I Realize That I

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Had a wierd day, called beautiful a lot (behind a mask); asked if I was offended to be called Smiley by someone for ages (because 'even though I'm wearing a mask I look happy'), to which I said honestly I was called Sunny for years, but am really not that way at all, and we both laughed. Then a person passed me outside at 11 p.m. and said what a beautiful night it was. And I realize we see as we feel, a lot of the time, or how we see is a reflection of what is within us, influenced by what is around us, like a beautiful day. (I think).
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I realize that I don't know what to believe of people, do I believe what they said tuesday, if it's different than wednesday? Last monday? Do I believe them drunk? Sober? Is sober more true, or is drunk more accurate? Is silence ostracism, to show I don't belong, or don't exist? Punishment? Hatred? Does no 'I love you' on a deathbed mean that? What is to be believed? No wonder there feels like no truth. It seems to me, the only truth becomes what conclusion I end up drawing in the end, and that might as well be a crapshoot.

ETA, as dumb as it is to write it out, I am glad, I know what to think. Emergency preparedness says hope for the best, prepare for the worst, and God knows I've had to do that enough. So assume the worst. And if there is a rare instance that's partially untrue, it's not my fault if their messages were contradictory enough to create that doubt. That is on them. That cures my cognitive dissonance, and is good enough for me, no more needs to be wondered or said. Dumb post or not, for that I am thankful. 😶
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking that, I don't like my own negativity. And that, although true, most of it is just hurt, and most of all I realize I must have felt I would actually receive or be 'entitled to' (wrong word), support or care, to feel hurt. I guess I've done a lot of supporting, and felt hurt to not receieve the same. Most of all, I just feel worthless, I guess, but wondering why I expected otherwise? My FOO I am no longer surprised with, but even one of my top 2 best friends didn't even have anything to say, of which all I asked for was honesty. I would have trusted them with my life, more than my family. I realize that I was/ am actually too heavy a burden. I realize I wish I hadn't been 'myself', or let anyone get to know me. And that's not depression talking, just factuality. I guess I realize I can deal with my own feelings of worthlessness more effectively, when nothing puts them to the test. I realize that I never gave to get, anyway, so it took me off guard I would feel 'worthy' of actually feeling I was of more worth, maybe any, considering my history. I realize that's likely begun in childhood, but considering my track record I guess it is too late.

I realize I am thankful to not have to censor here, even if the topic(s) are just my stupid musings.

Thanks to all, all these times.
 
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Lionheart

MyPTSD Pro
I realize that my life has been full of challenges and that I have spent most of my life struggling. I am getting old and I am tired of struggling and lately, the struggle is pain, fatigue, and physical weakness. I realize I need help. I am back on Neurontin/ gabapentin at 300 mg doses 3 x a day, but it is not even touching the pain. I take CBD oil and it helps me sleep, but I am unable to get restorative sleep most of the time so I stay fatigued. The pain causes me to have difficulty with simple exercise and I realize that I am gonna have to start physical therapy. I don't like the limitations that I have, such as having trouble dressing after a shower. And sometimes it is all I can do to stand in place without leaning on a table or counter. I realize that I may need surgery for spinal stenosis after all. I also realize that this is part of growing old and having chronic illnesses. I am gonna have to learn to accept help from others and I don't like that much.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
@Rosebud since I have lost my son here is the main change in me. I no longer allow people in my life who don't value me as a person and who doesn't value my journey.

It doesn't matter who it is and what the relationship is or was. I don't allow anyone to make this journey any harder than it already is.

I don't rehash a lifetime of crap to make that choice either! If they treat me shitty then that's it. No looking back.

I have enough pain to deal with and I don't need the noise and stress of them doing what they do.

Chose YOU!!
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @ladee , I know. And I very much appreciate your words. I think I could have grown a lot with different surroundings. I just can't seem to find a way to choose for me, at least one that's a conscionable choice I could live with.

I think that even if the facts are true, even the anger is pointless. In so far as, they have never been obligated to care, even as FOO, so I can't disagree or get angry at that. Being angry at it changes nothing, except for feeling it exposes their faults, and I have my own, and it's simply pointless (though not painless). It just isn't something I want to pursue. Even if/ when I don't forgive. Maybe my blood pressure is too low? Lol 😄😐

It was weird because today and yesterday, people were all just telling me how happy I look, how sweet I am, what a blessing I am, etc. But, you know some people you can legitimately feel kind with, or be yourself. It's actually nice when it's safe to do so.
 
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TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
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Great, great thread, Blackbird! :)


I realize that I now have self-worth and that I have something to lose if I enter into a relationship with someone who is unstable as I am not too stable yet myself.
You took the words out of my mouth. For me, there is a fear of going backwards so I am more conscientious of insuring I keep boundaries and step back from less than desirable incidents involving unhealthy behaviors in people I've known a while......and instead of engaging with them in a less than healthy way.....I step back, give space, and see if the other person makes amends. I figure if they don't ernestly try-they don't care, aren't ready, or worse....they don't think they should make amends; and if I had nothing to do in starting a problem-but they clearly created it, then it's on them to make amends. If they don't, my outlook on letting people go....is much better than it used to be.....with so much loss of dysfuncitonal family members-and my feeling better about it over time....totally less stress and more balanced emotions, I no longer need to hang on to them.....a real unhealthy neediness. So I've more recently begun to think that it's okay to let others go.....for my health and well-being. I want to spend my time with healthy, generally happy people, who smile and like to have some clean fun-and in doing so, I'm generally happy. This is perspective I've been working towards......and I think I'm just about there.
 
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