I Just Want To Die

[comawhite]

I have struggled with suicidal ideation and autoimmune G.I. issues. It does help to put it in terms of...

I just don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this, you know? It's horrible, being out of remission.

That is an interesting, helpful way of guiding your thoughts; thank you for sharing it with me!

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Art and music always help me a lot also. You are certainly no bother here. Sending prayers and hugs. Any chance your insurance could get someone to help you around the house for a time? I am not to familiar with the nature of Crohns, I have had a couple shorter bouts with depression as you described (barely get out of bed) but I noticed a pattern as a smoker with a tooth that had needed some work- it has become a bit of an instrument as a sentinel to observe inflammation within my body - both times a deeper state of depression occurred in me I was watching relatives pass away on top of already depressing scenarios involving housing and this inflammation was really bothersome. (Later learning it is potentially related to depression and heart issues ) I guess what I am trying to say is sometimes physical issues can create or increase depressive side effects and visa versa. Also noting changing my diet and making healthier life style choices slowly but surely reinforce better mental health as well as physical. Granted there are some things we can change - and some things we can not. Finding a secure environment also was hugely significant in finding stability. You are certainly no bother here, I am glad you have checked in. You need to stay connected to people it is important. Keep at the music.. it is more powerful than given credit, but they are now beginning to explore this more also. Be patient with yourself and start making any small changes one by one that are healthy for you. They add up and that time that passes you will see yourself getting stronger and slowly pull out of it. God bless and my prayers with you.

 

[MCCS]

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you feel similarly; no one deserves this shit. I just don't know what I'm...

All you have to do is take care of yourself for today. Focus on now and what you can do to ease what you're going through. Each day is a new day, tomorrow focus on tomorrow and so on. It's less overwhelming for me when I think about it that way at least.

 

[Tinyflame]

Likely soon it will be legal here to choose (with proof of illness, condition or disability) to not to live.

I think my purpose is to know I have a purpose. (And that would be irrespective of others thinking or saying I don't).

FWIW, I offer the suffering up for one who has a purpose/ needs.

If in the living of my life I love or am loved, give or receive, & try not to add to what is negative, add a bit of tenderness or gentleness or love when possible, enjoy moments of peace or reprieve or joy, that is or will be what I know, or will give, or have to give.

I suppose it will encompass the very very tiniest piece, maybe just a brushstroke or two, of a very very large and beautiful painting.

All you have to do is take care of yourself for today. Focus on now and what you can do to ease what you're going through. Each day is a new day, tomorrow focus on tomorrow and so on. It's less overwhelming for me when I think about it that way.

Hugs @comawhite . I hope you hang in there. And I do hope you can do some of what you enjoy or brings you happiness & peace. :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA, maybe my purpose is to show others' their worth, that is what I know. If I don't know my own or do not feel convinced, so what? We are supposed to speak of only what we know, and the truth. So I'm just saying or telling the truth, the part I know, not the part I don't (& therefore struggle with).

 

[StephenStevens]

Do not be like that. I know that it is really hard but look at positives. You have entire life in front of you. There are so many nice things in your future, so many things to look for. Even if you are feeling bad at this point, it is not necessarily permanent. It will pass and you will learn how to cope with it. Just do not stop believing and fighting!

 

[Mehak Lakhany]

I just don't feel I can do it anymore. I have no real reason to live, no will, no purpose.

I was hosp...

I want to die too. I'm not happy in the relationship with my husband. I have so many regrets. I wish I had never said yes to him and I wish every single day that I die in my sleep or god takes my soul away during my prayers. There have been so many times when I have went to the kitchen and tried to cut my wrist but the knives just don't seem to work on me. I just don't want to live anymore. I want to die.

 

[Deleted member 37085]

Do you have a therapist, someone that understands suicidal ideation and who is able to try and walk with you through where you are right now? I have felt like you do now many, many times in my life. And I certainly do understand how you feel @Mehak Lakhany! You wrote in here and you are reaching out for help here in forum and this is a good start for you, and most of us who have felt like wanting to die truly only want the pain to stop! and don't really want to leave. Do you just want the pain to stop! @Mehak?

So would you please consider contacting a therapist tomorrow (or if you already have a therapist call and tell T how you are feeling now, and reach out where you live for help as well? You are feeling this way now, and you do not have to act on your feelings this moment. No you do not. Please reach out for help even now if you need to and call EMS and tell them you are seriously considering (only if you are) harming yourself, please. (((hugs))). Jade

 

[anthony]

I'm not happy in the relationship with my husband.

How so?

I have so many regrets.

Like?

 

[CaptSpalding]

same here think about suicide daily, i battle cptsd, bpd and to much physical issues...whole body perfireal nueropithy i have scoliosis i have spine and cervical stinosis DDD along with diabetic problems

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Just from those few short paragraphs... It doesn't sound like you JUST want to die. In fact, I got a fair...

How do you do that? Or is it easier to see from outside perspective?

I've heard that sometimes if you don't know what you want, but know what you don't want, you have to write it all down and just reverse it...which is fully logical...But it the darkest times when it would be the most useful, I just can't see through what I'm feeling, I can't see straight for long enough to make a list of what I do need..

 

[Deleted member 37085]

May I please be real here in this thread with you now? I hope you will not be mad at me for sharing my tough fight to stay here and the work and willingness it has taken to try and stay in the present and not live back where all the monsters are. I was unable (only speaking for myself here and no one else!) to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and grab hold of life and hold on! NO! I needed people (professionals) who dealt/deal in trauma (specialists) for I continued for decades to cut my wrists wide open and take pills and drank copious amounts of charcoal. EMS took an ax to my front door (where I use to live) and cut it down to get to me for I almost took myself out of here that day and many times, yes and the crazy thing about this was hindsight...I didn't really want to die! No! I just wanted the freaking pain and agony to stop! Is that how you feel?

My family all in denial! Oh yes. And I am the only living proof of what really happened to me! father is dead and no one believes me except my therapist and people in my life who love me. And I am not a social butterfly and I don't have to try and be anymore for I am enough. And I am being taught in therapy that all I have to do is to try and live this moment and I will be alright.

And I make choices all day long and I choose not to live in hell back where they (perps) were and I want and will try to live here and now in the present. That I'm alive is a freaking miracle! So many, too many attempts to leave (crying) and I am a walking freaking miracle! It took 16-17 sessions of intensive E.M.D.R. sessions that fried my brain for a while and that was a hell all of its own to go through and I would not trade a second of E.M.D.R. hell for nothin'! Nothin'! Why? Because I have peace in my life and I choose peace this moment in time. I lived instead of taking myself out of here! I am the freaking living proof of what father did to me, to our properties, to our dogs (pets), to mother, to our precious piano, to himself! OMG!

And I have learned that I could not handle nor will the horrible tragic events out of my mind and I could not stop attempting to leave here without help! And family all being in denial and refusing to face their own freaking demons let alone acknowledge that I'd been horrifically sexually, physically, verbally, and extremely mentally abused for most of my formative years/life! Well, I hated therapy hated it! Yet I kept going back. Yes, I'd quit. Then end up back in the freaking hospital with stitches in my wrists and I so needed a power (professionals) greater than myself to help me! And it's just that plain for me.

I've lived in hell and I don't want to live there anymore! I know some do not have the financial resources, please! neither did I, no. I still was able to try and kept and continue pushing myself to finally seek and find over course of time the professional help I so needed and continue to need. Nothing about my life has been easy, in fact I have lived a hell on this earth, oh I have and I so understand your pain and your feeling like giving up, however I did not give up. And I pray you don't either and hope that you will seek help outside of your mind that is telling you to leave and reach down inside of yourself and see that you really are worth it and you deserve to be here and you didn't deserve what happened to you! Many don't make it and many leave and I pray (crying) you choose life as me and try to reach out and find a good therapist and start opening up and telling the secrets and what lies covered and beneath that's suffocating you and keeping you wanting to leave! Please don't be mad at me for caring! Please. Love, Jade.

I hope you will either call your therapist or find your therapist and start slowly vomiting up what/when you can how destitute you feel and start slowly s

...and start slowly trying to work through your past trauma(s) events in intensive one day at a time therapy with a good therapist. I am still working my way back and trying to live and stay in the present tense and not back with monsters from my past. :hug: Love, Jade.