I Just Want To Die

[comawhite]

I just don't feel I can do it anymore. I have no real reason to live, no will, no purpose.

I was hospitalized recently for a suicide attempt and every day I wish I had just done it. Every day is more mundane. Every day I feel more useless, hopeless. A failure.

Every day my Crohn's worsens and I can't help but think about how the pain and fear will last the rest of my life.

Every day I am re-traumatized by the past and am reabsorbed by a spiraling negative thought process.

I'm twenty years old. I doubt I'll survive a few more decades; the thought alone is daunting. I doubt I'll even last more than five years. I certainly don't want to.

I don't see myself coming out of this mindset. I just want to die.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I am so sorry. You are so young and I can not claim to know the burden of Crohns. I am sending prayers and hugs. Please hold on and have some hope. I am sure so many would be so hurt at your loss that you can not fathom. Please help me understand more, the dreams you had as a child. I can imagine at your age it is difficult to see peers who can not understand I pray you find a supportive environment. Tell me about you as a child, I am not one hundred percent sure why, but instinctually I feel you are very disillusioned. I not very long ago lost a friend to suicide. It is a horrible thing. Please just keep talking.
I know many of us have felt like dying at points, but it is also true not many of have the same struggle as you. You are a unique and beautiful star in this world, please shine and keep talking.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I am so sorry. You are so young and I can not claim to know the burden of Crohns. I am sending prayers...

tell me more about you as a child, or even the struggles you face, keep that heart beating.. tell me about dreams. Let yourself drift in your mind to a better place its ok it can be a tool to creating a better day.

 

[MCCS]

I have felt exactly how you feel. I'm 22 years old right now and struggled with being suicidal for about 10 years, along with numerous suicide attempts and self harm. Even after my last suicide attempt which I almost succeeded with and supposedly shouldn't of survived, which made me realize I wanted to live, I was still extremely depressed for 5 more years. I empathize with how you are feeling and hope one day you see the light and value in life. These song lyrics have helped me through my tough times "I'll hold you in the dark times and if things don't go my way, I'll embrace you in the sun and fall in love again today." I listened to that song on repeat during my hospital stay for my last suicide attempt and they are aimed at myself, for myself. I wish no one felt this pain, it is so unbelievable unfair. If you want to talk please let me know. You are not alone.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

I have felt exactly how you feel. I'm 22 years old right now and struggled with being suicidal for about 10...

absolute agreement - music is beautiful, healing, and can over ride thoughts.

 

[Friday]

Just from those few short paragraphs... It doesn't sound like you JUST want to die. In fact, I got a fairly long list of goals from what you wrote. It sounds to me like what you actually want is:

- Confidence in your own strength
- Reasons to live
- Strength of will
- Purpose
- Mundane is the last way you'd describe your days
- Every day you feel useful
- Having hope
- Successful at / being a success
- Pain management
- No longer afraid
- No longer retraumatized by your past
- Positive attitude / thought processes

All of those things are possible. Each one has a series of steps to get there.

 

[Deleted member 24866]

Also, you in truth must not want to die, why would you come here ? You do want to live.. so start considering why that is good and it is good to ask for help. Sending prayers and signing out for tonight ~

 

[MCCS]

A quote that hits home for my past and even sometimes current situation is this "I didn't want to die I just wanted the pain to end." I truly hope I've helped you in some way and am always here.

 

[Fadeaway]

I have struggled with suicidal ideation and autoimmune G.I. issues. It does help to put it in terms of what you really want. Because face it, if you had a magic wand to take the pain away, you wouldn't want to die anymore.

I realised a couple of months ago that I was int he habit of saying I wanted to die all the time. It was to the point that when I was feeling very suicidal, my husband no longer took me seriously. I learned to turn that around and stop saying "I want to die," instead I started saying "I want a reason to live." It helped with the suicidal ideation, but it also came with its own side effects of the fact that my focus was now on feeling depressed that I couldn't find the one thing that would give me a passion for life.

Even though changing my mindset created new issues, it is a step in the right direction. Given what you wrote, you may face the same issues, once you change the way you word things, but there is hope.

The is more and more understanding of A.I. diseases all of the time. Read a lovely article last night on the effects of preservatives on the gut mucosa leading to flair up in crohns, colitis, and diet resistant celiacs. If you haven't heard of the GAPs diet, I would look into it as well. Still, it is only a matter of time before the medical world improves the treatment options available.

 

[comawhite]

tell me more about you as a child, or even the struggles you face, keep that heart beating.. tell me ab...

I feel like I hit rock bottom. I don't know who I am anymore. I barely even moved the past few weeks - my joints ache and I spend my time on the toilet. I just laid there staring at a wall. My apartment is trashed. It's like for once I was actually too depressed to make a suicide attempt. Usually I'm in a wild manic-depressive state where I completely self-destruct.

I was in the hospital recently and truthfully I should have stayed there longer. It sounds dumb, but I'm somewhat scared of myself.

My childhood was horrible. My mom beat the shit out of me, not too often, though. Just about once or twice a year. I hate her for it, but she's behaving much more kindly now. But that's how it always starts with her: there's a steady decline in our relationship and then she just loses it and needs a punching bag. So, I've been quite paranoid lately.

I hate bothering my friends with this shit. They support me and are wonderful individuals but again, I don't want to bother anyone. I don't even want to bother my therapist sometimes. I feel bad bothering people on here. I don't know what the f*ck is wrong with me, I feel so alone and it's killing me.

I feel like I'm decaying. I'm so tired of living in the past but I don't know how to break the cycle. Time moves quickly, without abandon and I sit here wilting.

 

[comawhite]

A quote that hits home for my past and even sometimes current situation is this "I didn't want to die I jus...

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you feel similarly; no one deserves this shit. I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm living in a weird dissociative state and I'm just so tired of it all.

Music and art have helped me through it all as well.

 

[comawhite]

Just from those few short paragraphs... It doesn't sound like you JUST want to die. In fact, I got a...

Thank you, for finding some positivity. It actually helped me today, and I appreciate that.