I Just Want This Therapist Out Of My Life

[Britt.f7]

I would wait until you see her before you make any decisions. Perhaps this thing with her son has been more serious then she originally thought. I do not want to make any assumptions. Though I do think it is probably not healthy being that dependent on anyone. Of course, that could be one of the reasons you are seeing a therapist. Not that I haven't felt that panic and probably will coming up when my therapist breaks for maternity leave. Deep breath.

 

[Reds]

I hear you Cherryblossom and digger1, I too sometimes worry about the way I am dependent and attached to her. She is also aware of this and we previously discussed it, and the plan was to get me to volunteer at some home for abused children so I can meet other people and learn to build relationships. She is the only person in my life, well I have a partner but I hate to bother him about my emotional issues so I can't completely be myself with him. I do not have friends or any other relationships, I have major issues with my family.

We have not signed a contract that she will always reply to my emails or be available but it is something she keeps telling me that I should feel free to email or call her anytime I need to and if she can't take the call she will call me back. Which was working well until now, she'd also email or call to check if I am doing well. I don't know much about boundaries and how the relationship should be, maybe I should educate myself in this subject.

I just feel sad and angry, the last time she emailed me way last Sunday evening. I had been worried that she might be liking me more than just a client and I didn't mind it but you are right maybe it is not healthy. The last time I saw her she got me a gift which really made me happy. Maybe tell me more about the boundaries because I am really clueless. The only thing I read about was touch, but I honestly don't mind her touching or hugging me it makes me feel wanted and loved

 

[Reds]

Now that I am thinking about it, I am just confused and when it comes to relationships I don't know right from wrong. I don't know much about boundaries. I love her and relate to her in a way that I wish I could relate to my mom. Maybe that is the problem, she treats me like her daughter and I treat her like my mom. When I went on holiday she told me that in her family they bring each other stones from different countries and asked that I bring her a stone. That made me feel like a member of her family. I family I never had. I just love her and I don't think it is wrong, I am afraid of losing her. She is the best thing that has ever happened in my life. She has given me a mother I could only dream off. And right now I just feel abandoned and it is not the best feeling in the world. This morning I deleted her contacts, I no longer feel safe, I just wanna hide forever

 

[Reds]

I am feeling much better now, she called and said I can come see her tomorrow. Not sure if I should go, will see how I feel in the morning

 

[jd9900]

Reds, I am really glad to hear you are doing better. If I were in your position I would definitely go to your appointment, but before hand make a list (either mentally or on paper) of what my concerns are. I've "Broken up" with multiple therapists before because we just can't seem to work with each other (I always consider it a two-way street.) I always remember that so far I've always found another therapist, so in that way, even though I had to rebuild a new relationship, I was still not alone. Also, and I have made this mistake before, I get "too close" to my therapist. Sometimes I felt it was because they encouraged it, sometimes I felt it was all about me latching on.

In either case, if I did not address the issue with my therapist, it would not be resolved.

 

[digger]

I think it would be good to go to the appointment and use it as an opportunity to discuss the things you've discussed here with her so you have a clearer idea about where you both stand on the things that are causing you so much upset between sessions with her. Ask her to clarify anything you are unclear on and ask her to write it down for you maybe so that you know exactly where the lines are drawn.

I tend to have the opposite problems with my therapist in that her showing any interest in my life or suggesting that she has thought about me or my situation outside of sessions has me ready to bolt for the door and I avoid dependence like the plague to the point that I am extremely defensive a lot of the time - being on this end of the scale isn't particularly healthy either and I'm not sure I'm the best person to advise you because of it, but I do see a lot of confusion in your posts and it makes me think that maybe you need her to be much clearer with you on the 'rules' if your therapy with her is to continue.

 

[Reds]

@digger1, I have just confirmed the appointment and I will make sure we spend a few minutes discussing our relationship and a way forward. The last thing I want is for her to refer me to someone else or terminate our relationship. My biggest fear right now is losing her, I know it sounds stupid but it is true.

I will post more after the session, I just hope she is not upset with me.

 

[Reds]

I have just confirmed the appointment and I will make sure to discuss our relationship. Thank you. I will post more after the session I hope it will go well

 

[Reds]

So I went for my appointment today and things are much better. We talked about our relationship and she apologized for not being there for me the past few days as she had promised to always be available and explained why she wasn't available. I asked her about the boundaries thing and she still maintained she will be there for me at any time of day whether weekend or night. She asked me what boundaries I want to set and I couldn't think of anything. So I said none. It was a good session and I had no reason to hate her. I just expected her to be available as she had promised. Thank you all for your support, you really made me feel better yesterday.:)

 

[cherryblossom]

I'm sorry, but I really question your therapists ethics. Promising to be there for you 24/7 is just not right. She clearly can't full fill that promise (as proven these last few days), and frankly who could declare that they would be there for someone 24/7, no matter what.

She is not behaving in a professional manner. Your biggest fear is loosing her, but my biggest fear for you, is that she is hugely overstepping the boundaries of a productive therapeutic relationship. You should not be encouraged to have such dependency in one person. Especially when that person is being paid for their services. It's an emotional minefield, just waiting to explode.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm glad you are feeling better, Reds. I have to agree with @cherryblossom. A healthy therapist with professional boundaries would have firm boundaries in place for both of you.

Whenever we can get instantaneous "relief" via leaning on another human being, we aren't practicing and building our own skills for competency. It can become a vicious cycle where we learn that we can only be comforted by that one person, and that can become very debilitating. Also, if we only have one person, if something happens, we are left to face abandonment feelings once again.

When my therapist is away, it is painful. I use it as time to practice my self-soothing skills and distress tolerance. It gets easier.

My therapist is a mentor, guide, and cheerleader. But our relationship is not my chosen medication to use when I am distressed. Its not even in the top 20. It would be so easy for me to just isolate and not keep forcing myself to go out and make connections, but it is not a journey that will bring me comfort and support in the long run.Please be wary of her lack of boundaries. It could be putting you of great emotional risk should something go wrong.

 

[Reds]

Then I am not sure what I need to do or say to her, maybe I can restrain myself and not contact her in between sessions. Would that be a good start?