Angelsmummy
New Here
I've never posted online before but after watching some threads on here I signed up and thought some of this sounds alot like me?
I'll start from the beginning, I'm a 26 year old female with two babies under the age of 2. And I have felt unhappy for as long as I can remember.
And no, i don't mean since I've had children I mean unhappy since waaayyy back.
I have literally convinced myself that my unhappiness is what has ruined my memory. Can you believe that? I feel like for the past decade or more I have spent it not absorbing moments that would have been memories sometimes missing out months (there are large gaps in my memory) because i was so unhappy in that moment that as much I was there In body I wasn't really there, you know?
For as long as I can remember I have always felt a worthlessness about my being. From being small to this moment in time as I'm typing this. Now i know I'm not worthless really because I am a damn good mum if I do say so myself. my babies only ever see the singing and dancing clowning around woman they call mama. But I've never for once second day after day shaken the feeling of worthlessness. Only recently have I been taking an good look at myself and realising that no, this is a problem and can I spend the rest of my life feeling this way?
Worthlessness is not even the worst part! It's the empty loneliness this crushing sadness that literally feels like it's weighing my heart down inside my chest. I look in the mirror and I am adamant that I am ugly and everyone else thinks it too. I will argue until the cows come home with anyone who compliments me on that one. I bury my head in the sand about pretty much everything because i am so weak as a person. Once my babies are down for the night i cry my eyes out night after night, not because of them but because I have this heavy sadness in me.
Wen i look at me I tell myself and do truly deep down believe that I am useless. Good for nothing. Ugly. Worthless. Incapable of anything. Will never be loved because who would love me? Disgusting monster of a being that will never deserve any kind of happiness in life and anything bad is just me getting what I deserve.
I'm dissociated, disengaged,stand offish, sad, tired yet my mind does not rest to allow me to sleep so I suffer terrible insomnia, I cry and to be honest I can not deal with anything past my front door. I literally feel like I'm doing to have a panic attack and feel ridiculously anxious. If it wasn't for my kids I would never ever in a million years even contemplate for a split second about getting out of my bed because in all truthfulness 98 percent of the time in the mornings the moment i open my eyes I truly do not believe I ever have the strength to face that day.
And i have felt this way ever since i was a little girl.
People just assume when they look at me that I just need a break.
But how do you tell someone you have walked around your whole life as miserable as i have and wishing you would just hurry up and die to get what's only going to be a miserable life over and done with anyway?
It makes me feel so guilty to even sit here and say this considering I have 2 healthy babies and I should be happy and I am if you know what i mean? Like im still capable of love lol but this has been me and how I've felt from maybe the age 9 up until this very moment.
Only now have i realised that this is affecting me mentally, physically and emotional every single second of the day. How can I be 26 and even feel this way? Doe I have another 26 years to come still feeling like this?
I just need some advice or maybe a suggestion?
I know this isn't "normal"?
Truth is I am an absaloute emotional wreck. My mind and body is a complete mess and it's something I've tried so long to fight against but honestly it's starting to slowly consume me.
I like to convince myself I'm just being dramatic.
Am I going crazy? Or is there something actually wrong with me?
Thank you for your time
Xxx
(Apologies if this doesn't make any sense, I literally don't know How to put it into words)
I'll start from the beginning, I'm a 26 year old female with two babies under the age of 2. And I have felt unhappy for as long as I can remember.
And no, i don't mean since I've had children I mean unhappy since waaayyy back.
I have literally convinced myself that my unhappiness is what has ruined my memory. Can you believe that? I feel like for the past decade or more I have spent it not absorbing moments that would have been memories sometimes missing out months (there are large gaps in my memory) because i was so unhappy in that moment that as much I was there In body I wasn't really there, you know?
For as long as I can remember I have always felt a worthlessness about my being. From being small to this moment in time as I'm typing this. Now i know I'm not worthless really because I am a damn good mum if I do say so myself. my babies only ever see the singing and dancing clowning around woman they call mama. But I've never for once second day after day shaken the feeling of worthlessness. Only recently have I been taking an good look at myself and realising that no, this is a problem and can I spend the rest of my life feeling this way?
Worthlessness is not even the worst part! It's the empty loneliness this crushing sadness that literally feels like it's weighing my heart down inside my chest. I look in the mirror and I am adamant that I am ugly and everyone else thinks it too. I will argue until the cows come home with anyone who compliments me on that one. I bury my head in the sand about pretty much everything because i am so weak as a person. Once my babies are down for the night i cry my eyes out night after night, not because of them but because I have this heavy sadness in me.
Wen i look at me I tell myself and do truly deep down believe that I am useless. Good for nothing. Ugly. Worthless. Incapable of anything. Will never be loved because who would love me? Disgusting monster of a being that will never deserve any kind of happiness in life and anything bad is just me getting what I deserve.
I'm dissociated, disengaged,stand offish, sad, tired yet my mind does not rest to allow me to sleep so I suffer terrible insomnia, I cry and to be honest I can not deal with anything past my front door. I literally feel like I'm doing to have a panic attack and feel ridiculously anxious. If it wasn't for my kids I would never ever in a million years even contemplate for a split second about getting out of my bed because in all truthfulness 98 percent of the time in the mornings the moment i open my eyes I truly do not believe I ever have the strength to face that day.
And i have felt this way ever since i was a little girl.
People just assume when they look at me that I just need a break.
But how do you tell someone you have walked around your whole life as miserable as i have and wishing you would just hurry up and die to get what's only going to be a miserable life over and done with anyway?
It makes me feel so guilty to even sit here and say this considering I have 2 healthy babies and I should be happy and I am if you know what i mean? Like im still capable of love lol but this has been me and how I've felt from maybe the age 9 up until this very moment.
Only now have i realised that this is affecting me mentally, physically and emotional every single second of the day. How can I be 26 and even feel this way? Doe I have another 26 years to come still feeling like this?
I just need some advice or maybe a suggestion?
I know this isn't "normal"?
Truth is I am an absaloute emotional wreck. My mind and body is a complete mess and it's something I've tried so long to fight against but honestly it's starting to slowly consume me.
I like to convince myself I'm just being dramatic.
Am I going crazy? Or is there something actually wrong with me?
Thank you for your time
Xxx
(Apologies if this doesn't make any sense, I literally don't know How to put it into words)
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