I Need Some Help With This Friendship Stuff

[Philippa]

Just an update for anyone interested.

I'm not quite sure how to take this, but it's been about a week now since I sent her the letter, and I know she has been online on facebook many times since then, so I'd be surprised if she hasn't read it yet, but so far I've had no response from her.

I did say that if she felt pissed off to wait a day or two before replying, if she wanted, but it's been a week and still no reply. I'm not sure whether she is just ignoring me, or whether she just decided to let it go. I'm feeling a bit ignored, but I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not?

I know it's hard to interpret and I don't expect anyone here to know what her deal is. She hasn't de-friended me or anything, so I'm guessing she isn't that pissed, but I am kinda curious to hear what she has to say...and I suppose a part of me is feeling a little bit like I acknowledged how she was feeling when she brought it up, as distressed as I was, so why can't she acknowledge that she f*cked up?

 

[maddog]

Ug, putting your feelings out there into what feels like an empty void is never a comfortable or satisfying feeling is it. Sadly, I guess this was always a possibility, and as you say, you may never know the reason for the silence unless she chooses to share at some point, or it becomes self evident at some point when you do next communicate with her.

I know it feels rotten, but try to remember that the letter was for you, not her. You now have the benefit and empowerment of having been clear and open, and it's up to her if she wants to do herself, and you, that same courtesy in return.

Sometimes the universe sends us little signals that it's time to step away towards healthier friends, at least for a time...

Maddog

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Maddog, for reminding me. I did send the letter for me. If she is unable or unwilling to see where she acted inappropriately then I cannot force her to, nor can I force her to apologize. I can, however, simply find better people for me to be around, as you said.

I am starting to recognize a pattern in all this though, and I think it relates to my mother and feeling that she wasn't really there for me when I needed her to be either. This seems to manifest in my female relationships a fair bit.

I like to look at the core beliefs that influence things from in my unconscious, and in this case, it would look like this:

"I can't get my needs met" or possibly "No one is there for me" or even "I am there for others but they are not there for me...there is no reciprocity here". Hmmm, I will have to look at this a bit deeper I think. I believe our beliefs and thoughts do create our reality, so I would like ot be able to change this one to serve me a bit better in the future.

 

[Philippa]

Just an update, and I also posted it on another thread I started about me and sympathy.

So, she finally replied, after 5 weeks. I thought maybe she was taking time to let things settle and calm down if she felt pissed off, but apparently 5 weeks wasn't enough because I basically got blasted for being a terrible person who only thinks of my own feelings and never hers, and called a narcissist and mean and what a victim she is of my evil ways.... For what?... The crime of calling her on her behaviour and putting up healthy boundaries. SHE said ' good riddance' to me???

I replied in as calm a way as possible, even though I felt shaky and drained of energy in her attempt to make me feel guilty.

I addressed the things she said that were wrong about my intentions without attacking back but I called her on the manipulative behaviour that I witnessed and her attempt to guilt trip me.

I thanked her for the lesson she taught me and wished her all the best, then un friended and blocked her from my Facebook account.

Looks like you were right nomedic1... She really isn't a good friend at all.

 

[rainy_daze]

Yeah, her behaviour and reply sucks. Good for you sticking up for yourself. Proud of you Philippa, going through all that must not have been easy for you but you're the bigger person. You deserve a better type of friend.

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou rainy_daze. It was awful because of the way it made me feel to read her words of attack, when I had been so careful to word my letter in a way that was not attacking her personally but still expressing my feelings of being disrespected. I struggled not to get sucked into feeling bad, but even reading them made me feel bad, and lowered my armor. It felt draining, as though I'd had the strength sapped out of me, and I immediately went to a friend who has been there for me all through this hard time, who listened and reassured me that it was all her own projection, which I knew it was, but the effect of the words was corrosive in a way.

I feel much much better now though, and have taken measures to protect myself psychically from any more of her vitriol. I have seen you tube videos showing the behavior of people who suffer from Borderline Personality disorder and knew that they can really go overboard with the attacking but hadn't been on the receiving end of that until now. I did manage to gain some insight into it though.

I realized that we were both creating this issue. I was creating the scenario of a female friend trying to make me feel like my feelings were unimportant...just as my mother has always caused me to feel, and she was creating the proof in her mind that I, like everyone else, don't care about her. By convincing herself that no one cares, she can easily push them away, and I keep manifesting women who seem to be good friends, and then turn into my mother.

It's interesting, and I will be approaching the subject with my therapist at our next session because I want to get to the bottom of knowing what belief is in me that keeps attracting these kinds of women and this kind of behavior, so I can look at changing it.