I Realize That I

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I realize that nearly without exception, it has never occurred to me that others should have asked for 'my' forgiveness, only everyone I have asked forgiveness of. Wasn't even a concept to me. On rare occasions I have hoped for an apology (hoping that will guarantee some reduction of harm in the future), or over minor events I would have hoped, like once when a relative threw out what a dead relative had just given me, their last words in writing to me. I only thought of where 'I' needed to ask for forgiveness- which is good, since no one else can make up for what I am culpable for. But, whether it be physical assault, mental, sexual; lies, being two-faced, whatever- never. Even those who I would not see, but guilty of murder, robbery, never occurred to me their part. Explains why I legitimately rarely felt anger, only pain, and fear. I sure stuck with a lot of as*holes. I still don't want or need them to acknowledge it, but I will never invest one more thought, word, or prayer for them or any more self-recrimination about it.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was bothered by a picture I didn't expect, thought of an ex-friend saying once after an argument, 'Don't worry, I didn't block you', my eyes must have been big as saucers, because all I could think was, 'Was the other way around', and I realized he really didn't get it, while he skirted off with peoples' gifts and pretended not to. Wow, that I will never fit in to. When I think of all I disclosed, what I said in confidence, I wish I could kill myself. Just. Wow. Wish I could wipe out the last 30 years. Doesn't help to be authentic when you're the fool in the room. Just. Gross. Talk about Shame. So much for self-worth. G.R.O.S.S. Should have kept my dumb mouth shut.

I have anger- at myself. 😱😢🤬
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Then again, anger takes energy I don't have. Maybe just simply say, I am too broken for normal stuff, normal people. And the past is gone so might as well forget it.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think I see that I believe caring about feelings, or others caring about mine, (or not) , is what I equate caring about someone or from someone to (or not). It is my involuntary, reflexive litmus test that determines most of my decisions. I suppose from feeling like a burden.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I wish I hadn't said so many words. Like shouting for help alone in a canyon, just an embarrassing echo of nothingness. I learned long ago the futility and ego of trusting in care. So, not surprised, just feel stupid. How could I make that mistake when experienced from a child? :( I think that's why stupid and unsafe go together, being stupid can harm yourself or others.

How do you shake feeling stupid? Or is it smart not to? I imagine just get going on everything else, and start new? 😕

Oh well. Get on with it, I say to myself. Waste more words there, I suppose. Nothing to understand, nothing to remember.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Last I will say, but my goodness I think I finally get it: I asked questions if something was intentional or forgotten, and secondly if +/or where it was passed was (un)intentional, as it's occurred several times. No simple, honest reply. Combined with other facts past, have drawn my conclusion. All I needed was honesty, but there was- nothing. Would have been easy to solve in 2 minutes. Oh well. Least I get it, and there's nothing else to tease apart. Even 'go' is an easy answer. But then again, I guess honesty isn't always.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I think I realize that because of the knowledge that 'hurt people hurt people', because it can apply on both the receiving or causing end, I regret everything I say. Though I might be entitled to an opinion, as is everyone, that is worth nothing. So though once voiceless, I see no other choice to continue to be voiceless anyway. Even if I feel something different. Yet, what does it help if it causes others hurt? Or maybe does? Seems no-win, to me.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
That is good @WonderWriter . 🤗

I realize I thought it was ok to have support when I wasn't kin, and not related by ties of blood or affection, and that was wrong of me.

I realize I'm totally alone, except to go out I do not receive a call How are you?; Merry Christmas; Happy Birthday, or if sick, whatever. Even people I've known 10-20-30 years mispronounce my name,. Supposedly something that defines who a person even is (I remember the hospital saying with surgery we need to get it right because if we need to resuscitate you you won't respond to another name). Short of not showing for work or another responsibility or the Repo man for an unpaid bill, I'd be one of those people they'd find when the stink got too much, lol.

However, there is an upside, flipping this: apart from my responsibilities to work, physically/ division of labour, or financially, what I do when I am alone no one needs to know or dictate: I have to answer to no one, plan for no one else, nor account for myself or whereabouts or choices. It is great freedom, really. And, it wasn't until 2006 or 2008 I became such a 'Chatty Cathy', so I know how to keep it to myself and have lived much longer doing that.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
My pup got me up but now I can't sleep.

I woke up thinking, I realize I've always taken on what others have done as my fault or blame, whereas the truth is, they have the right to dislike me as much as they want. But, I have tried to be honest, kind, caring, legit, transparent, supportive, understanding, and give the benefit of the doubt as long as I can. I have not always been, and have failed miserably by my own standards sometimes, and am definitely not always a picnic. But I also have tried to apologize, and be accountable, and neither am I running around angry or hating or demanding or expecting all the time, either. But why would I possibly want non honesty, unkindness, avoidance, unwelcomeness or dislike of me in my life? Why would I even possibly think I should feel obligated to pray for them, or weave any thoughts whatsoever of them or their concerns to my own life, or concern myself with their forgiveness any longer, considering that? I have taken on the burden of onus that it is my fault, and apologize sincerely when I know so, what does it accomplish to do more? It makes no sense to do that, I've done what I can, and been who I am, and tried to be as kind and understanding and own my own sh*t as much as I can/ could. If it's not good enough for them, and they don't care, why should I? 'Normal' people wouldn't, and that's just reasonable. I don't want to be around or thinking of people who don't want me to be around, either. That's reasonable too. Otherwise, it's like chasing after the love or acceptance of family that was never forthcoming; it could be argued that deserves more effort, even, as family. But I know even that is/was a useless waste of caring, time, & effort and a painful, pointless soul-and-self-esteem-destroying endeavour. And even when not seeking love or acceptance it's a one-way connection which is as good as none. It is not my responsibility any longer to care for or about their needs, just as they're clear they don't care. about me or mine. i don't mean that angrily, just factually.
 
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