NovemberStar
Platinum Member
This morning I struggled to wake up. It was not physical - but very strongly mental. I woke dissociated and pretty strongly, worse than I can recall. It's happened lately that I get so dissociated my body shuts down. I struggle to stay awake - I haven't ever woken up and right into this state so it's been a very hard day.
I know it was triggered by our session yesterday. I have things I need to tell her about our session - namely I feel hurt (??) and very vulnerable about something she said. I know this has triggered the intense dissociation feelings and flashbacks I'm having today. Problem is, I don't see her for a couple of weeks due to Easter holidays.
And knowing I NEED to talk to her, or let her know what has triggered this, is making my dissociation / symptoms worse. If I avoid facing it, I won't get better - but talking to her (even via email) about it, will be so incredibly hard, and I honestly don't know if I can - I suspect being back in the room with her, I might dissociate completely, or 'sleep' and not be able to even talk, let alone talk about this hard issue ;(.
Writing this post, even though she will not read it, is very hard - I am feeling so vulnerable, and its very difficult to even acknowledge to myself, what is happening and why. But I am forcing myself to post it, to develop a tolerance to thinking about it so I CAN face it with my T.
But I have to find a way to do it.
What happened is that I'd sent her a long email earlier in the week updating her about important things such as how I'm currently experiencing dissociation, and how I had had a new memory and flashback. I also sent her poem I'd written right after one of our sessions last year, in which it felt like the young me came out of the bedroom cupboard and danced - she felt it was finally safe to come out (cos my T was there for her). It's taken me months to be able to share this with her - I felt too ashamed and vulnerable.
My poem was very symbolic of my developing trust for her. Acknowledging how I felt was so hard, and it has taken me 6 months to give her a copy of the poem. A HUGE risk for me emotionally.
In my email at the bottom, I explained the importance of the email. How I had written it straight after a session with her, and that I wasn't able to talk to her about the poem as I felt too ashamed, vulnerable, and it would be 'too intense' to acknowledge it. But I just wanted to know she had read it.
In our session, she bought up the poem, She said I express myself very well. I felt so vulnerable, it was incredibly difficult to hear her mention the poem at all - it felt too close, too intense, emotionally (that is how extremely sensitive to any form of connection between us). Then she asked me when I wrote it. I was struggling not to put my hands over my ears and hide. I struggled but did say 'I thought I'd written that in the email..?'. She did acknowledge I might have, and that she might not have taken all of the email 'in'. I did appreciate her honesty - I really did.
But since then, I am feeling very … not good anyway. It was really important to me that she understood the poem content - it wasn't just about 'trust' it was SPECIFICALLY about trusting HER. I feel that without her understanding the poem in that context, she totally misses the point of it. It becomes a poem; rather than a poem about trusting HER (which I know, or at least I hope she would, really understand trust is NOT something I do for just anyone). It really is a big deal.
I really wanted her to understand, and to know how I feel. It was a huge risk emotionally, and I feel it landed flat. I know logically she did not purposefully hurt me; it WAS a long email, and it seems the bit about the poem she didn't read or take in.
It has helped typing this out. I feel I MIGHT be able to email her about it. But I'm not sure what to do - I really want to talk to her in person, but don't see her for 2-3 weeks now. If I email, I will probably be able to express my feelings more openly (due to that she won't be sitting in front of me); but it also raises the possibility of further miscommunication and I am feeling it is TOO important to risk further hurt about it.
Yet, I don't know if not saying how I feel; if I can manage to 'hold it in' for 2-3 weeks ;(
I know it was triggered by our session yesterday. I have things I need to tell her about our session - namely I feel hurt (??) and very vulnerable about something she said. I know this has triggered the intense dissociation feelings and flashbacks I'm having today. Problem is, I don't see her for a couple of weeks due to Easter holidays.
And knowing I NEED to talk to her, or let her know what has triggered this, is making my dissociation / symptoms worse. If I avoid facing it, I won't get better - but talking to her (even via email) about it, will be so incredibly hard, and I honestly don't know if I can - I suspect being back in the room with her, I might dissociate completely, or 'sleep' and not be able to even talk, let alone talk about this hard issue ;(.
Writing this post, even though she will not read it, is very hard - I am feeling so vulnerable, and its very difficult to even acknowledge to myself, what is happening and why. But I am forcing myself to post it, to develop a tolerance to thinking about it so I CAN face it with my T.
But I have to find a way to do it.
What happened is that I'd sent her a long email earlier in the week updating her about important things such as how I'm currently experiencing dissociation, and how I had had a new memory and flashback. I also sent her poem I'd written right after one of our sessions last year, in which it felt like the young me came out of the bedroom cupboard and danced - she felt it was finally safe to come out (cos my T was there for her). It's taken me months to be able to share this with her - I felt too ashamed and vulnerable.
My poem was very symbolic of my developing trust for her. Acknowledging how I felt was so hard, and it has taken me 6 months to give her a copy of the poem. A HUGE risk for me emotionally.
In my email at the bottom, I explained the importance of the email. How I had written it straight after a session with her, and that I wasn't able to talk to her about the poem as I felt too ashamed, vulnerable, and it would be 'too intense' to acknowledge it. But I just wanted to know she had read it.
In our session, she bought up the poem, She said I express myself very well. I felt so vulnerable, it was incredibly difficult to hear her mention the poem at all - it felt too close, too intense, emotionally (that is how extremely sensitive to any form of connection between us). Then she asked me when I wrote it. I was struggling not to put my hands over my ears and hide. I struggled but did say 'I thought I'd written that in the email..?'. She did acknowledge I might have, and that she might not have taken all of the email 'in'. I did appreciate her honesty - I really did.
But since then, I am feeling very … not good anyway. It was really important to me that she understood the poem content - it wasn't just about 'trust' it was SPECIFICALLY about trusting HER. I feel that without her understanding the poem in that context, she totally misses the point of it. It becomes a poem; rather than a poem about trusting HER (which I know, or at least I hope she would, really understand trust is NOT something I do for just anyone). It really is a big deal.
I really wanted her to understand, and to know how I feel. It was a huge risk emotionally, and I feel it landed flat. I know logically she did not purposefully hurt me; it WAS a long email, and it seems the bit about the poem she didn't read or take in.
It has helped typing this out. I feel I MIGHT be able to email her about it. But I'm not sure what to do - I really want to talk to her in person, but don't see her for 2-3 weeks now. If I email, I will probably be able to express my feelings more openly (due to that she won't be sitting in front of me); but it also raises the possibility of further miscommunication and I am feeling it is TOO important to risk further hurt about it.
Yet, I don't know if not saying how I feel; if I can manage to 'hold it in' for 2-3 weeks ;(
