I Realize That I

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Pisssed off that birthday 'gift' end up watered down, 9/10 drunk bottle of wine, filled with tap water and broken seal, supposedly I wouldn't notice? Visions of parents/ grade 7/8. Just enough to be angry, not sh*t-faced.

Thinking of the "3 C''s" of AlAnon, and everything is about 'them'. Following harrowing night. And how it leads to living in constant perpetual crisis. Which is familiar, but not healthy. Where their blood pressure rises, mine drops, both dangerously so. Broken hearts all around.

Had 2, or 2.5, kind people in my life. Didn't try to destroy me or my self-worth. Quite the difference.

No place for me, even borne out in how things are organized/ designed. Now or the future. Tired of the effort, thankful I can say so honestly.

Perhaps am all/ negative I'm told I am, or worth-less I'm shown I am?

I never chose this life, or chose to be where I am. Does it matter? Probably to no one but me. I suppose it doesn't matter at all.

Thankful here can be honest. Relief.

Unrelated, I despise contemporary dance, love every other kind. (My apologies to contemporary dancers). Barefoot should be in living room or on the beach. Interpretative dance turns me so off.. Remind me of 2 people who followed after I said I danced, -perhaps coincidence? Not the same though- yuck. Just speaking for me. Don't understand why people copy. And if facsimile is enough for others, please have it.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I always thought I was given too many chances, and I realize I have given too many to others as well. It just solidified uncaring and disrespect as the norm. And reinforced being worth nothing.
 

mumstheword

MyPTSD Pro
Aren't as recovered as I thought I was. I have been doing pretty well, lately, until I heard my ex potentially being released from prison next week. Wooh ...didn't that nearly tip my ship? Day three of flashback debilitation frustration.
My enmeshment with my adult children needs renewed distancing measures.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I realize I was 4 when I watched this live, and my cute mom made scrapbooks of it with me, and I set up my 1st casino earlier than that lol. No one wanted me to become a jockey, as I had 'brains' which I wasted anyway, lol. Wish I could have tried for what I loved. Mind you, I handicapped, but smart people would have invested in stocks instead. Anyway, old but for anyway who loves racing great horse, great jockey, and never a whip, so cool 😊

 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I realize I suppose I'm too tired to care where I fail, where I'm hated, what I can't accomplish, where I don't belong, what resources don't exist, or putting any thought in to any of it. Just going to dot my i's and cross my t's.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Have distorted views on relationships with other people: Yet very hard to give it up. I’m seeing all the evidence, and I’m not willing too see things that indicate otherwise: A mixture of wanting a healthy critical stance, never ever wanting to feel that old pain again, but also willing to differentiate between today/yesterday and other people.. it’s tough for me. I’m finding this excruciatingly painful..

When our fear system becomes sensitised in response to trauma, our experiences are distorted by a mesh of hyper-vigilance and distrust. Thus we scan our external world for the dangers that we perceive to be surrounding us [Chisholm, Hrdy, Nesse1]; we scan our relational world for the abandonment or attacks that we perceive to be inevitable [Hrdy, Nesse, Nijenhuis, Schore, Siegel, Woodman]; and we scan our inner world for the essential wrongness that we perceive to be part of our makeup/

-Daniela Sieff Book-understanding and healing emotional trauma
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
i realize i must have been so naive: I try hard to care for others' families they don't want, others' spouses they don't want; have family who doesn't want me around; friends who admit they were insincere; relationships that were replaced in a heartbeat. Even God, I always approached from a position of poverty and my own need, never abundance. I think only animals and small children care. I should never have prioritized people or relationships. Maybe it was just because i was deficient (probably), and does not apply for others, but nonetheless was a silly mindset for me. Should have just focused on finding a good climate to live in, etc, better geoggraphy.
 
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Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I realize at this moment of stopping I felt cut adrift when someone I thought was a rock didn't consider what I needed that I thought was fundamental to cope.

I realize it doesn't actually bother me at all to feel worthless, I just am bothered I hoped I would be able to get back on track, make some progress. Another dead end. Feels like a futile struggle. I feel like a fool, in general and to have hoped.

I realize that doesn't give me a right to be angry, b*tchy, critical or blaming.

I realize I am accepting of what circumstances are reality. I will choose to ignore how I feel. Which tbh includes doomed.

I realize it uses up a lot of air and energy. And I don't have the heart bandwidth for any of it.

I realize what I feel will be buried and I will interact as always with everyone else, no matter how I feel.

I realize I should have kept all of it to myself. How silly - stupid! Too late but not for the future, meaning from this moment on. i kept a lot to myself all my life, i know how to do it pretty well. Not upset about it, kind of just wish I had, and indifferent.

I realize the pandemic added to the perfect storm. On the upside, hard as it is too to breathe, these masks just leave one's skin soft and flawless. Helps as a barrier when there isn't enough defense.
 
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