I Messed Up - Told My Friend She Could Touch Me Even Though I Hate It?

[j1999]

okay, so before i go into detail about this.... pickle i have got myself into i just want to say: i know this is my own fault. im not blaming anyone, and i know i've been being stupid. okay.

ever since my sexual assault i've been funny about people touching me. anywhere freaks me out, but wrists, neck and my sides/hips are the worst. i feel panicky when people touch me there and i get really anxious. i'm like this with everyone, even family.

the issue is this: i've been allowing people to touch me because im scared to tell them to stop. the issue is also this: i tell people they can do things that make me uncomfortable even though i dont want them to.

i know this is stupid. most people touch me without asking permission, but i have a couple of friends who do. one friend is very touchy feely, and has always touched/hugged me a lot, which freaks me out. i never mentioned to her that i didn't like it because i was too scared, but i tried to make it clear by my body language. i never initiate it, and i move away when she gets too close.

but because she is so touchy feely, she also kisses her friends. she asked me, about nine months ago, is it okay if i kiss you, as a friend? and i said yes? i dont know why ??????????????? i feel so stupid. i knew at the time that i didn't want to and its made me so uncomfortable ever since. she even kisses me on the neck which almost sends me into a panic attack or flashback every time she does it. i dont know why i didn't just say no... i'm so annoyed at myself. and now she does it, not all the time but sometimes. she kisses all her friends.

i'm getting scared to be around her now because im terrified of her touching or kissing me without warning (which she does do...). shes a nice person and i know this isnt her fault at all. she gave me the opportunity to tell her if i was uncomfortable and i didnt take it. i ruined this for myself and i am so! mad! at! myself! the worst part is that im almost mad at her too... even though its all my fault. i just cant believe that she hasnt noticed that i dont like it? i never initiate contact, i never kiss back, and i am visibly uncomfortable when she does it. usually i just zone out when she kisses me and pretend that im not there at all or otherwise ill start freaking out. i often get shaky when she does it and i move away from her as slyly as i can.. which i know she has noticed. but, again, not her fault.

i know she would be annoyed at me if i asked her to stop. she would think i was faking it or lying, because i have let her do it for so long. she knows vaguely about my trauma but i never ever talk to her about it and so she doenst ask about it. i also am scared to bring it up.
does anyone have any tips... please dont just say "why did you do that...." or "that was stupid" because i know... believe me i know..

thanks for reading :-(

 

[Kefira]

i know she would be annoyed at me if i asked her to stop.

How do you know this? Most people who ask about interpersonal boundaries like this actually care about consent culture. It seems more likely she would be sad that you've been putting up with something that makes you uncomfortable, and she would then know to stop and to proceed with a lot more caution over new/existing boundaries.

If she does get upset, then you know a whole lot about her because it means she feels entitled to encroach upon the personal space of others.

But if you don't start the conversation, nothing is going to change. Either she's not good at body language (I know I'm not, that's part of why I ask people things, and I tend to trust their answer over my judgement on it), she just listened to what you said and stopped analyzing, or maybe she knows you're uncomfortable but thinks it's something you're working on because of your answer. There are a ton of reasons.

Bottom line, a simple "Hey, you know when you asked if you could [action here]? I thought/automatically said/whatever that it was okay at the time, but I've thought about it and it makes me uncomfortable. Would it be alright if we found some less physical ways to show we care about each other?" seems to be needed. Often with super touchy friends I validate that I understand touch may be their primary love language, and tell them I'll try to work on something small (like being comfortable with a hug if I'm not) but then also give them an easy way they can show they care about me that resonates with me, or explain the things I do that mean I care (like bringing baked goods to people).

 

[j1999]

How do you know this? Most people who ask about interpersonal boundaries like this actually care about co...

this is all really true and great advice. cheers :-)

 

[illusionist]

I felt, for years, that my boundaries were skewed. What is acceptable? Am I over reacting? I knew how I felt, but in order to be socially accepted, I had to do/ accept what others do/ accept....a very confusing time.

 

[Friday]

You didn't have one opportunity that you missed. It's not over & done. All current relationships are evolving and ongoing, not static unchanging things.

Meaning : Tell her, now. :)

There are 1,000 different ways to tell her, I usually go for blunt / humorous. Heya, love... I'm having some touch issues right now. Will probably last for awhile. Wanted to let you know so I don't hurt your feelings on accident if I cringe away like Hiss! Vampire in sunshine! Or No! Not....kryptonite! I'm melting, I'm melting! Gaaaaaah :hungover: :sour: :wtf:

 

[barefoot]

According to my therapist, I have "squiffy boundaries" - which I always think makes it sounds a bit more fun than it is! So I have similar challenges to you...I tend to go along with things eg hugging because I think it's "normal" behaviour so I'm the one with the problem. So I'll go ahead and do it/let other people do it to me because looking "normal" and not offending the other person generally ends up taking priority over what I actually need.

I think others here have given great advice - I know how hard it can be but I'd definitely say something now. Bottom line - you're not looking after yourself and you're not considering your own needs if you don't and that will keep having repercussions for you.

And I agree with Kefira - I can't see that your friend will feel annoyed about it. I suspect she might feel bad/sad that you've been allowing herself to do something that doesn't make you feel great. But I think Kefira and Friday have both given you great examples of ways to have the conversation, which means that you get to express your need and your friend doesn't get to feel bad about her behaviour.

Good luck - I know that it's hard work and takes a lot of practise and I have a very long way to go with this stuff myself. But I do really believe that it's so important for us to carry on expressing our needs and, as my therapist calls it, "finding and expressing your no".