I Realize That I


i realize that i am stronger than i usually give my self credit for. the fact that i can function within society in any meaning full way is proof of this. people say to me things of this nature some times and it does not really compute with me.

but on some logical level it must be true. because what happened to me was true. and what happens to other people of the same nature of things is also true. therefore i must be distinct in some way.

it feels very negative and narcissistic and ego to admit that. i don't like it. i feel ungrateful and bad. but maybe that is not true. i realize that i do not always have the accurate self assessment of my self.


I do realize, listening to rage when going to bed, rage upon awakening (or maybe not on any given day), is no way to live, and there's no way out. But that, relatives, counselor/ friend that didn't even care to return call or acknowledge, all the while talk of dignity, is such b.s. Going to erase any and every vestige of any and all of them I can. Full Stop.

Tornadic Thoughts

I realize that I should never again try to hurriedly grab something that's fallen beside me, on the wood floor, while I'm in a big chair with wheels. Grateful that the most padded part of me landed on the hardest part of the chair. I bet that's gonna leave a mark! 😳


I realize that I have changed in some fundamental ways since my family passed away. I realize things are never gonna be quite the same but it doesn't mean I should roll myself up in a fetal position and let it drag me down. Am I heartbroken? Absolutely, but that is no excuse to just pull my feet up and stop living. Is it difficult? Yes, it is at times, but there are also some very funny, and happy memories that I will always cherish, so I need to find ways of honoring my family and the best way I can do that is to continue living to the best of my ability. I realize I am much, much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for.