I Need Advice On What To Work On First...

[theotherside]

Quick question for anyone who can help...


Since i can remember i have been dealing with self hate. I self harmed at a young age and wanted to die..
Today i still struggle with this. Very low self esteem. Body image issues. Not good enough, i feel so different and ugly. Inside and out. Im in a relationship and often i think im not good enough for my partner..not
. attractive enough on the outside..not well enough on the inside. Anyway there is some background...

My ptsd symptoms are out of control right now. Isolated, agraphobia, panic attacks, nightmares, insomnia, flashbacks, constant migraines, neck and shoulder pain. This is the worst its been.

Im looking for a T

But what do i work on first?
My childhood trauma?
Adult trauma?
The self hate/ self esteem?

Its a lot...

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I say go with the trauma. When it is resolved, your other symptoms of self-hate may lessen. It will then be easier to work on self esteem issues.

 

[theotherside]

@Solara, thank you. I hope i find a good T soon.. i have been looking but no match yet...

 

[Casey_03]

I have dealt with crippling self hatred for as long as I can remember, and self harmed for a very long time. First off, you really need to find a T, a good one who you can trust. That can be tough; there are a lot of bad ones out there. But don't give up on finding one, once you do, that will help immensely. In the meantime, do you talk to anyone about these issues? About your traumas? Is there anyone you can be open with about all this stuff? It takes courage to be able to tell people that you are going through this, but that will help too. A lot of the pain you are feeling likely stems from the childhood trauma, which basically taught you to hate yourself and instilled in you "toxic shame" -- a feeling that you are somehow to blame for how you were treated and what happened to you. Try reading books about this written by other people who have experienced it - someone else on this forum suggested the book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving." I have begun reading it and it is helpful. It helps you to see where such self-hatred comes from, and once you can see that, you can work on overcoming it. Other than that, the one thing that will help is training yourself to be alone with yourself -- and to be okay with it. To let the feelings come and to experience them but to not let them destroy you. For me, that was the hardest part. I have always had relationships and distractions to prevent me from facing certain issues, but in the end all those things did was postpone me getting better. It's really hard, but I think it can be good to just spend some time completely alone -- writing out your thoughts, reflecting on your life, your decisions, etc. Just accepting yourself. Is your partner supportive? Is the relationship a good one? Sorry for asking so much, I am just not familiar with your circumstances.

 

[Seasounds]

I'm only one cook in the kitchen, with my recipe.
Follow your sense of what feels safe and best for you.

Personally, I went too deep, too fast, without/before a building a bedrock of solid skills and activities, to ground, to soothe, and to integrate my pains in safety, once I opened pandora's box. Almost lost myself; no need to be so dangerously exuberant.(The tortoise eventually surpassed the hare.)

For that reason, with building a nurturing base for yourself, I'd go about doing things that you enjoy (increases self-esteem) while you gently deal with memories that surface, which usually challenge self-esteem.

 

[theotherside]

Thanks casey_03
I do have both of Pete Walkers books, the Tao of fully feeling and Complex PTSD..they are great books and i have been wanting to read them again. I remember when i was in therapy and reading his books it was a better time for me. My partner is supportive and im really thankful for that.

 

[theotherside]

@Saetva
Thanks..i do feel my pandoras box got opened too soon, too fast and i didnt know how to deal with things and after a year of therapy im looking for a new T and hoping this time is better.

 

[Lionheart]

If you have any substance abuse issues, self-harm, or safety issues, I would strongly suggest working to get these cleared away first and foremost.

Then once you find a "T", I'd suggest building trust with your therapist as trust is a core issue for most sufferers. I would also suggest the subjects of power and control as these are often core issues as well.

At any rate, I think your willingness to get started is a good sign and I wish you all the best as you move towards health and healing!!!

 

[Friday]

Whatever is hardest. Hits the most, most disruptive. Sort that, and the rest won't be easy, but will be easier.

 

[darrenS]

before you start work on any truama , you must be able to manage your symptoms , if they start addressing trauma without this , then you will find a lot of difficulty and i would blunty question the T;s experience

 

[rightkindofme]

I go through intense interviews with therapists. I need them to be a good fit and therapists are just people. They are not all the same and they don't have all the same experiences and abilities. Be highly selective and fussy and discount people who won't work for you. Being really picky will save you a lot of frustration later.

I... don't handle my trauma in "safe" or "logical" ways. I force myself to deal with them in a lot of potentially problematic ways. I'm pretty lucky I'm still alive. I like to go relive my traumas and try to reframe them. It's dangerous, stupid, and has caused me no end of trouble. And yet it's also worked really well.

Personally I didn't learn a bunch of calming skills before I got into heavy trauma work. As a result I had a tempestuous few years where a lot of my friends spent a lot of time very upset with me. I have worked a lot of my 'stuff' out in writing. I've been a blogger for 12 years now. There is so much you can work out just by telling the stories over and over.

I see Harm Reduction specialists. They understand that my cutting and other forms of self-harm are *symptoms* and not my disease. We treat the disease and the symptoms are not the focus. Which means that if I slip and cut, that's not the end of the world. It is what I needed to do to get through today so I can make it back to therapy and I have another chance to work on my Truly Big Problems. I would never be able to work with a therapist who treated cutting like one of my biggest problems. If someone will freak out about that... we can't work together.

Looking at your specific list of things, I don't know what I would do exactly. Hm.

I go into therapy offices with multiple sheets of paper. One is a time line of my life. For every year of my life I write a sentence or two describing the major traumas I'm still struggling with. (Until I hit 25 I had major traumas every year, some years 5 or more severe separate kinds of traumas.) This helps therapists get a broad scope on my issues. Seeing it all down like that allows them to go, "Wow. No wonder this is hard to cope with. Ok. Let's start by establishing some background so I can understand better when you talk about people." I also give therapists "cast of character" sheets because I have so many people in my life. (I'm very blessed in being a highly social person. I don't have blood family but I keep people in my life.) And so many of my friends and rapists have the same names that having a full cast of character sheet helps everyone stay straight on the stories.

I find that just organizing my notes to bring in to therapy helps me gain perspective on why I'm struggling. "Oh. A lot of bad things happened. It's ok that I'm having trouble with this many bad things."

I suspect that the self-hate will be fixed by talking about the other traumas. It is harder to hate yourself once you see how much you don't deserve the other bad things that happened you. But that switch is really tough. It is ridiculously hard to learn to have compassion for yourself.

I will stop babbling at you and say, I don't know for sure what you should do. Everyone is different. Your story is complex and only you know it. I suspect that as you work through your traumas you will hate yourself less, it is common for people to have that experience. But some people need to work on self-hate as a separate focus. I don't know what you will need.

Good luck though. If you post a lot here, folks are pretty happy to help tease things out.

 

[StellaBlue]

Personally, I went too deep, too fast, without/before a building a bedrock of solid skills and activities, to ground, to soothe, and to integrate my pains in safety, once I opened pandora's box. Almost lost myself; no need to be so dangerously exuberant.(The tortoise eventually surpassed the hare.)

For that reason, with building a nurturing base for yourself, I'd go about doing things that you enjoy (increases self-esteem) while you gently deal with memories that surface, which usually challenge self-esteem.

I agree with this 100%. From what you are describing, you may be too symptomatic to delve into your trauma right now. I would recommend learning some grounding and distress tolerance skills and try to get to a solid baseline before diving into the muck. I suspect that once you start on either the trauma or the self-hatred, you're going to find that they are connected and it's going to pull a lot of stuff out.

I know that, for me, there's always this desire to push through, no matter what...and sometimes that ends up taking more time and causes more pain than taking it slowly.