about.... Wanting to kill himself. At one point I remember he said he saw his dad in his room. He was losing it and quickly. He began telling me would kill himself when I was on the phone so I would feel guilty the rest of my life. I don't know how but at 14 I stuck by him noticing how torn up and angry he was about his dad.
The day it all happened was weird. My mom never allowed me to stay at home from school, ever. That morning I said I didn't want to go. She said okay. It was strange.... I got a call from him at around lunch he was so mad because he wanted to skip school today. He didn't because he knew I would be mad at him and wanted to see him and he said he wanted to see me. A few hours later the call and tone was different. He has been in trouble. He had told me was was drugged. I won't ever know but the school didn't believe his story and he was to go into punishment that's basically like prison. He had been there before. He didn't want to go back.
We were on a "break" I guess. You know when you are young and you break up and you really aren't apart. Just the title suffices your need of independence but nothing else changes. Yes, that type. He had talked to me for hours and hours. He was sobbing. He didn't cry, he was so brave. A strong boy who never cried... Sobbing on the other end. He asked me if I ever thought we would be together again... This was about the 737373 time he'd cheated. In my head I thought, well no shit idiot. Apparently I'm addicted to you... But I wanted him to feel like he could lose me so maybe he would appreciate me. I told him no, disregarding my real answer.
He asked me to hold on as put the phone on speaker. I sat there for a few seconds. I heard the gunshot. My stomach fell. I hung up out of reaction. I don't remember much after that except going over there and my step dad finding his body with me a foot behind yelling everyone get out of the house. At the moment everything started spinning. His mother pulled around the corner... Before anyone had a chance to call her... She knew about her sons suicidal thoughts and had forgotten there was a gun at the house from hunting the weekend before. She had taken them all out to prevent anything like this from happening. When she saw us her car sped up, I don't know.... I can only imagine that she knew at that instant... I never really have gotten to speak with her about it. I feel as if his family blames me. I know one of the popular stories was I told him to do it.... That one made me feel super awesome.
I've had several more friends come and go. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents. Or really anyone else. I don't care. I don't want to care. I notice that I would rather be completely distant then involved. Even with my daughter and in the back of my head I know it's so wrong. It's like I'm watching myself go down this path knowing it's wrong but I can't catch the sides to keep from falling.
My sister I considered my best friend. She lies to me at times and is just as crazy with her emotions as I am. We fight. My anger is uncontrollable when I really lose my temper.... I black out and will act as crazy and outrageous and am determined to tear someone apart. When I am not angry I am a true hippie. I feel like I live two separate lives. When I'm angry I always want to headbutt the person the the nose. It's crazy to say that thought out loud to complete strangers.
When I'm putting everything in the back of my head and trying not to think of my life or lack of I'm so caring about everyone. I'm against the death penalty, fighting, being mean, judging... I think about CRAZY things the people who are "close" to me are so confused by. I'm in debt to my head because I just don't care. I don't stress about that... I stress about the kids in Guatemala and the people in North Korea. I have days when I'm angry as soon as I wake up.
Relationships. They are pure bliss at first. Then they start to irritate me. I find the smallest and most ridiculous things I can to push them away. I push. I'm mean. I'm emotionless. Their touch is something I cringe under and sometimes pull away. Saying I love you doesn't happen anymore. If I don't feel it I don't want to lie to them and say it if I don't feel it. Eventually it's the same thing every time. They are bawling and miserable because of the amount they care about me and the fact that they feel like I hate them and their existence. I never understand it even myself although again... I watch it play out. Over and over I've watched it play out. I really don't care about to much anymore.
I had a thought that I should move to the mountains. I love them. They are peaceful and make me feel the closest to happy I really can anymore. I told my little girls father I would bring her to him every other weekend. He didn't even have to drive. Instantly I was a horrible and selfish mother for wanting to do that to her and according to him he wasn't going to let it happen.
I'm stuck in a black hole and it's so hard for me to keep trying to dig myself out. I'm so tired of digging.... I want to know happiness. I want to know how to love. I want to just be normal. I'm afraid that's never going to happen.... I don't know much about PTSD or if I have been through the trama that triggers such a reaction... All I know is that reading the post on here... I get them. I understand the feelings... The feelings I assumed was me going crazy.
There have been a few other minor things In my life including my near death at age 14 from streptococcus pneumonia bacterial meningitis. I don't remember much about that except not remembering anyone or having to be anyone for days. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that coma state. Just to regroup. To focus. To figure out why I feel as I do and come back as a better and worthy person.
I'm 23 years old and I have a beautiful little girl. I am currently in a relationship but it's on the ending side... It happens the same way every time. I've never read about PTSD but the forums I relate so well too.
I was the 3 year old flower girl in my parents wedding. I remember or maybe I only remember from videos that my dad and I were inseparable! I wanted to be with him and he wanted to be with me all of the time.... I never knew of the cheating and emotional abuse behind the scenes of my parents marriage. My dad drinks, heavily.
As I got older I remember things like my dad trying to come in through a small window because my mom had locked him out. I was begging and pleading for my mom to let my dad in... I had woken up from the yelling. He begged and used me to hurt her telling her she was making me sad and upset. My mother stood firm due to the lipstick stains and smell of another woman's perfume. I remember him throwing something glass and it shattering around my mom and I feet.
When I was 7 years old my mom finally had enough when the neighbor from next door had walked over one Sunday morning to see my dad and another women while my mom, sister, and I were at church. That was that. He was gone and nothing was ever the same.
I would HATE going to my dads because the woman who broke up my parents marriage was now his serious girlfriend. I have been told stories of family members of my dad hiding his gf in closets when my mom came to look for him at one point. He was found alone in the dark with music playing. My mom didn't even search, I wonder what would of happened if she would have.
The weekends with my dad consisted of going to my aunts and playing with my cousins. Falling asleep and being woke up at 3 in the morning after the bars closed. I remember always making sure my younger sister 3 years younger was as close as she could be. I would make sure she had her seatbelt on and remember thinking of every way I would save her life when he lost control. I remember getting Whataburger and thinking that was the only cool thing about the drive, the food at 3-4AM... I was a child. I didn't really know how to respond or what to think.
I watched my dad have girlfriends and then go and meet up with other girlfriends. At one point he was with his girlfriend. She went out of town and we went and played at his girlfriends house. She happened to have a kid that I knew so we just all hung out while they went out and did whatever it was they did. Eventually, I started being angry at my dad. When he was there to hang out with us it was impossible getting his attention... If we were allowed to go outside it wasn't more then the tiny patch of grass in our front yard. My sister even got in trouble and yelled at for following ants and squishing them in front of the sidewalk in front of the neighbors house.
Every month I went with my dad in the summer. Just one month. Once a year. It always started out good. Eventually turned bad. My mom was use to my dad and I getting in huge fights and me coming home early. In 2004 I was with my dad and he has once again gone out. I was watching my younger sister and 2 younger cousins. My dads car pulls up. The lights go off. 5 or so minutes pass. We all are wondering where he was. They weren't in the car. We went to make sure they were okay. All of us together. We go into the backyard and I immediately realize we have just walked up on him and my stepmom (last girl my dad was got with with my parents were married)
Having sex on the ground.
I immediately tell them to all go inside and once I get in there I'm FUMING with anger. I couldn't believe my dad would do that, but my sister and cousins just saw the exact same thing. The door opened a few minutes later. He walked in. Zipper undone. A complete mess. He walked back to his bed and layed down. I sat there holding my tongue knowing that when he had been drinking his anger got incredibly intense.
My sister went to talk with him, she has always been the soft hearted one between the two of us. She came back to tell me "I asked dad... What were you doing back there picking strawberries? And he said "no, we were f*cking" keep in mind my sister was 11 at the time. I lost it. I went in there and basically asked him wtf he was thinking and she was 11...I yelled and then I walked off. The second I turned around I knew it was going to be bad. I couldn't just talk to my dad the way I just did but especially not when alcohol was involved.... I walked to the living room. I sat... He didn't come....a few minutes later he came around the corner with a look that he was about to destroy me. I knew this was the last straw of all the small fights building through the years.
I braced myself for the blow I knew was to come. Next thing I knew I was flying across the living room being kicked. I don't remember thinking of anything other then my baby sister and cousins watching, screaming, crying.... I guess he realized too... He dragged me to the back room. It wasn't fun. My step mother tried to interfere once she saw him punch my face. He pushed her off and threw her back... She didn't attempt again. At the end of it all I only had bruises, my ear was black and blue, and a few cuts... It wasn't as bad as it could of been. I've always told people I wouldn't change it.
After that my dad doesn't drink that heavily and if he does he breaks down about how he wishes he was a better dad for my sister and I. He seemed much better after I had finally forgave him and decided to try again. Then my step mom was pregnant. By the end of it I have 3 beautiful baby half sisters. They are his world. He is there for them. He plays with them.
My aunt has always hated me. I think it's because I remind her of my mother. I remember one time I was a freshman and had been invited to go to the school football game with a junior. I was so excited. She was basically the most popular girl. I went home with her after school and she did my make up and let me wear her clothes. It was a halter top and jean with heals. I went to my aunts before. She made me stand in front of everyone and took pictures of me and said she would save these to show me how stupid I looked when I was older. Besides that she made it clear that my dad was perfect with them. The girls have slideshows for their birthdays. Every moment is recorded. They do everything together when my dad isn't working. I resent this. I use to say I wouldn't change getting beat because it helped my dad... But why can't he be changed to my sister and I? It's as if we don't exist....
When I was an 8th grader I met a guy. He was the typical bad boy and I was intrigued. I was so young. I immediately took in his dangerous behavior as fun, thrilling, exciting. Before him I hadn't even made out with a guy, after a few months I lost my virginity. I was hooked. Everything I did revolved around him... He would cheat I would forgive. It happened too many times. He did drugs, I hated it.
One day he got a phone call his dad had killed himself. I remember he wasn't surprised... He acted like he wasn't hurt. I knew he was. After that when he would get upset that's all he would talk about.... Wanting to kill himself. At one point I remember he said he saw his dad in his room. He was losing it and quickly. He began telling me would kill himself when I was on the phone so I would feel guilty the rest of my life. I don't know how but at 14 I stuck by him noticing how torn up and angry he was about his dad.
The day it all happened was weird. My mom never allowed me to stay at home from school, ever. That morning I said I didn't want to go. She said okay. It was strange.... I got a call from him at around lunch he was so mad because he wanted to skip school today. He didn't because he knew I would be mad at him and wanted to see him and he said he wanted to see me. A few hours later the call and tone was different. He has been in trouble. He had told me was was drugged. I won't ever know but the school didn't believe his story and he was to go into punishment that's basically like prison. He had been there before. He didn't want to go back.
We were on a "break" I guess. You know when you are young and you break up and you really aren't apart. Just the title suffices your need of independence but nothing else changes. Yes, that type. He had talked to me for hours and hours. He was sobbing. He didn't cry, he was so brave. A strong boy who never cried... Sobbing on the other end. He asked me if I ever thought we would be together again... This was about the 737373 time he'd cheated. In my head I thought, well no shit idiot. Apparently I'm addicted to you... But I wanted him to feel like he could lose me so maybe he would appreciate me. I told him no, disregarding my real answer.
He asked me to hold on as put the phone on speaker. I sat there for a few seconds. I heard the gunshot. My stomach fell. I hung up out of reaction. I don't remember much after that except going over there and my step dad finding his body with me a foot behind yelling everyone get out of the house. At the moment everything started spinning. His mother pulled around the corner... Before anyone had a chance to call her... She knew about her sons suicidal thoughts and had forgotten there was a gun at the house from hunting the weekend before. She had taken them all out to prevent anything like this from happening. When she saw us her car sped up, I don't know.... I can only imagine that she knew at that instant... I never really have gotten to speak with her about it. I feel as if his family blames me. I know one of the popular stories was I told him to do it.... That one made me feel super awesome.
I've had several more friends come and go. I don't have a relationship with either of my parents. Or really anyone else. I don't care. I don't want to care. I notice that I would rather be completely distant then involved. Even with my daughter and in the back of my head I know it's so wrong. It's like I'm watching myself go down this path knowing it's wrong but I can't catch the sides to keep from falling.
My sister I considered my best friend. She lies to me at times and is just as crazy with her emotions as I am. We fight. My anger is uncontrollable when I really lose my temper.... I black out and will act as crazy and outrageous and am determined to tear someone apart. When I am not angry I am a true hippie. I feel like I live two separate lives. When I'm angry I always want to headbutt the person the the nose. It's crazy to say that thought out loud to complete strangers.
When I'm putting everything in the back of my head and trying not to think of my life or lack of I'm so caring about everyone. I'm against the death penalty, fighting, being mean, judging... I think about CRAZY things the people who are "close" to me are so confused by. I'm in debt to my head because I just don't care. I don't stress about that... I stress about the kids in Guatemala and the people in North Korea. I have days when I'm angry as soon as I wake up.
Relationships. They are pure bliss at first. Then they start to irritate me. I find the smallest and most ridiculous things I can to push them away. I push. I'm mean. I'm emotionless. Their touch is something I cringe under and sometimes pull away. Saying I love you doesn't happen anymore. If I don't feel it I don't want to lie to them and say it if I don't feel it. Eventually it's the same thing every time. They are bawling and miserable because of the amount they care about me and the fact that they feel like I hate them and their existence. I never understand it even myself although again... I watch it play out. Over and over I've watched it play out. I really don't care about to much anymore.
I had a thought that I should move to the mountains. I love them. They are peaceful and make me feel the closest to happy I really can anymore. I told my little girls father I would bring her to him every other weekend. He didn't even have to drive. Instantly I was a horrible and selfish mother for wanting to do that to her and according to him he wasn't going to let it happen.
I'm stuck in a black hole and it's so hard for me to keep trying to dig myself out. I'm so tired of digging.... I want to know happiness. I want to know how to love. I want to just be normal. I'm afraid that's never going to happen.... I don't know much about PTSD or if I have been through the trama that triggers such a reaction... All I know is that reading the post on here... I get them. I understand the feelings... The feelings I assumed was me going crazy.
There have been a few other minor things In my life including my near death at age 14 from streptococcus pneumonia bacterial meningitis. I don't remember much about that except not remembering anyone or having to be anyone for days. Sometimes I wish I could go back to that coma state. Just to regroup. To focus. To figure out why I feel as I do and come back as a better and worthy person.
