General I Need Some Help

[Ubu]

I need some help from those of you that are suffers and or caregivers.
My wife vcc123 and i have been here for a few months. We dont get on as often. We have been going to therapy. She has decided that she needs to move to get a fresh surrounding to clear her head. The PTSD from an officer involved shooting she dispatched on has thrown her for a loop.
The PTSD has brought old issues about her mothers death 15+ years ago. Her mothers and fathers divorce. Issues with an old boyfriend from 20 years ago that she has reconnected with.
The boyfriend thing of course is what i get hung up on, espeacially with her wanting to move. I have told her I love her and I will support her in anyway I can as she works through the PTSD.
I think im to worried about the boyfriend to much....I should be concentrating on supporting her. She says the boyfriend isnt a big issue, she says she love me.

Have any of your spouses had to leave. To find where there head is at. I feel so bad for her. I wish I could fix it. Im affraid i might loose her. Which is scary. But in the long run its more important that she finds what she is looking for and is happy.

 

[anthony]

Are you saying... she wants to move out from you, being to live by herself for a while; or are you saying she wants you both to move from the town your in to a new town?

 

[wildcritter44]

Ubu,
I understand Vcc123 has PTSD, as her other half, it is difficult to stand by while they suffer. If she says the old boyfriend isn't a problem, I guess only you know if you can trust her. I was a dispatcher, losing a "family" member is extremely difficult at best. Moving may or may not help, as if she is running from the PTSD, of course, it goes where she does. If it is the area and the reminders there, then maybe a move would help. If she is having therapy, what does the DR suggest? Keep in mind that "communication" is a big deal for couples.....
good luck to both of you.........I wish you both the very best!

D

 

[Ubu]

Anthony and Wildcritter
She would like both of us to move adventually, right now she want to move away from the area and from me. She says she needs space to find out who she is now.
She says she loves me, although i think there is still part of her that wonders about this boyfriend. She new him 20 years ago when she was 18. life was simple, she was a person full of hope and creativity.
As a dispatcher you deal with alot of emotional stuff and your told to keep going do your job. She has basically stuffed alot of shit over the years. Not only dispatch stuff, but parent stuff, mom dying, parents divorce. Bad relationships.
Im a cop i can understand about stuffing shit you deal with everyday..isnt good but it happens.

She says she loves me, she says im the best man she has ever known.. a good husband and father. She says her head is screwed up right now and she needs to get away and work on herself. I can respect that...but because of the old boyfriend thing it is scary. Even without the boyfriend thing it is scary, just more so with it.

 

[Ubu]

Oh and communication is good between us. I just hate this daily pit im my stomach. I guess ill have to learn to embrace it. I feel like i could help her more if she was to stay. But i need to support her regardless.

 

[Ubu]

I pray to God quite often. I thought I recieved an answer. I was concerned it was just me and my wants and not truly Gods answer. But I kept getting the same answer. But things are not looking that way.

 

[Ubu]

I pray to God quite often. I thought I recieved an answer. I was concerned it was just me and my wants and not truly Gods answer. But I kept getting the same answer. But things are not looking that way.
I guess i should just continue to have faith and hope.

I found a poem long ago when i went through my divorce and my church and family basically abandon me. And at times it still holds true. Its kind of depressing but it seems to me the cold hard facts.

Sorry keep hitting the tab button and it posts when im not done.

We are born alone, We live alone, and we die alone. It is only through the love of our friends and family that for the moment we create the illusion that we are not alone. Orson Wells......hmmmmmm how true.

 

[waynes]

Ubu,
Man, you need to make sure that you take care of yourself. I know you love Vic, and would do anything to help her, but this is something you can't fix... I know this from experience. Boy have I tried to no avail. If you are going to be able to stay in this struggle, you need to be well, yourself. Take some time. Think about what you want. Make sure if she stays it is because she wants to, not because you want her to.
I hope this comes out as it is meant, because so much of what we say in print can be mis interpreted, let alone what we say out loud. You sir, are in my prayers.

Wayne

 

[Ubu]

Thank you Waynes. Ive been so blessed to have her in my life. Im afraid of loosing her. I try to put aside the non productive feeling and try to be positive for her. I guess in the long run all i can do is support her and keep those negitive feelings in check.
My hope is wanning, but as she says this is for a short time to give her space to clear her head and then shell be back. God this hurts like hell.

 

[Ubu]

Have any of your spouses had to leave. To find where there head is at.

 

[vcc123]

from vcc

I dont know if this helps or not.. but trying to explain.. its hard, especially when I dont know what my brain thinks or feels most the time.

I felt like I HAD to leave Utah.. so many reminders, street names.. seeing officers daily that I knew, my former coworkers, Ubu coming home talking about the goings on of a family I was no longer a part of. It was very painful for me.

I know my decision to come to Arizona has been hard and unfair to my family, but I really felt at my wits end.. I had to get away from it.

I have a bit of peace here, but like we all know, PTSD goes where we go.. and it has. I'm disassociating, feeling confused, feeling lonely, feeling pressure to make money, feeling MAJOR guilt about Ubu and the kids.

My head is still in a swirl, I want it to slow down so I can think straight. Ubu wants answers that I dont have. I need someone to talk to but find that most of the time I just keep it to myself.

I DO love Ubu.. how do I love him? I dont know.. but I do. Its different than it used to be.. is it me, or PTSD? I'm so tired of trying to always distinguish my ACTUAL feelings, and when PTSD is talking. I just want it to go away.. I'm in denial to a degree, trying not to... but I dont want to use PTSD as a crutch.

I want to simply find myself again.. I want to be the strong, independent, decisive, intelligent, fearless person I used to be. Thats why I'm here. I guess I'm trying to force that part of me to migrate with the other weak part of me. I dont know. :wall:

 

[Ubu]

Give it time honey, I love you and support you sometimes better than others. You are strong and a great person. You are a fair and caring person. You need to be fair to yourself and care for yourself.. I guess im the pot calling the kettle black. But you need to ease up on yourself and you will start counselling soon. I apologize for my weaknesses thru all of this that cause you stress. I DO love you and do my best to support you.