I Need Help

[fading_quickly]

I have periods of not feeling real to the extreme, and then random outbursts where I become incredibly abusive. After outbursts I am numb for a couple days. This has been happening for as long as I can remember. Recently this is a problem. When I'm feeling unreal I have black flashes in my vision, and even more recently my vision becomes zoomed in, or warped. This happened in class today where my vision became warped, I feel that everyone is against me. Very scary.
Ive tried talking to my mom but she freaks out and says I'm a "f*cking hypochondriac", and I believed her for awhile, but it's starting to affect my life now so I don't think I am. I can't see a doctor without her permission because I am underage. I'm really scared. If I can't ever be better I know I'll have to kill myself, but I don't want to, I just want to get better. I don't know what's wrong and I don't know what to do

 

[Esterio]

hi there fading _quickly
welcome to this community. Someone was on the other day that was having problems getting their Mom to listen. The advise that was given was to go talk with your councillor at school and tell them and they could maybe help to get your mom to take you seriously. That you really have something going on you don't know what it is and it is scaring you. That seem to me the best way to go about that talk to the councillor and they will validate it for you. I hope that helps.
Peace be safe

 

[Justmehere]

I have periods of not feeling real to the extreme, and then random outbursts where I become incredibly abusive.

I'm really glad you are reaching out for help with this. Do you have a history of trauma or otherwise suspect you might have PTSD?

Ive tried talking to my mom but she freaks out and says I'm a "f*cking hypochondriac", and I believed her for awhile, but it's starting to affect my life now so I don't think I am

Argh, I am so sorry your mother handled this so badly. If someone is actually a hypochondriac, well, ironically enough, therapy can help that too. Is your mother perhaps more open to you seeing a counselor instead of a doctor? @Esterio has good advice to see if a school counselor could help your mother understand the need for counseling.

If I can't ever be better I know I'll have to kill myself, but I don't want to, I just want to get better.

I'm glad you don't want to kill yourself, and I can tell you are desperate for things to get better. There are other options than ending your life to manage these symptoms. It may take some time, and you gotta hang on through this rough spot. If the suicidal thoughts keep coming back, please be sure to reach out to a crisis line. There are even online crisis chat and crisis text support services in the US that can be found on google.

 

[shatter eyes]

I was stormed into same harbour and thought i was too tired and unpredicatable to reach land. Drowning would been easier. Then i logged in here and found some ropes to hang on to until light knifes the darkness slowly; sunrised still i hide but alive.