I love my therapist so much

[Rose White]

I told her and I read it to her. First I told her. Cried a bunch. She said it was because of the re-parenting that I feel like that. And that as long as I’m not going to *do* anything then the love is okay, especially in that setting. Then I read how I wrote it in my journal throughout the week—the words were much more embarrassing, but I could detach from them through the reading process.

She stayed firm in her unconditional positive regard toward me and I felt the re-parenting soothing.

But I don’t know how to stop judging my feeling. The full title of my post should have been, “I love my therapist so much and I feel disgusted by it.” That’s where the crying came from in session. And that’s why I was so shocked by SheCat’s response. If I left my therapist now then I would be allowing myself to believe that I *was* disgusting and that I was

unhealthy and...need to move on [and] can’t possibly keep this on a professional basis and gain any insight on...healing if all you are doing is sitting there thinking about how much you “love” your therapist.

But now I have to figure out, how do I allow myself to love her without judging it? It feels wrong in a million ways. But the love itself is not wrong, only behaviors can be wrong? I think so. But the love feels painful, so I don’t like it. And yet it feels necessary, real, part of the process.

 

[ladee]

What keeps going thru my mind is, being so starved for love, we latch onto someone who does show us that kind of love. You will find a balance as you continue to get more healing done, and more of your authentic self in place.... please don't allow yourself to take the joy out of experiencing this kind of love.... I never felt this way about anyone, much less my T, and would love to know what it feels like, that kind of love.
If there was a problem your T would have told you, and told you what to work on..... maybe you can go back and read all the posts supporting you ... maybe that would fill in the gaps.... I think it is awesome you are open to loving anyone.... so be very proud of your self.... we are !!!
Gentle hugs

 

[hodge]

“They are the one person who can help in this situation”. I think by that you mean that talk...

No, not at all. We are here, too. But your T is a professional. The best thing is to talk with her and us.

 

[Scarlet13]

I think that attachment and transference can get misunderstood. If you love your therapist it might not be healthy and could be an issue.
But if you love your therapist it might also be totally healthy, healing and apart of the process.
I love my T and have told her. She said that I love her because she has given me care and validation. I read somewhere that when you feel love for your T that is a very healthy sign that you can heal and have normal relationships. The love needs to be fostered and cultivated-that is the whole point of therapy. It is like training on how to be human. Trauma can shut us down. But care from a T is reactivating so when you feel love for her that is you being a healthy human.
You reacted to that first post because it hurts to be told something is abnormal, when at a gut instinct level, you know it is actually healing.
People are going to have opinions on attachments. I have a maternal attachment for both my trauma t and my psychiatrist. It has been told to me that this maternal attachment is unhealthy. No, it is not (and both doctors agree on this). Not the having of it, its what you do with it. My attachment points to my needs and IS the therapy.
I am very independent and proactive. I actually am a better mother/teacher because of this attachment.
As an early childhood teacher I was always cultivating attachments with my students. I have had several students tell me they love me. They do not really know me. They love me because I have shown them care.
Attachment and transference could be unhealthy if it consumes you and you become delusional and start stalking your T because you want to "really be with her".
But it does not sound like that is the case with you. It sounds like your attachment points to you being a healthy human being who is capable of love.

 

[Rose White]

Scarlet13, you wrote, “The love needs to be fostered and cultivated.”

That’s the scary/foreign part. The fostering and the cultivating. Because I keep judging myself for it.

It’s good to read your words. It helps me understand and keep moving into the love in spite of my fear and disgust.

 

[BoN-bOn]

As a child there were so many emotional needs that didn’t get met. I have always had strange attachments to different people...teachers, counselors, anyone who may be a parent figure who showed care or love towards me. Even when I was a young child. Sometimes those attachments caused me a lot of problems/pain when adults took advantage of that vulnerability. So now that I am experiencing this same “Love/attachment” as an adult with my therapist & I feel so stupid & ashamed of this needy & vulnerable part of me. It makes me almost angry because I’ve tried so hard to not NEED anyone or be dependent on anyone for anything! I’m so embarrassed of that part of myself. I can see how working through it would be healthy & maybe teach me to be more accepting of those tender & vulnerable parts of myself rather than immediately be ashamed or feel self hatred. I just don’t know how to talk openly about those needs. I clam up & go silent in therapy, because MY emotional needs have never been important to anyone & if they were, there were anterior motives involved. So how do you go about discussing this in therapy? “Sooo....I’m feeling way too attached to you & it’s creeping me out?” I’ve been seeing her for a year now & she’s always awesome about anything. It’s taken me a long time to feel like I trust her & I know she would be understanding, I just have a hard time opening up.

 

[Rose White]

Something like, “I feel the transference has become an issue for me because...(everything you just said).”

 

[BoN-bOn]

*alterior motives (edit post above). Sorry I’m a little OCD about spelling & my phone changed it. :)

 

[Arebas]

Every time I see posts like this I am reminded of how different we all can be in regard to our cultural backgrounds. For what I've been reading, feeling love is always something problematic to most Americans in this forum. In Spain that's never a big issue. Sleeping with your therapist, yes, that's absolutely wrong. Loving them? We find that so natural! How can you not love a person you're sharing your most intimate thoughts and feelings with and who's guiding you towards a better life in some way? For us it would be unnatural not to love them. I've told my T I love her and she said she loves me back. And that was it, no big deal. You can love a friend, a parent, a spouse, a pet, a colleague and yes, your therapist. I always find so harsh all the posts about confronting the feelings and setting boundaries and even changing therapist... I think over here we just assume that you're probably going to feel some kind of love to anyone you have a good relationship with. Desire for your therapist, now that's a different story, but love? How can you NOT love them?

 

[ladee]

@Arebas, I truly wish 'love' was more simple to us here in the States. And in the case of loving a Therapist, I feel we have a knee jerk reaction to this because so many T's have taken advantage of clients in this way, in the sense they confused love with sex.... so many times clients have been abused . But you are right about cultural differences...
But honestly, I never loved any of my T's , they were just paid people to help me get from point A to point B... it was business in my eyes.... but love and confusion that comes with that here, does make our journey harder... thank you for sharing....

 

[Friday]

@Arebas

Its a failure of language.

When you say you love your therapist, love your spouse, love your child, love your friend, & love your colleague... What words do you use in Spanish? Not all the same one, right?

We're stuck with one word, even though we feel all the same things we don't have the words that clearly define them... so we have to go and define what we mean / what the boundaries are of how we're using that word after the fact. Without doing so? (Unless it's a child) We're implying passionate/romantic love.

English is so frustratingly vague :wtf:

 

[deeplyloved]

Hmm...good point. I don’t know. I speak Spanish and only use one phrase for people I love in all different ways. Te quiero. It literally translates as “I want you, which would indicate passionate love...but everyone I know uses it for non-sexual affection.