I Need Advice On Dissociation

[shiraz]

Hi TLight,

Reading about your challenges has been so comforting as I am in a very similar situation and it is nice to hear that I am not the only one going through this. I am with a good man ... no a GREAT man! But I have had to really hang in there with him and he with me, as we learned to get past the CPTSD. We have been together two and half years and half of that has been bashed about with CPTSD to such an extent that we both feel wounded. last night he asked me if we had carried enough bags of salt yet - you know the saying? "You don't know someone till you've carried a bag of salt with them."

I have lived on the verge of running for most of that time but also with the decision not to allow myself that choice. I have only of late allowed myself to believe that I am safe and have finally worked out how to accept his love and trust his intentions regardless of how I am feeling. It has been a long journey of coming to understand myself better and allowing him to understand me more and of allowing the 'flight' part of me to catch up with the 'reason' part of me - the two are slowly becoming one and I am more and more able to allow myself to run to him rather than away from him.

He too has given me the gift of staying at home and I just have to push aside the 'guilt' of not contributing enough as this guilt comes from me and definitely not from him. I am battling to get on top of it.

I dissociate too every time we are with his family. They are nice people on the whole and I get along well with them one on one, but in one big group, I can't manage them, and that is the only way they socialize ... they are about 15-20 people when all together and I just get lost amongst the noise and music and sports on TV and kids screaming and playing and the 'stretch or starve' culture - everyone for himself mentality and the mingling (like being at a party) - everyone moving about constantly! It is overload for me. Then I just want to go find a corner to hide in. There values are also different from mine and my fiancé’s and we have decided to put it down to ignorance and not cause heartache by fighting over these things.

I have asked that we socialize differently with them by inviting one family around at a time as I will cope better; but as soon as someone gets wind of the 'dinner' I have planned, the others get on edge that they were not invited and my fiancé can't cope with that - it is just his family culture to ALL get together at once.

His family also teases and pushes buttons and if they think you are taking yourself too seriously you are really in for it. There is also a woman in the family - an older 'niece' by second marriage to my fiancé (i.e. not related) who nobody knows has a 'history' with my fiancé. She can be very flirty with him, is constantly taking photos of him and tries to get him alone all the time. Nobody knows what she is up to except me and my fiancé is too blind to see her games, he just thinks she is insecure and looking for attention - when we first met we had many arguments over her as he feels I am being too harsh on her. It took a long time to convince him of her true intentions. Once he knew, he snubbed her once and that was the end of it, she stopped playing games. But she is always around and my hypervigilence is always up.

Nobody is aware of the CPTSD and so I can only imagine what they think, probably something along the lines of 'stuck up BITCH' as I get really quiet and isolate quickly and I already battle with being shy and on the quiet side even when not dissociating ... grrrrr. It has gotten so bad that I begin to dissociate before we even arrive for a get together and people have begun to ignore me altogether now. I am incapable of initiating at all when like this, it is becoming very awkward. On occasion I have also taken my own car to family parties so that I can escape - that is also very helpful. Just knowing that there is an escape alleviates the symptoms.

As far as my experience is concerned, I am so so glad that I held out. It was difficult acting against my instinct to run, but it is paying off now. If I knew before what I would have to go through to get to this place, I don't know if I would have done it, it has been very challenging indeed, but there has been so much growth in both of us and we are closer than ever now. I hope that this will be your experience too.

As far as family is concerned; we have decided that one family event a weekend is all I can do. I remember to warn him before hand of the PTSD possibilities and he is increasingly willing to make the call of shorter family visits knowing that he will lose me for the rest of the weekend if we don't manage the situation. He also knows that I'll need 'depressurizing' activities/time afterwards. As far as the 'one family unit at a time' dinners - well, I think they will just have to get used to it, and they are also better behaved without the whole 'posse' around.

I sympathize with you TLight. None of this is easy. It is getting easier though for me to submit to it. I am no super woman and both my fiancé and I need to be realistic about what works and what is just too risky for both of us.

We do our best in a very challenging situation :)

Hugs and good wishes to you :Hug_emoticon:

Let us know how it is going.
Shiraz.

 

[Deleted member 541]

TLight,

Thanks for the compliment, I appreciate it. I have a question though... Do you dissociate to escape when his family starts with their behavior, or does it just happen and you have a hard time coming out of it?

I know that I can pretty much dissociate when I want to escape from something uncomfortable, once I feel it coming on. I can also stop myself if I work at it a bit. For me, it depends on the situation, if I want to come out of it or not......Avoidance at it's best I guess.....

 

[TLight]

Well, lately I've been having tons of trouble with dissociation. Or perhaps its just because I've actually been present a bit for the first time in 40 years.........so now I notice how bizarre it is when I'm not..........I think that's probably it.

But like to told the psyche doc, I'm having trouble driving cause I'm dissociating a ton. I keep having to pull myself back and remind myself that I'm driving and I need to pay attention. I think this is because of all the peripheral vision activity...........ever since I had the flashback of being beaten brutally back and forth on the sides of my head........well, the cars going by seem to trigger the dissociation. Driving has become pretty challenging to me lately. I hate it.

With people I don't know in social situations, I struggle to 'stay here' but can usually do it by maintaining eye contact and being interested in what they are saying.........I'm really intensely listening to them because it helps me to stay on the planet. So I can stay if I want and I work at it.

With them, well............I think that they are so triggering that I really don't want to stay, so I don't try much. It just happens when I'm around them. The first few times, it didn't really happen, or I just 'stayed there' as above. But now I know a bit about them.........and the past couple of times, it just happens..........like I don't have much choice and I don't like them or the whole situation..........so I don't really try to stay, I think. So, I'm avoiding............but the problem comes up when I'm dissociated somebody can be a real a*hole to me and I won't even notice it...........in fact I'll probably thank them. I've done this many times in the past. I'm very vulnerable.

I think I'm going to have to come up a with a plan with my BF to keep him near me so I don't get reamed and he can protect me. I've mentioned this to him, but I think I'll reinforce it for next time..........cause I don't know if I can get out of it next time.

I'm hoping to try though and just adjust my mindset to........."I can communicate and stay present with these folks, but I don't have to let my guard down, I don't care if they like me or not, and I can do this without dissociating." I've been thinking a lot about strategies.

I"m also realizing how when his brother has made a couple of demeaning 'teasing' things, Scott hasn't been right there. I let it pass, but then I mention it later and he says I'm taking it wrong and that his brother truly is a good guy and that it is just his distorted way of communicating. Well..........I realize that Scott saying that "I'm taking it wrong' is causing a lot of confusion within me..........like I'm beginning to doubt my perception of reality.

Like this last time.......I'm writing papers for college students in a bind these days for extra cash. They got whiff of the fact that two of them are Arabic ('towelheads' in their terminology). Well last time his brother Rob was wearing a shirt concerning a conservation workshop........I asked him if he was there (he works in parks for the County so very likely he was)......he said something like; "Oh Yeah, I know the things that you are doing these days for money!" Pretty sarcastic like.

I took it as they are talking behind my back about me working for towelheads........because of a different particularly disgusting incident with his sister and Dad where they barked at me "What, you are doing papers for towel heads!"........

Well, I let the comment pass........but Scott said I misinterpreted and that really he was saying that he attends trainings like I do........

I'm still not sure what the reality is.............and I hate this. I start feeling like I'm crazy or the PTSD causes me to take everything everyone says as a threat.......I don't know. I've had a ton of bad treatment by male a*holes in the workplace and just let it slide.........so I'm having a hard time separating the past emotions from the present.
I still don't know what it mean't and if it mean't he went to conservation training like I do as a Biologist........why was he so snotty about it?

 

[Deleted member 541]

TLight,

Your statement....ever since I had the flashback of being beaten brutally back and forth on the sides of my head........well, the cars going by seem to trigger the dissociation. Driving has become pretty challenging to me lately. I hate it.

I have a problem with driving/dissociating also..I find it really difficult driving down a tree lined road and the sun is breaking through the trees. Light/dark/light/dark, almost like a strobe light effect. I can't stand it, it bothers the hell out of me, and I end up dissociating from it. This one is really hard for me to drag myself out of...Problem is...I don't know why. Of course I don't remember most of my childhood/abuse, so this is all part of not knowing why.... Frustrating to say the least....

I think that you may be dissociating with his family, in order to not deal with the crap that they are dishing out. It's a trigger for you, so you just avoid through dissociating.....I can understand you doing this...

 

[TLight]

Yes, and dissociating around them is the 'least energy' way out........God knows I"m really short on energy. But it makes me vulnerable to more abuse...............

Sometimes just hiding in this house is so much easier than learning how to protect myself in a more healthy manner. Avoidance...........but I'm so physically sick and spent, sometimes I just don't have the strength for anymore BS.

In fact, at my last job I exploded one day and started raging that I was sick of the BS......everyone left my tiny office very silently.......my rage scared them. It scares me too..........

 

[Surviving]

It sounds like this is a temporary problem with having to deal with his family and he is noble for being there for them. It's an extension of how is there for you too. He does sound like a good guy. I'm glad you're happy and this sounds like a healthy relationship with some hurdles (but what relationship doesn't have a few?). As long as he respects how you feel about the ex then it sounds good. How lucky you are to have such a caring and respectful guy! I can only dream of that at this point :-(

 

[Shoka]

Dear TLight,

I'm so sorry for your situation. When I was married, my husband's father was an alcoholic and womanizer. I am someone who has been in recovery as an adult child of an alcoholic AND I have a degree in Women's Studies, so I'm not exactly comfortable around womanizers.

When I first had to start interacting with my father in law I sat down with him and had a pleasent talk saying that with me he could start the slate clean. I said that our relationship would develop depending on his respect for me and the way he treated me. This worked for a little while, although my contact with my then father in law was limited.

One fathers day we went to visit him and he made some lude comments about me and my husband didn't stand up for me. It was terrible. After that visit I called my father in law, explained that his behavior was unacceptable and that I would not ever see him in his home again. It was hard to stand up for myself as such and caused a big fight between my husband and I , but I realized that I owed my father in law nothing, and that I wouldn't allow myself to spend my precious time feeling awkward and uncomfortable around a sexist alcoholic who was going to take pot shots at me for his own amusement.

Hard to do. Eventually the marriage dissolved.

This might seem like a simplistic question, but can you limit your exposure to these people? It sounds like their values and your core values don't mesh and never will.

Shoka

 

[TLight]

Yes, I've definately decided to limit my contact with them, and my BF knows this and is fine with it.

 

[freya]

I read your story, I don't have any advice... just wanted to say I think I can relate to things you wrote...

For me a hard part is that I cannot really trust my 'intuition' or feelings. They tell me I'm in danger and I need to run or fight - when I'm not. I often just don't know what to do or which 'voice' to listen to. The one that tells me I am being treated wrongly or the one that says I'm 'making it up'.
It can be so hard to trust my feelings or insights. Utter confusion, often.
Living becomes hard that way.

I do think, when I hear what you say, that your boyfriend is very good. And I agree with those who suggest you try to either not be in touch with his family too much OR try to work a few things out with them. I think the first idea is the best one, the one with most chances of succeeding.

And I can totally relate to you feeling like a 'ditz' when dissociated. Causes me to have to work a lot on being forgiving and understanding with myself. You cannot really help it (yet?) that you dissociate, for now. And you have good reasons for dissociating.

I hope you, as well as I, can learn some day to dissociate less. For now it just seems to be what is?

love, Freya