I Keep Asking "why Me?"

[mysage]

As a kid I never understood why my uncle would touch me in private places or my dad's friends would. Me and my sisters were raised by a single dad, which gave predators easy access I guess. As we got older we were considered the "easy" girls. Never understood why being the youngest of four girls and three brothers. I just knew I didn't wasn't "easy". I was extremely sassy didn't take crap kind of person. I know now that was my defense mechanism. I was a statistic though being sexually violated as a kid. I had children very young and didn't further my education until I was in my thirties.

Living in my disillusion that once I get an education and get a good job with good benefits life will be easier for my kids. I graduated with high honors and took a few jobs to see what I liked and what industry I would fit in. Ultimately, I chose education. The pay wasn't the greatest, but there was more potential to grow and further my education; which was my ultimate goal. Within the first few weeks of starting there I became a toy for a fellow employees amusement. I figured he would grow bored with me and after I got through my evaluation period he would leave me alone and I would grow. Boy was I wrong........I put up with this for almost a year and a half before I finally reported him for it to be a he said she said. That was fine I was determined to get the hell out of the department.

Applied to get my BS and was working towards that and bidding on anything and everything to get out. Almost one year after my initial claim he was harassing another woman this time was taken to Affirmative Action. This time when I went to tell my story I told "EVERYTHING". Long story short he was allowed back. I had to work with him. I asked to be removed from the department and got no support. I eventually resigned. Now every time I go for interviews in this area I feel like I am black listed. It has been over two years since I resigned and I can't get a job. I have horrible anxiety. Most days I can't get out of bed. The total rejection and humiliation that I got for telling my story of what that monster did to me. He used me as a sex toy in the office. It was the most degrading, humiliating, demoralizing I have ever felt in my life. I don't understand "Why did he single me out?" He ruined everything I worked for. My older children have no insurance and lost the education discount. I lost the retirement. I essentially lost my life because I was a sick game..................

 

[JustBe]

Good work starting your trauma diary mysage. I am sorry for your pain and struggles. Getting it out here is a good first step in your journey to heal.

 

[TLight]

I went through a ton of sexual harrassment on the job. People don't understand how destructive it really is. It is also a part of our 'revictimization' pattern. In a sense we are stamped with a 'f*ck with me sign' on our bodies, or our energy. Not our fault, but we tend to tolerate the intolerably until it's done incredable damage.

I know, been through it a bunch. Lost my health, career, everything like you. You go through a lot of anger and the stress you are in must be unbearable. It is hard to move on from this creep, and especially the lack of support. I'm so sorry.

 

[Loner]

I'm not blaming you, but he chose you because you would put up with him. He was right, you did put up with him. Don't beat yourself up about it, but to some extent at least, it happened because you let it happen. I'm sorry, that sounds mean, but I can't think of how else to put it. I'm sorry you went through that.

 

[mysage]

It wasn't that I let it happen. He had been given a lot of power in the department. I had seen text messages that he had sent to other women in the department. I was the unfortunate one that was of lower rank than the rest of the women. I also knew somehow if I said anything that my supervisor would protect him. Which she ultimately did. When I reported him to her boss she said you are going to ruin his reputation. She ultimately is still doing it to me. I recently filed a grievance with the EEOC to have them investigate. He also did things in front of others like spit spitballs down a woman's shirt in front of all the staff and both of our managers. Nothing was said. It was like we were just supposed to overlook his inappropriate behavior. It was told to me after I left the department that what happened to me was a cover up and that I was thrown under a freight train. My reputation is still tarnished all the hard work that I had done to get my degree in my field and there really is only a select few places in the area that I can work. Like I stated it is a very small community and people talk and well obviously if I am out of the picture then I guess my voice can't be heard.

 

[mysage]

What gets me is when I was a kid and stood up for myself I would get into trouble because adults were right. I felt like no one had my back or I remember one time my dad made me go tell the parents of the kids who were bullying me. So when I finally stood up the bully at work it was and still is me who has to be put in my place. It was NOT me that was inappropriate. Why should my family suffer because one person had sick perverse ideas that was bored in his job? I carried the healthcare for my family. My daughter is in school in another state and has to pay a pretty substantial premium for health care to attend. People don't understand it isn't the act that does the damage. It is the aftermath. The idol gossip, tarnished reputation for the victims, the flashbacks, the what ifs, the fear, the anxiety, the loss of self esteem, the loss of friends, and a shattered life.

 

[JustBe]

((((mysage))) :(

 

[mysage]

Loner. He chose me because for six months I couldn't say anything or I wouldn't get in. I was on probation and the last person that turned him in went to my supervisor and she did nothing to stop his behavior. He knew he had it made. My supervisor was mad because I told her secret to her boss and ultimately to the HR which she turned it around as a he said she said thing. A year later when it finally made it outside of our area to Affirmative Action they were so mad, but couldn't do anything. The thing that bothers me is the most now is that I did nothing wrong but I am the one that applies and gets countless rejections. People know who I am and I have no clue who they are all because of rumors and gossip. This should have been handle in a professional manner instead I am treated as the problem when all I wanted to do was go to work to give my kids a better life.

 

[MomOfTwo]

It was not your fault. He was a person that was in authority and for that reason in itself it would make it even more difficult for you to do something. It is a boys club in many organizations and many men in large corporations that are given a lot of power think that they can have 'anything' they want and nobody stops them or cares.

Can you go to Human Rights? It is a violation and your supervisor could be held accountable as well. She has a duty to ensure safe working conditions for you. As well, you may want to seek a human rights lawyer because it sounds to me that you would have a good case. When it comes to a he said he said case it sounds like he has a bit of a reputation.

I went through the same thing and this creep was the Human Resources Manager. How do you challenge that? My supevisor told me I would be fired if I went forward. It was a boys club and a large corporation with a lot of money. He harassed several women and they still let him work. In the end he quit because of my going forward and documenting everything in writing. That is what they told me in a letter but they told my lawyer he was fired.

I feel like I was a sacrificial lamb because I did the company good getting rid of this creep but I have suffered financially, mentally and emotionally. If I had to do it again I would have not said anything.

When I have told people what happened which are very few people they cannot believe that 'these things' still happen today. Until you change the Corporate Boys Club mentality it will never change. I think there are some good organizations out there but I have heard so many stories from so many people that resonate my experience.

I am sorry you had to deal with this stuff. It is a lonely place to be. The loss is tremendous.

 

[mysage]

MomOfTwo,
I recently got enough courage to file with both the EEOC and the PHRC which is the equivalent of the Human Rights.

You really are right in saying it is a lonely place. I was the first one to push the issue. For me I want real change not just surface change.

As for telling people I have only told two people the whole story. People are shocked enough by the touching and verbal abuse still going on.

Me I am still trying to make sense of the mess and how I am the one that has no job and am the social outcast. I didn't touch him or say vulgar things to him.

Thank you for sharing your story it helps to know I am not alone.

mysage

 

[MomOfTwo]

So proud of you. I hope they do something about this creep and make ammends as far as your career goes. I am sure there are other women that want this man gone and now that you have initiated hopefully a throrough investigation will be done the other women will come forward. Your supervisor should be reprimanded.