I lie every time I speak.

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
stress levels start rising, or my symptoms start spiking; the more black & white my reasoning is or knee jerks into? The more behaving myself = lying.
This is jumping out at me. Thinking about the snippy attitude that’s been emerging. Embarrassing to the lying parts.
As a kid I thought I had to choose one, to believe, or to act as if I believed it. That lead to the classic ADHD-Social-Oblivious-Ish-Ness (vs) ADHD-Wise-Beyond-Your-Years paradox.
This very much strikes a cord. Yes. Reminds me of the concept of “scrupulosity”. I recognize that tendency in myself and see how it could be in play here. I’m seeing your point about nuance. I am reminded of when my marriage was ending and T encouraged me to lie to ex when I needed to. I did and felt progressively okay with it and eventually realized how much I had been lied to.

She said that a sovereign adult will lie to protect themselves and their loved ones from those who would seek to bring harm on them. I forgot about that. I was developing my ability to be an adult. I wonder if that helps me understand how regression might be playing a part in this cognitive distortion.
learned it’s not a binary choice, but an incrediably complex interaction between what people presented & what they wanted others to do… based almost entirely off personality + “sense of occasion”.
This is quite grounding to think of it this way.
Some disorders -like HFA, or BPD- because they can’t see the interplay (on either end of the spectrum); whilst others -like ADHD- because of being bombarded by it.))
Interesting! And also a bit of a surprise to see HFA and BPD linked, whether intentional or not. Never thought about the emotional disregulation present in those two. And to consider ADHD as stuck on the interplay of what is expected vs what I want is interesting.

Overall you’re helping me to step out of the binary which is settling.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Okay, so I get that that cognitive distortion is a survival state. Now I ask myself what triggered the survival mode? Trying to end therapy? Maybe?

I think it’s where I’m at in my recovery because I’m up against a group of self-defeating ideas related to getting my needs met. And they’re a thick wall of resistance but I pushed my way up here and I’m trying to poke at them. And they’re pushing back, which is maybe a good thing so I can see what I’m facing but it’s uncomfortable.

Not explaining very well. I don’t know exactly what triggered this regression into survival mode. Too much alone time, boredom?

Probably doesn’t matter because I have to cope just the same and work stuff out as it comes.

This is one of those breakdown breakthroughs—break from normal. My brain is doing the etch-a-sketch shake, the reset, mixing up the puzzle pieces and telling me to do it again.

But I have some guidance. I was required to create a false double to survive at home. But I had an impulse inside me to survive “for real” outside of the world that was familiar to me: that of the narcissistic abuse dynamic. So there was double survival and also layers of what is fake or real depending on how I perceived others to be on the spectrum of narcissism—they were my world because I was conditioned to respond to them.

And lying is a complex behavior based on wants, needs, personality, occasion, and has nuances to it which are challenging to unravel. Black and white thinking is a hallmark of symptom flare up and the more I am focusing on good behavior the higher the chance I’m lying, especially to myself.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I think that is all really good processing.

Something that helps me, that might help you, is remembering when it's like this (horrible, confusing, overwhelming), it usually means processing and healing is happening,and something else shifts. A 'coming out of the cloud into the blue sky'.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
nope, not at all!
But here's the thing.
Before you wouldn't have been aware that it was a protector or what she was doing.
Now you can recognize it, thank it, and move forward

That's way past baby steps!
And tell her you'll not leave her behind.

Im in this situation and he's so afraid of being abandoned when he gives up his hold that he's really gunking up progress.
 

Agita Kaput

Policy Enforcement
Sponsor
when it's like this (horrible, confusing, overwhelming), it usually means processing and healing is happening,
🤔😳🧐 (mumbles under breath)... must a been processing my whole damn life. 😒😖

😜😂🤣

This is one of those breakdown breakthroughs—break from normal. My brain is doing the etch-a-sketch shake, the reset, mixing up the puzzle pieces and telling me to do it again.
*Exactly* the VERY words I use to describe my Ketamine experience.

🤭🫣🫢 Ok... I lie.
I use the word "piñata candy." Not puzzle pieces.
 
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