I
Idifi
Hi. I'm new here. I'm an 18 year old guy and I'm really struggling to stay positive and feel in control of my life. I have a condition similar to PTSD where ordinary sounds make me lose control of my thoughts and sometimes my actions. I can't hear my family talk, eat, or really do anything that involves their daily routine. In case you're wondering, it's not a huge issue with people who I don't know (mostly) but as soon as I begin to get to know someone it kicks in and I can't stop it... This has caused me to miss out on a lot in my life... I'm 18 now and I don't have really any friends... I have no one I talk to outside of the store I work at and thinking about my relationships there makes me instantly feel on-edge. In high school I discovered marijuana and realized that a noticeable side effect of it was that it calmed down my panic reactions to stimuli, but only in smaller doses. In larger doses it sometimes actually had an opposite effect. I have been using marijuana daily for about a year. Without it, I feel even more helpless, but using it makes me helpless because it changes my thoughts so drastically sometimes and makes me such a more positive person that it causes me to shove all the pain and suffering deep down and when I go a while without it everything just gets bad... It's like I start to experience everything I know exists in my head but I choose to ignore.
I don't know why I have these problems and why I'm constantly in fight-or-flight mode but it's caused me to become socially awkward in many cases... it's gotten to the point where I've actually almost come to terms with it just accepted it and recently it's actually given me confidence in my actions and has let me stop worrying about how someone else views what I do or say, which is good.
I don't know where this anger came from originally but I can say, at least to a lesser degree, it's been present my whole life. As a child I would throw up when eating food that had certain textures, like fruit and vegetables. I actually had a dream once growing up where I ate a slice of pizza and there was a chunk of something in the sauce- like an onion or tomato, and it caused me to immediately jolt out of bed and I woke up with nausea and had a migraine for a while... I don't know why I reacted that way but it really freaked me out.
I recently have found out I have hemochromatosis, which is where my body absorbs too much iron and it collects in my joints, brain, and vital organs and causes organ failure at a young age. This has freaked me out a little as smoking marijuana causes me to sometimes gives me mild heart palpitations.
Another thing I have to add is that I am someone who is frustrated greatly by earth-culture. I call it that because I am someone who looks at everything going on in the world and i want to opt out of it all, and I want other people to experience whatever I've experienced that let's me see things in the light I see them. I turn on the news and I get scared and I feel sick to myself... It's like all our media is put through this corporate filter controlled by politicians and CEOs who are all just passing dollars around to make our economy look like it's functioning... and I see how much money is spent on promoting keeping everything the way it is... When is the last time you saw someone run for political office who actually changed our system? We are in an inter-national shit-storm and as long as people get their government subsidized food, TV, and Internet no one cares. Even the religions we worship are dumb. Our governments sponsor different religions and we value them so much that we just blindly invest our time and energy into random organizations and feel a sense of holy-ness. When is the last time you saw people coming together in large groups to actually make the effort to change the actual actions and beliefs that are causing all the world's problems? You see people with these same intentions in movies, on TV, etc. but they never really hit it where they should. They only go after symptoms- no one steps back and just looks at what's going on in retrospect. It's like people go after religion for answers when if they'd close their eyes and think for a second they'd realize that no one has the answer to our existence and even our own consciousness more than we do ourselves...
In high school I began to notice the negative effects of some of my actions, and I felt (and still feel) guilt and shame. I never really hurt anyone, nor have I ever, but I have done things and said things I regret. I've become vulnerable emotionally and I worry too much about balancing fitting in and also living out my beliefs values... how can I do both when the society I live in makes me feel like I to act in ways I otherwise wouldn't?
If you are reading this and you are in disagreement, please feel free to open up on why, but I ask you to not just make rude comments about my beliefs... I would rather you politely question.
I'm going to end this by saying that I am in a really dark place right not... I feel like I'm living every day on the edge of light and darkness. It's like I'm trying to reflect the light and happiness I feel inside and know to exist, but the amount of negative mental pain and suffering is just overwhelming and has left me confused and I feel like my world is constantly spinning out of control. I feel like the PTSD symptoms are getting worse every day and it stresses me out to think about the possibility of me hitting a breaking point. I've broken so many things out of anger it just scares me so much to think about it.
I don't know why I have these problems and why I'm constantly in fight-or-flight mode but it's caused me to become socially awkward in many cases... it's gotten to the point where I've actually almost come to terms with it just accepted it and recently it's actually given me confidence in my actions and has let me stop worrying about how someone else views what I do or say, which is good.
I don't know where this anger came from originally but I can say, at least to a lesser degree, it's been present my whole life. As a child I would throw up when eating food that had certain textures, like fruit and vegetables. I actually had a dream once growing up where I ate a slice of pizza and there was a chunk of something in the sauce- like an onion or tomato, and it caused me to immediately jolt out of bed and I woke up with nausea and had a migraine for a while... I don't know why I reacted that way but it really freaked me out.
I recently have found out I have hemochromatosis, which is where my body absorbs too much iron and it collects in my joints, brain, and vital organs and causes organ failure at a young age. This has freaked me out a little as smoking marijuana causes me to sometimes gives me mild heart palpitations.
Another thing I have to add is that I am someone who is frustrated greatly by earth-culture. I call it that because I am someone who looks at everything going on in the world and i want to opt out of it all, and I want other people to experience whatever I've experienced that let's me see things in the light I see them. I turn on the news and I get scared and I feel sick to myself... It's like all our media is put through this corporate filter controlled by politicians and CEOs who are all just passing dollars around to make our economy look like it's functioning... and I see how much money is spent on promoting keeping everything the way it is... When is the last time you saw someone run for political office who actually changed our system? We are in an inter-national shit-storm and as long as people get their government subsidized food, TV, and Internet no one cares. Even the religions we worship are dumb. Our governments sponsor different religions and we value them so much that we just blindly invest our time and energy into random organizations and feel a sense of holy-ness. When is the last time you saw people coming together in large groups to actually make the effort to change the actual actions and beliefs that are causing all the world's problems? You see people with these same intentions in movies, on TV, etc. but they never really hit it where they should. They only go after symptoms- no one steps back and just looks at what's going on in retrospect. It's like people go after religion for answers when if they'd close their eyes and think for a second they'd realize that no one has the answer to our existence and even our own consciousness more than we do ourselves...
In high school I began to notice the negative effects of some of my actions, and I felt (and still feel) guilt and shame. I never really hurt anyone, nor have I ever, but I have done things and said things I regret. I've become vulnerable emotionally and I worry too much about balancing fitting in and also living out my beliefs values... how can I do both when the society I live in makes me feel like I to act in ways I otherwise wouldn't?
If you are reading this and you are in disagreement, please feel free to open up on why, but I ask you to not just make rude comments about my beliefs... I would rather you politely question.
I'm going to end this by saying that I am in a really dark place right not... I feel like I'm living every day on the edge of light and darkness. It's like I'm trying to reflect the light and happiness I feel inside and know to exist, but the amount of negative mental pain and suffering is just overwhelming and has left me confused and I feel like my world is constantly spinning out of control. I feel like the PTSD symptoms are getting worse every day and it stresses me out to think about the possibility of me hitting a breaking point. I've broken so many things out of anger it just scares me so much to think about it.
