Dom Violence I Left

[Deleted member 29920]

Thank you all for your advice and support, I really appreciate it.

Women's outreach have said I can give my ex a deadline to collect the possessions and if not done by that date, I'm allowed to dump them.

 

[ladee]

CJ. There are ways around dumping her stuff.
Can you pack it all Up, listing everything that goes into a box...and then find someone to take it to a neutral location..far away from you..and have her notified that she has x amount of time to retrieve her belongings? Only thing you have to do is pack it Up.
This will also let her know others are involved in your safety.
Its sort of "first things first".
You can't move forward with this part hanging over your head.
If she doesn't pick her things up...that is on her.
Has she made any effort at contact?
And just because she is pysically gone does not mean she isn't in every pore of your being.
It takes a long long time to relearn your value and to stop believing the lies.
And you may have to move somewhere that would not be your first choice..in order to untangle all of this.
First and foremost is your safety.

This is not much solace..but you know if we could all be there , the wagons would be circled around you. There's no way she could penetrate that circle of love for you. And considering how many of us take issue with any kind of abuse..you would be safe.
We are here in the capacity each of have . To love and protect you best we can under the circumstances.
Lots of love to you!

 

[Anarchy]

CJ,
Can you change locks?
If are not confident doing it, can you ask your landlord landlady?

 

[The Albatross]

Restraining order?

 

[Anarchy]

Just thinking about the experience of one of our members who lives in Canada.(:hug::hug::hug::notworthy:)

Their Psycho ex got keys from the landlord, and proceeded to mess with stuff. Gaslit our friend to hell and back for several years.

Locks changed and strict instructions to landlord that no one else is to have access to keys.

 

[GrayOwl]

Vigilance. Backup plans. Safety nets. Escape routes. Know where your support is at all times.

It sounds like a lot, but it's not really. And it becomes empowering. Your life does change, but it is for the better in so many ways. You do need to find ways to keep your attitude positive and practice positive mental exercises to keep yourself safe and growing.

You will find freedom and peace of mind if you continue, and other parts of your life may improve as well. Your ex is a bully. Their principal weapon is fear. You fight that by standing your ground which you have now done. If he tests that, rely on your support mechanisms. Keep us informed. I see so much help, wisdom, and support here.

Maybe take some self defense classes? Just something simple and basic?
Think outside the box too - you can defy his intent.
You can buy a fake camera and mount it conspicuously out of reach near your entry door?
They sell flicker lights that mimic the glow given off by televisions - I use one to divert attention to another room, or give the impression that someone is home watching TV when I am away(I actually don't even own a TV.....lol)
And no, I'm not paranoid - I've been bullied by a millionaire businessman. I've drawn my line in the sand and made it clear his bullying attempts will not defeat me. That includes a federal court order. But these things have given me not only some security and self confidence, they have given me some pleasure when I realize - they work. So, take care of yourself and never be afraid to seek help and support against a tyrant. They HAVE NO RIGHT TO MISTREAT YOU!!!
(As a side note.............I asked my support group if I can take pleasure if this horrid man meets some awful demise. To my surprise, they said yes, certainly - as long as I did not cause it. And I am comfortable with that - I don't have to be the agent of his demise (Karma will see to that) - I just have to protect myself and get on with my life. And that is happening.
There is a beautiful world out there that bullies try to keep from us - and it's a wonderful feeling to escape their grasp and stand on our own in the sunlight. You have my prayers and wishes for support.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I'm never going back there.

@GrayOwl thank you for your detailed reply, all really helpful words and suggestions and support in there from you, so thanks. Positive attitude is not happening right now. Today I'm going through so many feelings of guilt and regret and sadness. I feel very lost now. It's early days I know, and I keep reminding myself of the bad, really bad and the reasons I had to get out of there. Years of iving together, sharing everything, becoming used to the other person's... everything. I know it will take a long time. I wish I had had some other option, some other solution to this but there just wasn't one.

 

[GrayOwl]

A simple and quiet path toward peace and serenity.

We do not "make" other peoples' lives "worse" if you brought positives in to her life.
She chose not to partake of them. She needs to learn new skills and life patterns.
She chose to make her own life worse, despite your encouragement and support.
You've laid the tools at her door, now let her find them and put them to use - if she chooses.
"We are powerless over other people, places, and things......"
The choices are hers and hers alone to make, not yours or your responsibility.

You take the path that takes care of yourself.
There is no guilt in that.

There is a bittersweet sadness and regret, kind of like a mourning process.
My partner and I are separated at this time after a long time together.
She needed time to heal and reassess her life. That didn't include living with me anymore.
I am making difficult and painful adjustments in my life as well. It was a true mourning process for me.
I am recovering now though and finding strength to improve my character and build a better me.
And I'm liking the changes I see. My "fairy tale" life doesn't exist anymore.
I'm finding that's okay. Sorry though, for your discomfort.

Add positives if you can. Walks in the sun. A bowl of ice cream. Service work. Feeding birds.
Those things have helped me through. :happy:

 

[Kintsugi]

Add positives if you can. Walks in the sun. A bowl of ice cream. Service work. Feeding birds.

100%

And, just in case this has been part of your experience with leaving her... do NOT allow her to use the threat of suicide as a weapon. Her decisions are her own. You need to focus on your own health.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Definitely experiencing this sort of mourning now. I didn't expect this.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I keep reminding myself this is not going to be quick or easy.

 

[ladee]

It is confusing, because you don't hate her, you hate the things she did.... and continued to do that was hurting you..... this reminds me of what I went thru in my second divorce....I look back now and understand that someone mistreating me was all I knew... so yes I grieved him not being in my life... yet I couldn't tolerate being in the same room with him toward the end of our marriage... I was so confused...But I learned a lot about myself too CJ...good things, that didn't have a safe place to grow and blossom in that toxic air...and you are right... this will take time.
Glad to hear you are not going back to the place ya'll lived together.... too many memories...
And you have us... always...
Really hope at some point you start to understand how she made you responsible for her life, her attitude, her choices.... that is hard to unlearn.... and if she is not ok now.... it is up to her to change her life...
Girl, you are so loved here.... and we are with you for the journey...
lots of hugs to you!!!!.