I love my therapist so much

[Rose White]

I think for me the love is so scary because it IS wrapped up in the desire and the sex. Partly because of my csa and partly because of American culture. I have to unravel all of the connections somehow.

I realized that I fall in love with people all the time. And then it fades away.

Before I acknowledged the memories of my csa I had a lot of assumptions based on the mixing of love, sex, and desire. I probably still carry the assumptions, but now I am noticing them, questioning them.

The love rises and falls with people in my life, but with my therapist, I am challenged to nurture that love, and it is painful. For some reason it makes me feel tense.

I have to believe that it is possible to love her and be okay inside my body, but for now, when I feel that I love her my muscles clench, my skin crawls, my ears hum, my chest tightens. It is uncomfortable.

ETA: the perspective of the Spanish seems much healthier to me. Up front and normalized.

For me, if desire creeps in then I feel disgusted with myself.

 

[deeplyloved]

I think you are brave and insightful. I love my therapist and I can’t yet imagine telling her. I’m thinking ahead to Christmas and knowing she wouldn’t approve of gifts or baking and it occurred to me I might just write her a thank you card. She saved my life and maybe she would appreciate a note about that. But I feel nervous about expressing the depth of my affection for her. There is indeed something stunted about American culture and affection and it’s tough to tell the horse from the cart sometimes. Sex or fear of being misinterpreted as planning to act on sexual desire is tied up into love for many people. It’s not just you. You have a lot of clarity and strength.