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Sufferer I Need Love, But ...
- Post starter mbrady
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ladee
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No..if this is your introduction share what you Want and need to.
Welcome!
Welcome!
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My PTSD is abuse trauma based. I was abused every way a child can be growing up. The traumas were sporadic and occurred over many years starting at 18 months. Very specific at times, at others non-specific. I have a wonderful family with a wife and 4 boys, all teenagers, one recently out of the house on his own. I have dealt with suicidal thoughts, the most recently 2 weeks ago involving a locked door and my sidearm. I'm still here. I got in touch with the VA crisis hotline as I'm a "vet". I put quotes on it b/c my (as of then undiagnosed) PTSD symptoms became sharply obvious in the Navy and I was discharged after only 15 months of active duty. Don't really feel like I deserve that honor nor the benefits. But the fact remains the Navy aggravated my condition. Still fighting with the VA for a disability rating and I've been out for 21 years. In that time I average 1 job a year with the longest at any one employer being 5 years. This constant job changing as you can imagine is super hard on my family. My kids are awesome! I know it affects them yet they show me often how resilient they are. My wife is awesome too, but recently (with this current cycle I'm in) I've begun to question her loyalty and resolve to see it through to the end (like we vowed). Yes, I know it's hard living with me and I know she has put up with a lot, but the way she treats me now is very cold and distant. We have an amazing and somewhat unique relationship in that we were high school sweethearts and both virgins when we married. We've never known anyone else.
All our marriage, except maybe 5 years in total, my wife has not worked outside the home. This was an area of pride for me initially that I could provide well enough for that to be her reality. I provide a very comfortable life, financially, for my family when I'm right. But after 22 years her actions and reactions and behaviors suggest that she is spoiled. She WILL NOT get a job. Even as we sit here on the brink of losing our home and in a pile of disconnect notices. I am looking for work and have been, but things are very sluggish right now in my field where we live and during this holiday time (2016 closing out and 2017 starting). As the realization that I've spoiled my wife, and my kids, sets in a sick? thought pattern starts to arise in me. Why should I be the one to always take extreme measures to save our marriage and our finances when she has no skin in the game? Full disclosure, she had a back injury and it was discovered she has fibro. BUT, she has energy to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. And what she wants to do is home based businesses. She has, in some form or fashion, done these for some 10 years now. Never realizing more than about $500 in profit for her highest sales month. Average is closer to $150. I know, I do the taxes. I do the earning, I do the paying, I do the begging for money now that we are stone broke, I sacrificed my retirement (our retirement together) not once but 3 times in the last 10 years to pay bills and get us into our ever own home. I do the cooking most nights even after putting in 8-16 hour days (again when I'm right). Even if she does make dinner half the time she makes me feel bad about not doing it, or insisting that I do the parts she hates (cutting onions). I deal with all the finances and creditors. And the first thing to go on lock down when she is mad is that good lovin. I'm no saint. I have my issues as we all do. I can fly off the handle when I'm cycling at the drop of a hat. Most times I'm the calm voice of reason in my house. I don't get physical. She'll slam doors, beat on walls, throw stuff, hit herself in the head. I consider myself educated and try to logic my way through an argument. This infuriates her b/c I'm the better arguer. "You're right, you're ALWAYS right!" Her platform, I guess, is hyper spiritualism. We are the same religion but we are not on the same "level". We don't "Christian" the same and she constantly throws God in my face as the end all be all. Yet she is mean. She uses it as a weapon, cutting me down b/c I don't do ______ enough. Pray, read, go to church, etc. My stance is we are all on a different journey spiritually and my personal relationship with God is just that - PERSONAL. She believes if we aren't on the same level we have no foundation to continue our marriage. She is getting backing for these theories from her female friends, both of whom have had divorces. She comes back from meeting with them like "My eyes have been opened to your manipulations. I see the truth now. You are just manipulating me for compassion and that is emotional abuse." I'm all "Whatever you have to tell yourself, but that isn't the issue and it's bulls** that you are going so overboard with this." "Oh verbal abuse too, now huh?" How is it verbal abuse? Because I said bulls**. I use foul language when I'm at my whits end and the madness isn't realized or accepted. She has no accountability. She searches for blame in every situation and it's never hers. She sees foul language as verbal abuse. I would tend to agree if it's pervasive, but it isn't, or if I called her names, which I do rarely (ex. after she disrespects me in front of the kids). The vast majority of these encounters are in private, but when I cycle I spin out and typical verbal restraints aren't there.
We went through some very, very hard times 7 years ago. Lots of details but the end result is we were homeless for 3 months and then both almost filed for divorce. The thing that kept us together was the commitment we made. Love was gone. My wife had what is termed an emotional affair. That is, she was getting her emotional needs met by an ex boyfriend from high school. Both over chat and at times in person. I don't believe there was an hanky panky. I looked at me during that time and realized even if we do split up I'm still going to carry my sh** into the next relationship. So I made a choice. I chose to do The Love Dare on my wife. It was truly miraculous the turn around we made in 6 months. In 2013, for our 20th, we renewed our vows to one another and both had the expectation that our past was behind us and the best years were ahead. But, that was a fantasy. This insidious disease is relentless.
My wife's priority structure is God, God, God, kids, family/friends, home based business, me. If she's not too tired, too worn out, too spent, overdid it the day before, etc. etc. I believe and have communicated (pleading at times) that her priorities should be me, kids, family/friends, business. God should a part of all these priorities and so He doesn't get a place per se, He should be in every priority. She would adjust and put me first for a week or so and then go right back to where she was. Things went along like this until last October when I quit yet another job. The supervisor I was under triggered me into a relapse. I have self destructive behaviors, stuffing, anger, anxiety, depression, insomnia, etc. My mental health was suffering and I had to leave b/c my company wouldn't transfer me. I need help. I want help. I reach out for help. I set up the marriage counseling sessions. I am reaching out for community resources to get help with my PTSD cycles. My wife does next to nothing. I feel as if she has and has had a plan B for the longest time. But then I argue with myself, if that were true why wouldn't she execute when we are high on the hog? Why does she now use threats of leaving me when I have nothing to offer if she leaves? I have nothing she can take, except the kids and they are all a few years from all being self sufficient anyway. I have done everything I can think to do and still it isn't enough. When do I get a voice? When do I get my partner back? I'm spiraling out of control and all she can do is threaten to leave? I find that rather being afraid she'll leave, some days I hope she just does. I hate that feeling. We are all one another have ever known and I am there for her plus some. I'm a good man, average looks, I could have someone else but I don't want anyone else. I chose her. I choose her. Since the last time it got bad I promised myself I wouldn't be the one to file. We are going to start counseling again. Next week. So we're both in agreement with that.
So what in the name of zueses butthole am I supposed to do?
All our marriage, except maybe 5 years in total, my wife has not worked outside the home. This was an area of pride for me initially that I could provide well enough for that to be her reality. I provide a very comfortable life, financially, for my family when I'm right. But after 22 years her actions and reactions and behaviors suggest that she is spoiled. She WILL NOT get a job. Even as we sit here on the brink of losing our home and in a pile of disconnect notices. I am looking for work and have been, but things are very sluggish right now in my field where we live and during this holiday time (2016 closing out and 2017 starting). As the realization that I've spoiled my wife, and my kids, sets in a sick? thought pattern starts to arise in me. Why should I be the one to always take extreme measures to save our marriage and our finances when she has no skin in the game? Full disclosure, she had a back injury and it was discovered she has fibro. BUT, she has energy to do what she wants to do when she wants to do it. And what she wants to do is home based businesses. She has, in some form or fashion, done these for some 10 years now. Never realizing more than about $500 in profit for her highest sales month. Average is closer to $150. I know, I do the taxes. I do the earning, I do the paying, I do the begging for money now that we are stone broke, I sacrificed my retirement (our retirement together) not once but 3 times in the last 10 years to pay bills and get us into our ever own home. I do the cooking most nights even after putting in 8-16 hour days (again when I'm right). Even if she does make dinner half the time she makes me feel bad about not doing it, or insisting that I do the parts she hates (cutting onions). I deal with all the finances and creditors. And the first thing to go on lock down when she is mad is that good lovin. I'm no saint. I have my issues as we all do. I can fly off the handle when I'm cycling at the drop of a hat. Most times I'm the calm voice of reason in my house. I don't get physical. She'll slam doors, beat on walls, throw stuff, hit herself in the head. I consider myself educated and try to logic my way through an argument. This infuriates her b/c I'm the better arguer. "You're right, you're ALWAYS right!" Her platform, I guess, is hyper spiritualism. We are the same religion but we are not on the same "level". We don't "Christian" the same and she constantly throws God in my face as the end all be all. Yet she is mean. She uses it as a weapon, cutting me down b/c I don't do ______ enough. Pray, read, go to church, etc. My stance is we are all on a different journey spiritually and my personal relationship with God is just that - PERSONAL. She believes if we aren't on the same level we have no foundation to continue our marriage. She is getting backing for these theories from her female friends, both of whom have had divorces. She comes back from meeting with them like "My eyes have been opened to your manipulations. I see the truth now. You are just manipulating me for compassion and that is emotional abuse." I'm all "Whatever you have to tell yourself, but that isn't the issue and it's bulls** that you are going so overboard with this." "Oh verbal abuse too, now huh?" How is it verbal abuse? Because I said bulls**. I use foul language when I'm at my whits end and the madness isn't realized or accepted. She has no accountability. She searches for blame in every situation and it's never hers. She sees foul language as verbal abuse. I would tend to agree if it's pervasive, but it isn't, or if I called her names, which I do rarely (ex. after she disrespects me in front of the kids). The vast majority of these encounters are in private, but when I cycle I spin out and typical verbal restraints aren't there.
We went through some very, very hard times 7 years ago. Lots of details but the end result is we were homeless for 3 months and then both almost filed for divorce. The thing that kept us together was the commitment we made. Love was gone. My wife had what is termed an emotional affair. That is, she was getting her emotional needs met by an ex boyfriend from high school. Both over chat and at times in person. I don't believe there was an hanky panky. I looked at me during that time and realized even if we do split up I'm still going to carry my sh** into the next relationship. So I made a choice. I chose to do The Love Dare on my wife. It was truly miraculous the turn around we made in 6 months. In 2013, for our 20th, we renewed our vows to one another and both had the expectation that our past was behind us and the best years were ahead. But, that was a fantasy. This insidious disease is relentless.
My wife's priority structure is God, God, God, kids, family/friends, home based business, me. If she's not too tired, too worn out, too spent, overdid it the day before, etc. etc. I believe and have communicated (pleading at times) that her priorities should be me, kids, family/friends, business. God should a part of all these priorities and so He doesn't get a place per se, He should be in every priority. She would adjust and put me first for a week or so and then go right back to where she was. Things went along like this until last October when I quit yet another job. The supervisor I was under triggered me into a relapse. I have self destructive behaviors, stuffing, anger, anxiety, depression, insomnia, etc. My mental health was suffering and I had to leave b/c my company wouldn't transfer me. I need help. I want help. I reach out for help. I set up the marriage counseling sessions. I am reaching out for community resources to get help with my PTSD cycles. My wife does next to nothing. I feel as if she has and has had a plan B for the longest time. But then I argue with myself, if that were true why wouldn't she execute when we are high on the hog? Why does she now use threats of leaving me when I have nothing to offer if she leaves? I have nothing she can take, except the kids and they are all a few years from all being self sufficient anyway. I have done everything I can think to do and still it isn't enough. When do I get a voice? When do I get my partner back? I'm spiraling out of control and all she can do is threaten to leave? I find that rather being afraid she'll leave, some days I hope she just does. I hate that feeling. We are all one another have ever known and I am there for her plus some. I'm a good man, average looks, I could have someone else but I don't want anyone else. I chose her. I choose her. Since the last time it got bad I promised myself I wouldn't be the one to file. We are going to start counseling again. Next week. So we're both in agreement with that.
So what in the name of zueses butthole am I supposed to do?
GrayOwl
Gold Member
A friend on the site here told me I ought to read your post; that you and I might have similar stories and that I might relate.
Was she ever spot on.
Bankruptcy, homeless(not without shelter)- it's 0 here tonight, wife living with daughter and earning zilch, losing house, and everything on earth..... I relate.
I think you have some very practical solutions to what you should do - you might not agree or like them - but I sense that fear and denial are clouding your judgement, your ability to move forward, and depressing your attitude.
And attitude, I may not be the best to advise on that right now. I'm pissed, pessimistic, and having a pity party for myself right at the moment so I'll refrain.
You said: "But, that was a fantasy."
Bingo. How many times do we have to circle around and get back to the same place and still refuse to admit that "Hey Ma! Nothin's workin here !! Duhhhh. I'll just keep doing the same thing and expect different results again.
In your posting, I'm seein a lot of "She this" and "She that" and things ain't changin. You don't have the power to change her and she doesn't have to. She can do her own life. And apparently she is. As are you.
Mine won't work and help support. So now she's living with our daughter and two grandkids 70 miles away. 6 years I've asked her to work and help pay down the debts we committed to. She did try for a while, only after I forced her into a job and became the "Big bastard" again. That didn't work and I'm done. Won't do it again - it's lose lose for me - like your wife coming home from a night with the divorced gf's.
The light in the tunnel is getting closer. It IS a train. It's about to hit. And she's perfectly content to sit there, warm with the grandkids, while I sleep in the back of my car in a Walmart at 0 degrees, 70 to 300 miles away trying to earn a living to keep a roof over our head and food..
Okay? Where's the light bulb? I can't do this anymore. I've said so 500 times this year. So I am making some changes. I can find daytime shelter - very comfy - and work overnight inside and earn some decent $$ and bennies - so I am doing so. I will not only survive, but I will effect the changes needed to save what I can - starting with my life and limbs, then my sanity, and whatever else, and I will start over.
My T, my sponsor, my other daughter and family - all are fully supporting me. so, with a very heavy heart, I am putting one foot in front of the other, and at age 60, after 40 years of often happy marriage, and a lot of unfulfilled hopes and dreams and trials, I am setting off in a new direction. Alone. I don't know if she'll get out of the way of the train, but I can't stay on that set of tracks and let her pull me down with her.
So what in the name of zueses other butthole am I supposed to do?
If it wasn't for my sense of humor I think my attitude might do me in. But damnit, there is a lot of good life out there. I'm working past the fear and denial. Anyone have any ideas about the attitude? My PMA is kind of at a low ebb right now too.
Mbrady, I wish you all the best in the world. Sounds like you have a fighting chance. Feel free to PM me or just post, I'd like to keep in touch.
Was she ever spot on.
Bankruptcy, homeless(not without shelter)- it's 0 here tonight, wife living with daughter and earning zilch, losing house, and everything on earth..... I relate.
I think you have some very practical solutions to what you should do - you might not agree or like them - but I sense that fear and denial are clouding your judgement, your ability to move forward, and depressing your attitude.
And attitude, I may not be the best to advise on that right now. I'm pissed, pessimistic, and having a pity party for myself right at the moment so I'll refrain.
You said: "But, that was a fantasy."
Bingo. How many times do we have to circle around and get back to the same place and still refuse to admit that "Hey Ma! Nothin's workin here !! Duhhhh. I'll just keep doing the same thing and expect different results again.
In your posting, I'm seein a lot of "She this" and "She that" and things ain't changin. You don't have the power to change her and she doesn't have to. She can do her own life. And apparently she is. As are you.
Mine won't work and help support. So now she's living with our daughter and two grandkids 70 miles away. 6 years I've asked her to work and help pay down the debts we committed to. She did try for a while, only after I forced her into a job and became the "Big bastard" again. That didn't work and I'm done. Won't do it again - it's lose lose for me - like your wife coming home from a night with the divorced gf's.
The light in the tunnel is getting closer. It IS a train. It's about to hit. And she's perfectly content to sit there, warm with the grandkids, while I sleep in the back of my car in a Walmart at 0 degrees, 70 to 300 miles away trying to earn a living to keep a roof over our head and food..
Okay? Where's the light bulb? I can't do this anymore. I've said so 500 times this year. So I am making some changes. I can find daytime shelter - very comfy - and work overnight inside and earn some decent $$ and bennies - so I am doing so. I will not only survive, but I will effect the changes needed to save what I can - starting with my life and limbs, then my sanity, and whatever else, and I will start over.
My T, my sponsor, my other daughter and family - all are fully supporting me. so, with a very heavy heart, I am putting one foot in front of the other, and at age 60, after 40 years of often happy marriage, and a lot of unfulfilled hopes and dreams and trials, I am setting off in a new direction. Alone. I don't know if she'll get out of the way of the train, but I can't stay on that set of tracks and let her pull me down with her.
So what in the name of zueses other butthole am I supposed to do?
If it wasn't for my sense of humor I think my attitude might do me in. But damnit, there is a lot of good life out there. I'm working past the fear and denial. Anyone have any ideas about the attitude? My PMA is kind of at a low ebb right now too.
Mbrady, I wish you all the best in the world. Sounds like you have a fighting chance. Feel free to PM me or just post, I'd like to keep in touch.
- Post starter
- #5
Thanks GrayOwl. I hope we can both get out of Zeus's butthole soon. Although it is warm in here, so there's that. My sense of humor gets me in trouble some times. But serious moments that I can't process I just default to humor.
I see what you're saying about the fear, but what do you mean about denial?
I see what you're saying about the fear, but what do you mean about denial?
GrayOwl
Gold Member
I have to head out for work, so I really can't devote adequate thought to that answer just yet. I'll think on how to explain that overnight and get back to you.
But one example.
I can't believe my wife won't summon the white steed and mount up and gallop to our rescue. I can't believe it's not going to happen. The story doesn't end this way. It can't. That's not the way I wrote the script. I'm denying that "it" can end this way.
It's one thing to fear it. It's another to deny what is so plainly happening in front of my eyes. I'm doin better with the fear. The denial is killing me. It means that maybe I have believed in something, or someone, that really never was.
I really don't like going down that dark space. Don't know as I need to.
Instead of facing the scary stuff - it's just easier for me to deny.
TTyl8tr. Hang in there.
But one example.
I can't believe my wife won't summon the white steed and mount up and gallop to our rescue. I can't believe it's not going to happen. The story doesn't end this way. It can't. That's not the way I wrote the script. I'm denying that "it" can end this way.
It's one thing to fear it. It's another to deny what is so plainly happening in front of my eyes. I'm doin better with the fear. The denial is killing me. It means that maybe I have believed in something, or someone, that really never was.
I really don't like going down that dark space. Don't know as I need to.
Instead of facing the scary stuff - it's just easier for me to deny.
TTyl8tr. Hang in there.
intothelight
Sponsor
@mbrady Sorry to read about the struggles you are having in your relationship. I hope you and your wife make the changes for yourselves that will help you both have a healthy relationship and find your own personal happiness.
GrayOwl
Gold Member
Any progress??
Just checking in.
Hope things are going in a positive direction for you.
Just checking in.
Hope things are going in a positive direction for you.
- Post starter
- #9
GrayOwl
Gold Member
That's always good.
There's really never any reason for animosity, no matter which way the relationship is going.
Having unrealistic expectations of our partner or ourselves just sets us up for disappointment and emotional distress. Sometimes those expectations are real, and even necessary to a relationship, but if the other partner is not capable of, or willing to, fulfill those expectations, then we are just setting ourselves up for those stresses - and we should be wise enough to anticipate and/or make the necessary changes as needed.
Much easier said, than done. And the learning curve on that one does seem to require considerable trial and error.
But, alas, that is life.
Most important, take care of yourself! Find positives, work at keeping that attitude up. Vitamin D, sunshine, activity, good comrades, you know the drill. Best wishes, and good luck with the counselling.
There's really never any reason for animosity, no matter which way the relationship is going.
Having unrealistic expectations of our partner or ourselves just sets us up for disappointment and emotional distress. Sometimes those expectations are real, and even necessary to a relationship, but if the other partner is not capable of, or willing to, fulfill those expectations, then we are just setting ourselves up for those stresses - and we should be wise enough to anticipate and/or make the necessary changes as needed.
Much easier said, than done. And the learning curve on that one does seem to require considerable trial and error.
But, alas, that is life.
Most important, take care of yourself! Find positives, work at keeping that attitude up. Vitamin D, sunshine, activity, good comrades, you know the drill. Best wishes, and good luck with the counselling.
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